When my first child, Tom, was a baby I made sure the two of us got out of the house and went for a walk every day we could. Unless it was raining, snowing, or 10 below, I bundled him up and either put him in a front pack, or his carriage and we would walk the streets of our Queens neighborhood. Often we would stop to get a coffee, (for me, not him) or stop in the market, the park, or library.
Many times as we were walking, a car would pull up, the window would roll down, and the driver, most often a woman with older children, would tell me something I was doing wrong with my son. People told me it was too hot to be walking with him in a front pack or too cold. I often was scolded for letting him wear no socks, or no hat. Once when he was about four months old, I put him in a baby swing, (carefully holding him the whole time). A dad who was walking by with his kids stopped to tell me that he thought my son was too young to do this.
We also had our share of people just curious about my infant carrier or make a comment that they had never seen one before. We got our share of smiles and good wishes too. Mind you these were complete strangers.
I sort of got used to it and would smile and thank them for their concern. At 33 I felt fairly confident that I was able to care for my child. Even if I was having a moment of doubt, I would be dammed if I let them know it. I would just come home and cry to one of my friends or my mom.
As Tom got older, and we added two more children to the mix, the questions and comments continued. That may be why when I started to go on social media five years ago, I wasn’t entirely shocked that people had no problem sharing their opinions online. I figured if people I didn’t even know had no issue telling me to my very pregnant face and belly that I shouldn’t be having a third child since I already had a boy and a girl, someone who could hide behind a computer would surely have no qualms about letting their feelings be known on Facebook or Twitter whether or not I’m a good mom because I give my kids fast food or not.
I was very glad that I waited until I was at a point in life where other people’s opinions about me and my choices did not hold much weight before I started to share my writing online. It took me until I was in my mid 40s before I felt brave enough to put myself and my opinions out there for all to see and judge.
I was shocked when people I didn’t even know started to read my essays and posts. It never fails to thrill me when a person reaches out to me via email or Facebook to let me know that something I wrote touched or helped them. Occasionally someone will object to something I write. That’s especially true if my writing appears on a bigger site and they share it on social media. For me that is the price of opening myself up. It’s a price, that at least for now I can pay.
I love being a blogger, and I love that I have met other women and men who also love to write and share their writing online. The term “mommy blogger” has never once caused me an ounce of shame. It reminds me of the self assurance I felt when I decided to be a stay-at-home-mom, breastfeed my first two kids, or feed my third baby with a bottle and formula.
Every other day there seems to be someone who makes a splash telling women in a magazine, website, or TV show that a particular choice we are making for our families, careers, or bodies is wrong.
My 50 years on this planet have taught me that I can take what I like out of anything I read, watch, or am told to my face, and leave the rest. The self confidence that allowed me to be comfortable with having a voice and sharing it, is the same confidence that allows me to decide what I want to take into my soul and what to let slide to the curb.
I couldn’t love this more if I tried and also couldn’t agree more as I love that blogging has helped me, as well find my voice to share so much of myself online to help others for the most part, too. Oh and for those that don’t agree have gained a bit thicker skin from dealing with them here also.
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Thanks friend! xo It’s true, it does help you get a thicker skin too! xoxo
Hi Kathy – I can not believe that somebody told you that you shouldn’t be having a 3rd child! I was once told I was selfish for only having one. She knew nothing about my very difficult pregnancy, or that I also had a teenage step-daughter…..people are so unbelievable. Anyway,,,so glad you became a mommy blogger. I never miss reading your essays. You are the best! Hugs!
Lisa, it wasn’t just one person either!! People felt that since i ad a boy and a girl I should just stop!! Lol! It might have shocked me if I hadn’t seen my friend go through the same thing 2 years before me! People do love telling us what we are doing wrong, don’t they?!! Thank you so much for your constant support!!!! Lots of love my friend! xo
Yay! So true. One size doesn’t fit all. The sooner we all realize that, the wiser we will all be.
When shopping in the grocery store with my four kids strapped to my body or crammed in my carriage, I have literally been asked “Have you figured out how this happens so you can stop?!” and “Are you done already?” to which I laugh maniacally and yell, “I’M A HUMAN CLOWN CAR! THERE COULD BE MORE IN THERE. WHO KNOWS?!” Okay, mostly I just think those words and accept that it’s my lot for having four kids in three years. That and being a mom blogger, whatever that means.
And if this is what it means to be wrong, I don’t mean to be right.
(And as a P.S., I do find that most people have really great things to say, about my four chubby monkeys as well as my momtastic mom-flavored mom-writing. It’s just the bombastic wankers who say nasty things that stand out. Which is sad. So let me throw my positive words on the pile: You go, Mama!)
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People really do love to weigh in. Having a sense of humor helps!!!!! And you are right, I do get a lot of nice comments too! Thanks so much! xo
Spot on, Kathy. Unfortunately this is one of those things you can’t teach your kids. We try to warn them of the permanence of social media but it’s hard to explain that your feelings about it won’t be permanent. Someday you won’t care and it’s so freeing.
I remember trying to tell my (9 yrs) younger sister this (before social media)–the wisdom borne of having high school in my rear view mirror–that she wouldn’t care what other people think of her some day. I’m sure I’ll be getting to impress the same upon my kids soon. *sigh*
It is hard to teach, though I do think by handling it the way I do now, my kids are seeing a better way of dealing with it. Plus they do see the downside of social media. But I know (and hate!) that they will have to learn their own lessons. xo
I think you are so smart–at life, love, kids and all this social stuff. You wear your wisdom well! xoxo
You are way to kind my very sweet friend! xoxo
So true Kathy! We have to be willing to open ourselves up but the older we get the less the negative bothers us. I don’t get a lot of flack just because of the subject I write about , but I have seen it so many times. Sometimes it can be really ugly, but sometimes it can be beautiful too.
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I appreciate this article. Having had three under three I got many comments from people that were rude and just not necessary.
It’s amazing what some people can say, isn’t it? Thanks so much for stopping by! 🙂
Right on! Although, all those old people who told my wife and me that we were having too many kids (5) (my wife’s grandmother told us “to behave ourselves” 🙂 ) turned out to be right, not that I would give any back. Well, maybe just the teenagers. Can you rent out the teenagers and bring them back when the aliens depart their bodies?
I agree that blogging builds confidence. You begin to trust yourself more — your writing, your opinions, your uniqueness. I loved this post, very relevant. Thank you.
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You know, I’ve never had much pushback for my work online, on my blog or elsewhere. Am I doing it wrong?
I do get the occasional glare from people when I’m parenting my girls in public, whether it’s what we’re eating, how we’re acting, or what we’re listening to. One woman smiled at us at first as she pulled aside us at a stoplight. My girls and I were playing air guitar and singing.
Then she heard that it was to AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells,” and the dirty look ensued.
Kiss it, lady. I’m dadding the way I want to.
Glad you mom the way you do too, Kathy.
Yes and AMEN! This is fabulous! “My 50 years on this planet have taught me that I can take what I like out of anything I read, watch, or am told to my face, and leave the rest.” I am not quite 50 yet, but you just stated my life’s motto. I can learn a lot from people, but sometimes I don’t need their lessons 🙂 Great post. Thanks so much for linking up over at the Happy Now party. I hope you join in tomorrow!
This is beautiful and written so effortlessly. I’ve hit 40 and definitely feel other people’s opinions losing their power, but I look forward to the wisdom that has yet to come!.