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How I Learned to Spell Love

April 26, 2015 By Kathy Radigan

how I learned to spell Love

In my 49 years on this planet, I have had the chance to meet some amazing people and make a lot of good friends. Some have lasted beyond time and circumstance, while others have ended naturally after school, or a move or job change.

A few ended painfully.

But there is one friend whose effect on me was so profound that I think of her often.

Carol and I were in the same afternoon kindergarten class. She was my ideal of what a girl should look and be like. Her long brown hair hung down to her waist, and she possessed the all-American face I longed for myself. She had the ability to make friends easily and always managed to look neat and pretty.

If Carol was a polished pearl, I was a diamond in the rough.

I couldn’t stay clean if I was kept under glass. My hair never looked right, no matter what my mom did to it, so I frequently sported a un-girlish pixie cut. And it wasn’t always easy for me to make new friends, especially with other girls.

Unlike Carol, I couldn’t color in the lines, glue anything neatly, or cut a straight line to save my life. School never came easy for me, and kindergarten was no exception.

It wouldn’t be until years later when my dyslexia was discovered that I knew why everything was such a struggle. But even at the age of five, I knew something was wrong.

I never felt like a misfit when I was with her. She liked and accepted me for who I was. If someone smart and popular like her wanted to be my friend, how bad could I be?

One day we were sitting next to each other making a card for our families. I couldn’t figure out how to spell the word love, and I asked her for help. With the skill and patience my teachers sometimes lacked, she taught me how to spell and write the word on my card. I never forgot how to spell it again.

The following year Carol started first grade at the local Catholic school. I was heartbroken and so mad at the church for taking my friend away from me. We were never classmates again. Despite only living a few blocks away from each other, we rarely got together anymore.

I can’t remember if my mother used the word cancer when she told me Carol was sick, but I knew it was serious.

I can still see her that Halloween when she came trick-or-treating. Her beautiful long hair was gone, and she had a little granny cap on. But she was on my front stoop smiling and getting her candy like any other kid.

A few months later I went to her birthday party and brought her a Barbie. Since I unceremoniously ripped every package I got, I thought it was odd that she wouldn’t take the plastic off the doll’s hair. Years later, it occurred to that she might have been trying to protect the doll’s hair because she couldn’t protect her own.

I was home sick from school the day my mom got the call that Carol died. I was in the third grade and hadn’t seen her for at least a year, but I felt the loss. I knew I would never get to play with her again. She was gone.

Carol never had the chance to grow up, but I did. I went on to have sleepovers, act in plays, sing in choirs, go to parties, and dream about what I would be when I was an adult. I got to experience all the first dates, kisses, heartbreaks, jobs, and apartments that she never did.

Today I’m a writer, wife, and mom of three. My youngest child is around the same age I was when Carol died. Life has certainly gone on. Yet each and every time I spell the word “love,” I can’t help but think of the girl with the long brown hair.

 

Author’s note — This is a re-working of piece that was published on the Dishwasher, December 22, 2013 under the title, The Girl who Taught Me to Spell Love.

Filed Under: Beyond Mom Tagged With: cancer, childhood friends, death of a friend, dyslexia

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    April 26, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Oh Kathy, I was crying reading this and your memory of your childhood friend, Carol, who taught you not only how to spell love, but left a profound mark on you all these years after. I am truly so sorry for the loss of your young, childhood friend. Hugs to you, my amazing friend.
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Ridiculous or Not – Moms, It’s All Worth ItMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:49 pm

      Thank you sweet friend! I do think about the fact that she had such a profound effect on me that even today I still remember her. Especially when you consider I can barely remember my kids names!! Lol! xoxo

  2. michelle says

    April 27, 2015 at 6:50 am

    This is beautiful, sister. What a tribute to that little girl.
    michelle recently posted…Listen To Your Mother Rehearsal Curtain CallMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:48 pm

      Thank you Michele. xoxo

  3. [email protected] says

    April 27, 2015 at 8:52 am

    What a beautifully sad and loving story Kathy. It’s friends that Carol who make such an impact on our lives forever!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:47 pm

      Nancy you are so right!!!!! Lots of love my friend! xo

  4. Linda Roy says

    April 27, 2015 at 10:51 am

    Heartbreaking and beautifully written, Kathy. What a beautiful tribute to your friend.
    Linda Roy recently posted…Take Your Kids to Work Day: Go Ahead…Make My Work DayMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:47 pm

      Thank you sweet friend! xo

  5. Myke Todd says

    April 27, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    This is beautiful, beyond words. Such a loving tribute to one passed and gone, who will live in you for as long as you have days…
    Myke Todd recently posted…Weeping Willow Walk (for Lainey)My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:46 pm

      Thank you so much Myke! 🙂

  6. Bryce Warden says

    April 27, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    What a beautiful way to honor and remember your friend. Sorry for that loss for you and her family. Thanks for sharing that with the world.
    Bryce Warden recently posted…Nurturing through hospiceMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      April 27, 2015 at 6:46 pm

      Thank you so much. I’ts been so long I’m sure her family wouldn’t even remember me, but I do think of her often. Just goes to show that we never know who we are going to touch.

  7. Lisa Weinstein says

    April 28, 2015 at 7:00 am

    There should have been a tisssue warning on this one Kathy! Heartbreaking and beautifully written!

  8. The Imp says

    April 29, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Beautiful piece <3
    The Imp recently posted…Mother’s Day: What Mom REALLY WantsMy Profile

  9. alisa/icescreammama says

    April 30, 2015 at 8:04 am

    life is so sad. isn’t it amazing though how she stayed with you? some people just touch you. i bet her family would appreciate your memories.
    alisa/icescreammama recently posted…My dead grandma has finally come for a visit.My Profile

  10. Dana says

    June 2, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    Oh my heart hurt reading this, but it’s also such a beautiful and loving tribute to a friend who died far too soon. You’re a powerful writer.
    Dana recently posted…Living BackwardsMy Profile

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Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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