I adore being a mother. It’s the job I always wanted and one that I feel I’m really good at.
Am I the perfect mother? Of course not. I don’t even come close.
But I’ve always felt that motherhood fit my personality and talents well.
That is, I used to feel that way.
This September our eldest child, Tom, started high school and then a few months later turned 15.
It’s not that I wasn’t warned that the high school years would be challenging. I was. I guess I just thought that since Tom and I have always had a strong relationship, we would easily and effortlessly work through problems that came our way.
I will now give all of you who have parented a teen time to laugh at my innocence.
The closeness that Tom and I have always enjoyed has not completely left, but the conflicts that come up between the two of us, and the anger we can feel toward each other almost on a daily basis, surprise us both.
At the same time that my relationship with Tom has changed, my relationship with my youngest child is entering it’s golden age.
Peter is eight, and though his habit of asking questions such as, Can I build a swimming pool in the basement? or Can I go to Mars today? Or telling me that he can’t find his wife and he needs one this minute, drive me batty, they also delight me.
The easy relationship that I once had with Tom, I am now enjoying with Peter
Not surprisingly this had caused a conflict with not only Tom and I. It has also changed the relationship that Peter and Tom have.
Not a day goes by that I don’t have to remind Tom that killing his younger brother is not a good idea, or remind Peter that waking his older brother up at 5:00 in the morning is a good way to guarantee that he will not see his ninth birthday.
Their fighting has become a constant presence, and I’m not prepared for it. They have always had a great friendship. Now one minute Tom might be teaching Peter how to play chess, or they might be listening to the Beatles together, and the next minute I hear furniture banging and Peter running down the hallway to escape the wrath of his brother. More often than not, he has a big smile on his face.
I find myself constantly yelling at Tom to stop being so darn mean to Peter.
“Mom why are you always taking his side? It seems like you love him more than you love me.”
I explained to him that this was not possible. Just like I can’t love my right eye more than I love my left eye, I can’t love one of them more. They’re both a part of me, and my life is far better because they’re both it it.
I feel for Tom. I know that he’s experiencing growing pains. As much as he may want more independence and distance from me, he also misses the closeness that he sees me having with his younger brother.
Truth be told, he isn’t entirely wrong.
No, I don’t love one more than the other, but at this point in time, Peter is easier to like.
He’s still at an age where mommy can make the world a better place just by giving a hug or a reassuring word. Peter’s problems are easier for me to fix. He may like to explore the world, but I still make it go around.
This isn’t true when you are 15.
My heart broke a little when I realized this. I never want to be the one who causes my sweet son pain. I thought back to the little boy who would ask me to dry his tears before I left him at preschool or who would say I was the prettiest mom in the whole world.
Later that night when he came to say goodnight to me I hugged him a little tighter and told him it would be alright. And in that moment I know that he believed me.
You are going through the growing pains all parents go through. All of us, whether they talk about it or not.
Our children also go through their own growing pains, at every stage, and fifteen is certainly a time of confusion for them. Like you said, they want their independence but they don’t.
Sometimes it’s wise to put yourself in their shoes and try to see life, and remember it, from their point of view. Although we’re not boys, and we forget a little of what it’s like to be fifteen (and their world is different today than ours was) it may help you see what’s going on in their minds.
As my dad always said, this too shall pass. Live in the moment, cherish this time that they are home, and that you are able to watch these beautiful, wonderful children that you gave birth to experience life.
Loved your post, Kathy.
Cathy Chester recently posted…When Life Keeps Handing You Lemons: Handling The Difficulties Of Life
Cathy thank you (and your dad!) for your very wise advice. I do need to put myself in his shoes more. I also have to remember that even though he is saying he doesn’t need me, either by his words or his actions, the truth is, he does need me now more than ever. I will keep repeating “This too shall pass”! Lol! Thank you again dear friend!! xo
Oh Kathy, I have been there. Four year gap but similar situation. My youngest was and continues to be more like me in temperament and outlook on life. His older brother was hell to deal with during the teen years–mostly battling with me. I’m happy to say that we all survived and today I have a great relationship with both sons, now 32 and 28.
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Walker thank you so much for saying this! In my head I know it will pass but while we are going through it it feels like it will never get better. So good to know others have been through the same thing and survived!
Hi Kathy – as you know, I can empathize. I feel like I am going through a sort of mourning period, in letting Melissa go. And these past few weeks she has been exceptionally challenging! Tom knows you love him….and you are a wonderful mother!
Thanks Lisa! Yes, these teen years are really rough, on us all! It is good to be reminded by others who have gone before us that we too will survive! xo
Kathy, my heart broke a bit for you reading this, because I know I, too, am on borrowed time right now with my girls growing faster somedays then the speed of light. Right now, I am the one who lays the sun and the stars for them, but soon enough I will be the stupid, ignorant old lady that knows absolutely nothing int heir teens years. Even though I am well into my thirties, I still remember being a teen and how I thought this about my mom, but the good news is that I no longer think this and adore my mom again to pieces. So, I think you will get that closeness back with Tom, but might be in a bit different form as a adult who who adores his mother. Trust me, I was a terrible teen and lived to tell the tale. but then again ask me this when I am going through it in 10 years from now. You may need to remind me of my words today! Hugs my friend 🙂
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Janine I know I put my own mother through hell and back at this age but somehow I figured that the fact that I was older when I became a mother and had so much more knowledge about myself I would somehow manage this time better! Ha on me!! Lol! The good news is that you are really entering what I think of as the magic years with your girls, the bad news is that, yes, it does end! Lol! But as Cathy and Walker have reminded me, this too shall pass and we will all survive!! xo
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Oh, Kathy, this post breaks my heart, and makes me want to stunt my kids’ growth so that they never get older. I remember 15 being such a crappy age, and I am sure I won’t be able to take witnessing my own children go through the same stage. It sounds like you’re handling things with love and grace, like you always do.
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Gina I want to stunt the 8 year old’s growth because I know in a few years I’m going to be going through the same thing with him. My only saving grace is that by the time he is 15, Tom will be around 21 and if I use myself as a base,he should be nicer to be around by then!! Lol! Love to you!
SOBBING. I already feel all of this with Emma and Abby. Emma’s problems are becoming more complex, more angsty, more teenagery. And she is SO MUCH like me that it hurts sometimes. Abby is still so little and entertaining and easy. I get this post in every possible way. It is amazing. And I cannot wait to share it.-Ashley
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Ashley thanks so much for saying all that! It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one. I do remember being 15 and being jealous of my younger sister who is almost 5 years younger. She was much cuter at 10 than I was at 15. Of course it all balanced out because I was much nicer at 20 then she was at 15!! But you don’t see that when you are going through it, and as the mom it hurts to see your one child suffer and know that you are a part of what is hurting them! Insert knife!! Lol! This is such a HARD job!!! xoxoxo
Oh! It’s such a hard thing to mother two sons! Mothers of daughters cannot understand the difference, but to me (and to you, if not now then later) it’s clear as day.
You’re no longer raising little boys. You’re raising Tom to be a man. And for all the son/mom love we share, there’s still competition of all kinds: with the other son, with Dad, and then the tables turn…
and YOU are competing with the new lady in his life – the Girlfriend!
My older son (21 and closer to home than the 18yo) gets in little digs: “…not like Fins,” he’ll say, or “…but Fins can’t!”
And my heart breaks a little more because I can see how he felt just a scant few years ago – unloved, unliked… unwanted…?
There’s nothing to do but nod and agree and point out his strengths and try to leave Fins out of it, but it comes from a time when he was breaking away from MotherLove and moving to independence, and Fins was just easier to talk to and easier to get along with.
The real heartbreaker is that now Fins is at that stage of putting me at arm’s length (actually, 4 hours distance) and I see the damage I unintentionally may have done. But part of his growing up is that he needs to come to terms that I, his mother, DO love him…
The same as I love both my eyes and my one heart.
Pamela thank you so much for sharing this!! It really breaks my heart, but I do feel like all the men in my life are competing for my time, even my husband and each guy needs me. I felt bad that Tom felt I like Peter more, but it really hurt to realize that I do because right now he is just easier to love. I am learning from all of you amazing ladies who have gone before me that Tom still needs to know I love and adore all of him. Thank you so much! 🙂
Awww my oldest child is 9 and I have three sons and a daughter. This post put a lump in my throat. Don’t leave me little ones! Don’t grow up.
I know I want to make my 8 year old promise to not become a teenager!! My dad actually made my youngest sister to never become a teenager after living through me and my other sister. When she finally became an impossible teenager he would say, but you promised me!! Lol!
With tear filled eyes on comment. Kathy you have a beautiful honesty when you share your life with all of us. It sure took me back to those days with my sons. xo
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Nancy thanks so much for saying that! It really helps to know others have felt the same thing and survived! The teen years are so hard and filled with so much frustration, I really have to do a better job of remembering that and loving him through his more unlovable times!! xoxo
Ohmyheart, we’re tiptoeing into tweendom and the change in relationship is something I’m so tentative about. It’s so new and unknown and I love my roll as the safe space.
(Thank you for writing about this so honestly!)
Galit Breen recently posted…Busy Hands
Galit it’s something that has really taken me by surprise. Mainly because Tom and I are so close. I have to say that it’s been great to read the comments from moms who have been through it before, and survived!! Thanks! 🙂
Yes, yes… I’m with you on this. My daughter is only 5.5 and my son is 2.5, he’s just easier to work with and she’s so strong headed it makes me crazy. I love that she’s strong headed but there are times where it would be nice if she just chilled out a bit. I love them equally so very much but yes… I get it.
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I was surprised how it can change! One kid might be easy to deal with at one point and then it changes! This is a very hard job!! Lol! Thanks so much for dropping by!
You are ahead of me in this parenting gig, but you are an awesome mom doing a great job. I fear those days myself – I don’t want to forget the innocence and magic of the golden years (5-12) while I’m in the midst of adolescence. Great post!
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Julie thank you so much!! I really appreciate your very kind words. I keep reminding myself that just when Peter will be entering the teen years Tom should be entering his college years and I hear your kids like you again, so at least one of the boys will still lie his mom!! Lol! Of course I still have all the fun to go through with my daughter! Lol! 🙂
Ohhh, this crushed me but also gave me hope. I have only boys (Mama’s Boys, and thank you for your comment on my blog), but I dread the day when the closeness starts to shift. I am sure that cracks are always going to happen in phases, but I just don’t want them to turn into crevices. I’ll let you lead the way – I’ll be reading and crossing my fingers for you.
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I hope we don’t have any major crevices too!! I have to say though that the moms who have gone before me and have given me such nice feedback on this post really made me feel better! I will happily go ahead of you!! Thanks so much for dropping by! (I loved your post!)
I can see this in my future. I have 2 (a boy and a girl) kids with 6 years age gap. They are the best buddies most of the time but they can also brew up a storm when fighting. The oldest (boy) just turned 9 so it wont be long till the teenage years arrive. I pray for strength and wisdom!
We can just love them, guide them as much as we can mama, then pray with fervor for the best.
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If it makes you feel any better we really didn’t start getting into trouble till this year so you do have a while!! Lol! I think for the most part the bigger age gap does help a bit, I have not had the sibling issues that my friends have had whose kids are closer in age (I also have a girl in the middle).
You are so right, all we can really do is love them and give them a soft place to land! Thanks so much for dropping by!
Kathy, you are not causing your 15yo pain. He’s learning to navigate his feelings. He may not like something but that’s not pain. Teenagers are just jerks sometimes. Enforcing boundaries is the BEST thing you can do. At the same time, give him enough rope to experience his own consequences, good and bad. My 17yo now makes comments about her 14 yo sister. “No way I was like that!” I always reply, “you’re right. You were worse.” It will even out eventually and you’ll enjoy Tom again. I’m starting to like my 17yo again. There are a couple of things you can do: I invested in parent coaching. It took a lot of hard work but is the BEST investment ever. It’s based off the book “Parenting with Love & Logic”. The other thing you can do is drink wine, and lots of it. Keep up the good work, Mom.
Thank you so much and thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out ASAP! It’s so great to know that others have gone before me and survived! 🙂
Kathy,
It’s good for me to see this from your perspective. My little one is four and a half so I have a while to go–but I know what’s coming:)
Estelle
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You have a really long way to go!! Lol! Actually you are really entering the golden age, 5 to 12 is just delicious!! Enjoy!!
I alternated between which kid of mine was most likable. I still do and they’re all adults now. But, love? Ahhh…loving them is the constant. They might be different, but the love we have for them isn’t. It’s a constant. And this will pass. They will be your friends when they’re grown and they’ll have your back. This I know for sure.
Kathleen thank you so much! It’s been so helpful to hear from moms who have been through this phase and survived. 🙂
Bless you, that has to be such a struggle. Mine are almost 8 & 10, and while my girl is still still snuggly, my almost-10-year-old son is reaching that “too cool to hug mom” stage and it is breaking my heart. He’s having such a tough time this year, and because of it he has become very prickly. It would be very easy to give my girl more attention just because she is so lovey, but I know he needs attention more. There are a lot of battles between them, especially when he feels like she is getting all the good attention.
All we can do is try to spend time with each of them, one on one. Hugs to you, mama.
Jenn you are so right, it is when they are the hardest to like that they really need us the most!!!Thanks so much! 🙂
I had one child who was very easy to love and one who was much more challenging – but you know what, the more challenging one is the one that really took hold of my heart and taught me the most. Though sometimes it wasn’t easy for me, the rewards of those great moments with my more challenging child were worth it.
Now they’re both grown up and I love them both more than I ever imagined I could – just like I always have!
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Thanks so much Sharon. I think what surprised me most is that Tom and I have always had an easy relationship. I don’t know why I thought I would get out of the teen years unscathed! I also realize that the more unlikable his behavior is the more he really needs my compassion, love and understanding. It has been wonderful to hear from so many of you who have been through the teen years and lived to tell about it. Thanks again!
I have two sons and four step – children. My son’s are 17 & 19. Living out on their own. Not much time for mum anymore. It’s hard. Really hard. But I know that I can reach out and talk to them whenever I want. (Maybe not as much as they want…lol)
Hang in there, it will get easier and then it will get tougher, and then it will get easier again.
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Thanks so much Carrie-Anne! I think you bring up such a great point, there are times that are easier to deal with and then times where it does get sticky. So nice to know it gets easy again. 🙂
Kathy your Father and I did survive you and your sisters as a teenager,So will you! The love you have for all your children will keep you strong. This was a great post! Love you Mom
Thanks mom!! Of course my sisters and I were perfect angels and never gave you a minutes trouble, but I know what you are saying!! Lol! xoxo
I love to say “I will always love you but that doesn’t mean I have to always LIKE you.” The teen years DO have a up-side also. Every once in a while you get to have a really good conversation and realize how mature your “baby” now is (but other times you feel like you are dealing with a man sized toddler.) Middle school years were the hell years in our house (so far)…
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I am found of saying I always love you but I don’t always love what you do! Lol! Thanks so much for dropping by! xo