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The Best Lesson I Ever Learned

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the best lesson I ever learned

In 13 months I’ll hit the half-century mark. This means that for the next year, I won’t be 49, I’ll be almost 50.

Even writing the word 50 to describe myself seems a bit surreal. How is it possible that I’m this old? Wasn’t I just a twenty-something wondering what I was going to do with my life and when would I meet the “one.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about that young girl lately and the lessons I learned that brought me to my current life of being a mom to three, wife to one, blogger, and writer. A life that I’m pretty happy with most days.

(This is said as two of my three children are fighting and I’m closed off in my bedroom/office, seriously considering sending both to boarding school.)

It may sound corny, but for me, meeting my husband, Joe, was the best thing that ever happened to me. All the other great things that followed in my life were a direct result in my being with a person who truly loved and respected me for who I was.

He thought I was great the way I was. He didn’t suggest I cut my hair, dress differently, or comment on my weight, other than to say I looked great.

Joe was the first person I ever told that I wanted to be a writer. He didn’t laugh at me. He didn’t say I made all the wrong decisions in my life and that at 45 it would never happen. He didn’t bring up the fact that I was dyslexic and couldn’t tell my right from my left. He said, great, you should do it.

Just like he did years before when I said I would never be able to type, or drive, or go to college. All things I did with his support.

But the truth of the matter is, I would never have even given him the time of day if I hadn’t learned one really important lesson when I was that 23-year-old girl living alone in a tiny NYC studio apartment:  Don’t purposely slam your finger in a door.

Need a little more detail?

The year was 1988, and I had dated so many frogs looking for Prince Charming. I was beginning to think that maybe all men were at least a little shade of green. Perhaps I was being too picky. What’s a wart or two?

In fact there was a particular frog that I had given not one, but several chances to hop all over my heart.

He had the habit of coming into my life, turning it upside down with talk of love and promises, and then just leaving as quickly as he came. No call. No explanation.

I thought he was finally gone for good, but as I came home from work one night and started listening to my messages, I stopped cold in my tracks.

It was him. His voice filled with charm, telling me that only I could make his birthday special. He needed to see me. I meant so much to him.

(I know, I know, but I was only 23!)

I’m not going to lie, part of me wanted to call him back without even putting my groceries away.

But I didn’t  I put some of the therapy I had been receiving to good use and took a moment to think before I did anything.

I got out of my work clothes and went into my bathroom to freshen up. Maybe a little cold water would shock me back to reality and remind me that it had just taken me two months to get over the last time he hopped in and then out of my life.

As I left my bathroom staring at my answering machine wondering what I should do, somehow I managed to slam my finger in the doorway.

Pain shot through my whole body and tears streamed down my face.

Several four-letter words escaped from my mouth. The pain was just blinding.

And then it happened. Like a bolt of lighting I got struck with a thought that has helped guide my life ever since: Would I ever purposely slam my finger in a door?

No. Of course not, it hurt way too much. I would have to be crazy.

Ah, the bell rang. Ding, ding, ding. THEN DON’T CALL HIM BACK!  You will only get your heart slammed again.

I never did.

That was the beginning of making much better choices for myself, and not just in my romantic life.

About a year and a half later I learned my second best lesson, If you meet a person across a crowded room and you are instantly attracted to them, run the other way.

A few weeks later I met Joe and as they say, the rest is history.

 

Comments

  1. Lisa Weinstein says

    Kathy I feel like our lives exist in parallel sometimes! I was in a similar on again off again situation before I met Bob! AND – I too will be turning 50, it’s been on my mind ALOT!! So glad you slammed your finger…and that it taught you a life lesson! Another great post, as always! xoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      30 was tough, actually 29 was hard once I turned 30 I was okay. 40 was a non issue but I think that’s because I had a three month old baby along with a 6 and 3 year old. I was too busy to be upset!! I don’t think 50 is going to be too bad, but I would like to be 49, I’m always rushing myself!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks Eli, I was very lucky to find Joe!! You are so right, though I hate the fact that some of the best lessons come with a little pain! And, thank you, 50 is going to come whether or not I like it, so I think I will just embrace it!!! Thanks again! 🙂

  9. Joy says

    Aww, this is so sweet! Life is truly amazing for teaching us the best lessons in the most unexpected ways. Somehow it always finds a way to either tap us gently, or give us an undeniable jolt. Feeling supported by our partners is truly important. To feel loved and accepted for who we are paves the way for our higher selves to be more courageous about revealing itself. I really believe in that. 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you Joy! I know you are married to a prince too, and you are right, it makes all the difference. We all need somebody, it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, to believe in us no matter what!! xoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you Pat! My dyslexia is a part of me and I know it is responsible for my gifts as well as my challenges. But it was difficult being a kid with it. And it’s even harder to be a mom to a child with it, so thank you for being a teacher who works with dyslexic kids!! You guys are the real hero’s!! xox

    • Kathy Radigan says

      He called a few months later and he just started to get the message that I had moved on. Thankfully I learned my lesson that day or I think I would have been playing that game for a while!! Lol!

  13. Parri (Her Royal Thighness) says

    What an interesting way to look at toxic people. We are soul sisters in so many ways. I, too, spent way too much time on guys who treated me badly … until therapy made me realize what I deserve and I made the best choice of my life … Jim. I love the slam your finger in a door line. Going to use that analogy myself now!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Pari I still remember how much it hurt!!! Lol! I think about it often whenever I am faced with someone who isn’t good for me. Thankfully that doesn’t happen much now that I’m older and wiser! I’m so glad you found your prince!! Therapy was a real life save for me too! xoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Good to know I have more to look forward too!! Lol! Actually, I am looking forward to the future I just can’t quite believe that I’m so close to the big 50!! But now that I know you are 55 and super amazing I know I have something to look forward too! xoxo

  15. Suzanne Fluhr says

    I went through my share of “bad boys”. I even married one of them –briefly. My now husband was there through all of that. We were “just friends” for 10 years after meeting sorting silverware in our college fresh(men) cafeteria work study jobs. One day, he said we’d been ” just friends” for too long. I was kind of taken aback. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but I decided to take a chance. Fast forward 32 years, 2 careers, 2 sons and a whole lot of for richer, for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and we’re both lying on a hotel bed in Budapest, Hungary, catching up on our email and I feel so loved, respected, valued and content. I highly recommend marrying a good friend.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      What a great story Suzanne!!!!! My husband and I met on a blind date, but we always had a great friendship and that has saved us some times! In fact, I have been known to call my “friend” Joe to complain about my husband! Lol! I also hear about the cranky woman he is married to! Lol! xoxo

  18. Sandy Ramsey says

    What excellent advice! I hope you don’t mind if I use this in a conversation with my daughter one day. With lots of luck I won’t need it but we all know how that ends. I know exactly how you feel about your husband and your marriage. It sounds a lot like mine!
    Sandy Ramsey recently posted…SUICIDE BY BULLY and no one heardMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Please feel free to discuss this with your daughter!! And I too hope she never needs it, but we woman can do some goofy things sometimes!!! I’m so glad you too found your prince! It’s a real blessing to find a partner that fits! xoxo

  19. bodynsoil says

    This is a wonderful post and speaks to me on so many levels. Wanting to write, as writing challenged is my nemesis, your journey to find your husband and the one user guy before him, and turning 50 while thinking that I was just in my twenties. Life happens so fast and you only get one ride, make the best of it.

    I love your analogy regarding slamming your finger in the door, perfect..
    bodynsoil recently posted…Rhubarb Plant Mulch DIYMy Profile

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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