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A Rare Book: Rare Bird – A Review & Interview with Anna Whiston-Donaldson

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Rare Bird, by Anna Whiston-Donaldson, published by Convergent Books, is a powerful and moving account of a terrible, personal tragedy.

Anna and I met at BlogU in June, where she told me about the journey she and her family had gone through after the tragic accident that took the life of her 12-year-old son, Jack, three years ago.

I was honored when she asked me to review her book, but a little nervous when it arrived.

My son Tom is just a few months older than Jack. Anna seemed like the same type of hands-on, ever-present mom that I wish to be. She’s happily married and our daughters are around the same age. If an accident could happen to her boy, well I didn’t want to finish that thought. This wasn’t going to be a light read. What did I get myself into?

Then I started reading, and I couldn’t put it down.

RareBird_3d book cover

Anna makes it clear in her introduction that she thought her first book would be similar in tone to her popular blog, An Inch of Gray. She imagined she would share her tips on painting furniture and decorating, maybe even adding some inspirational bible verses. She didn’t think she would write a memoir about loss.

“I wish I had nothing to say on the matter of loss, but I do. Because one ordinary day I encouraged my two kids to go out in the rain, and only one child came home. I learned in that moment what many other people already knew: that it can all turn to shit in a heartbeat. All of it. Our families. Our futures. Our dreams. Even our faith.”

Rare Bird is an intimate look at how one family deals with the unthinkable, and Anna doesn’t sugar coat it. She beautifully and honestly lets us see her pain and the immense difficulty of not only grieving her son but also how she mothered her 10-year-old daughter, Margaret, through the most horrible period of her young life, the loss of her best friend and brother.

I asked Anna if there’s a piece of advice she could share with other women who find themselves in the almost impossible position of dealing with their own profound grief, yet still need to be the caregiver of the family?

This is a great question, Kathy. I think that often instinct kicks in, with the need to mother the one right in front of you. I’d say follow that instinct, and do your best. But also try to carve out times when you can grieve on your own. I did this while driving in my car, taking a shower, and times when I had a few hours off from work and my daughter was in school.

The weight of my grief was too frightening for her, so I tried to give myself chances to really let it out when she wasn’t around.

That doesn’t mean I recommend hiding grief and sadness from our other children. I just somehow needed to be “OK enough” that I didn’t make her more frightened and sad than she already was. I didn’t want her to feel like she was losing her mom, too.

Anna, In the book you recall a conversation you had with Jack a few months before the accident where he told you he might want to be a missionary. Do you see sharing his story as a way of making his dream come true? And what do you see as that mission?

Jack was worried that perhaps he was too shy to be a missionary, but I definitely see him as one now.

Through my writing, I’ve been able to give voice to the kind of person Jack was, and that somehow helps him continue to affect people, even in death. His favorite Bible verse, “For nothing is impossible with God,” has encouraged people facing hard times. His tragic death has made mothers appreciate the quirky, wonderful kids right in front of them.

Also, as I’ve shared the sometimes tiny, sometimes dramatic ways that God has comforted us since Jack’s death, I think people have seen that God is at work all the time in the world, just in ways we often overlook. I am hoping that through Rare Bird Jack will be able to be a missionary to many.

You share very honestly how after the accident some of your relationships changed. People who you thought would always be there for you weren’t able to support you, and others that you weren’t as close to became very important. What advice can you give to people whose friends or family are experiencing a loss of a loved one? What did you find helpful? What gave you comfort?

I would recommend JUST SHOWING UP, physically and emotionally. In the early days, this means showing up at the funeral and at their home. Later, it means reaching out again and again, and NOT taking it personally if your friend seems different. She’s going to be different, not by choice, but just by circumstance. She needs to know you are still there for her, and will be long after the casseroles stop coming.

I’d also beg people NOT to talk themselves out of helping just because their friends might have closer people in their inner circle. Sometimes those in the inner circle are unable to be helpful. Your kind word, your hug, your text, your card may be exactly what a hurting person needs in that exact moment. Follow the inner prompting to reach out! Every small, kind deed will ease the pain a little bit.

Anna what would you like people to take away from Rare Bird?

I’d like those who have suffered profound disappointment and pain to know that they aren’t alone, and that it is possible to survive and even thrive after loss.

I’d like those who have not experienced such pain to get a glimpse of how to show up for others in times of heartache. And without trying to provide answers, or shove religion down anyone’s throat, I hope I’ll be able to show how faith in God, even a teeny faith like mine, can provide comfort and hope in a dark time. Love never dies.

I can’t stress how much Rare Bird and Anna’s story moved me. It’s a must-read for anyone who has ever walked through grief, and it’s a great primer for the rest of us.

Many thanks to Anna for allowing me to be a small part of her campaign to get the word out about her gorgeous book, which goes on sale, September 9. You can preorder it here.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Michelle as powerful and as hard as what Anna and her family had to go through, Rare Bird is not a depressing book. It’s actually very life affirming. I can’t recommend it enough! Love to you! xo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Alison thank you so much for coming on over and lending your support. I too love Anna’s book and am grateful to have gotten to be a very small part of the campaign. xo

  4. Jennie Goutet says

    I loved the additional Q&A, which provided insight into some of the what-to-dos. Even if there is not any “one right way,” all of us need some direction, whether navigating grief, or walking alongside someone else who is.
    Jennie Goutet recently posted…Parenting AdviceMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Jennie I so agree, walking through grief is hard and painful enough, but when we as moms walk both role as griever and comforter it really is impossible. I love Anna’s words and example as well! xo

  6. Lisa says

    I love this review and interview. And I love the focus on mothering Margaret – Anna’s conscious choices to show “just enough” of her grief to let her daughter know that the pain is normal but that she should not fear losing her mom, too, is such a sign of strength and wisdom. Your post is a great opportunity to hear Anna’s voice in the give and take of a conversation, giving the book yet another dimension. And how lovely to think of Jack as a missionary with so many lessons still to teach.
    Lisa recently posted…A Review of Rare BirdMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you so much. I agree, how Anna was able to mother Margret through her own grief is a wonderful testament to her and her parenting. I love her advice to find places where we as moms can experience our feelings and grief. xo

  8. Tara @ Don't Lick the Deck says

    Thank you for sharing this Kathy. I really like the advice to just show up, when we’re not sure how to support our friends who have experienced such a loss. And the part about making sure her daughter didn’t lose her mother as well, with finding the balance of sharing her grief. Such courage and strength. My prayers are with their family.
    Tara @ Don’t Lick the Deck recently posted…9 Ways You Know My Kids Are Not Starting KindergartenMy Profile

  9. Erin says

    Your questions are so thoughtful and interesting. Thank you for exploring more about how to help those families who are grieving. Rare Bird is a powerful gift and so is this interview.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you so much Erin. I was so grateful for Anna for giving us some insight on how to help our friends and family when they are dealing with profound loss. I am one of those people who fear intruding because I’m not in the “inner circle.” It’s so helpful to know that that is when people may need your friendship the most! xo

  13. Rena McDaniel says

    I remember this very painful story and I’ve wanting to read this book. She is a very remarkable woman who is making the most out of a horrible tragedy. Thanks for sharing this.

  14. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says

    Oh Kathy — just reading this interview brought tears to my eyes. Such a devastating story, but it’s reassuring to know that Anna is surviving and thriving. Whenever my daughters are away from me I go into a studied denial that anything bad could happen to them. I just can’t entertain those notions. But this book could serve as a light for any of us who might suffer such a tragedy.
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary recently posted…Are You Catnip for Asshats?My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Shannon the hardest part about writing this review was trying to get across that although the subject is beyond painful to even think about (I do the same thing as you do, denial is my friend!) Anna’s book is NOT sad and it is not about Jack’s death, it’s about his life and how they walked through this horrible time. I just adore this book, which is a strange thing to say about a book like this! xoxoxo

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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