My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

All or Nothing

By

all or nothing

Yesterday I found myself on a train into New York City to have lunch with two friends. One who lives in Manhattan and one who was visiting from out of town for a conference.

When my husband handed me the train ticket, I jokingly thanked him for issuing me my “day pass” from the insane asylum.

As I sat on the train I marveled at how quickly I have always been able to disconnect from my kids. Even when they were babies.

Since I’ve been an extremely connected, stay-at-home-mom from the minute my first child was born 15 years ago, I imagine many would think that I would have a hard time leaving my kids for any amount of time.

I don’t.

I realized this ability when my first born, Tom, was only 15 months old. My mother had come into Queens to stay with him so that I could enjoy a day in the city by myself and stay overnight with my sister at her apartment.

She drove me to the train station and it took all my strength to get out of the car. My heart felt as if it was breaking as I looked down at my sweet son waving goodbye to me with his chubby little hand.

I made sure my mother knew every detail of his day, even going as far as writing down when he napped, when he ate, and even what video or CD to put on to make him laugh or sleep.

As I stood on the platform waiting for the train, I wondered how I’d have any fun without the child I adored.

Then the train came. I took my seat and barely gave him a second thought.

Baby? What baby?

I didn’t make frantic calls home or even check up on him until later that night.

I knew he was in good hands, and if there was a problem my mother would call me.

My ability to disconnect has never changed. As soon as my children are out of sight, I slip out of my mom persona and go back to being the Kathy I knew before I answered to Mommy.

Yesterday I took my seat and started listening to music without a teenager teasing me about my “lame” choices. I thought in full sentences — never once having to break my concentration by saying, “Knock it off” or “Don’t kill your brother.”

I came out of the station and as if by cell memory my feet moved faster, and I grabbed a cab with ease.

As the cab made its way uptown to the restaurant my friends were at, I marveled that even though I haven’t lived in the city for 18 years, it still feels as if I never left.

Lea, Ava. and I had a great brunch. We chatted about how our summers are going and discussed our latest writing projects. Before we knew it, it was time for Lea to return to her conference.

Ava and I continued to chat, ignoring the waiters who clearly wanted us to leave even though the restaurant was empty.

All of a sudden I felt my bag vibrate. I fished around for my phone and heard Tom’s voice.

“Mom, where are you? Dad thought you might have taken the 2:30 train, so we are at the station, and LIzzy is all upset because you aren’t here.”

The real world beckons me back.

Lizzy’s special needs can make it hard for her to understand that mommy is fine, even if I’m not on the train they were waiting for. Tom said she feared I was gone forever.

Joe got on the phone and explained that all was well. Despite the carrying on I heard in the background, I chose to believe  him.

Apparently they had been out doing errands, and he was afraid that I may have tried to contact them. He didn’t want me to wait at the station so he took a chance and just went over in case I took the train home we had discussed.

I spoke to Lizzy and assured her I was on my way home.

I hate to admit it, but I felt a little like Cinderella leaving the ball.

Ava and I said our goodbyes, and I relished my time alone in the cab and my train ride back.

My thoughts continued to flow uninterrupted. Lately I have been so conscious of the fact that my kids are getting older and that before I know it my nest will be empty or at least emptier. I find myself wanting to relish every minute I have left of being a mom in the thick of raising a family.

The truth is, as much as I adore my role as mom, I do miss the parts of myself that are buried in to-do-lists, stress over issues the kids still face, and the weight I have gained in my attempt to “handle it all.”

I came to the realization that despite years of therapy, my all-or-nothing personality has never left me. I can be Mom or I can be Kathy, I’m not great at juggling both at the same time.

The train doors opened and I got out.

I heard cries of both Mommy and Kathy as I turned around to see Joe and the kids calling and waving to me from the overpass. Lizzy and Peter had Burger King crowns on, and Tom was walking that very delicate line of being happy to be with his family and wishing nobody who knows him is around.

Within seconds I was enveloped in a huge hug from Lizzy.

“Mommy you came back. You came back.”

I could see the smiles of onlookers who I’m sure wondered just how long I had been gone.

I was back with my family and the life I love. Determined to find a way for my two roles to merge a bit more successfully.

Comments

  2. Leslie Kendall Dye says

    I think being a mother is like an acting role: it is all-encompassing from the moment you take it on and it changes your self-perception. I am STILL startled when my two year old cries out Mommy! and I think, oh my goodness, that’s ME she’s talking about. I don’t have as much ability to disconnect when I am away and I think that is not good for her. I have to work on that. My husband agrees. She will be fine! Take more time! I struggle with it but I think it makes you a better mother to find your identity separate from your child or children. Thanks for the encouragement! it was a lovely post!
    Leslie Kendall Dye recently posted…Thanks for the MemoryMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks Leslie! You are right, it is like an acting role and it is all-encompassing. I know so many moms who find it hard to disconnect from the role. I always figured that would be my struggle too, I really surprised myself at being able to. It can take time! Thanks so much for dropping by! xo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Estelle thank you so much for saying that!! It is so nice to have a chance to be just Kathy, I really do want to learn how to maintain that feeling of self while I’m knee deep in the mommy role too! I guess I will find out if that is really possible! xox

  4. Lisa Weinstein says

    So glad you had a well-deserved lunch in the city! Melissa left yesterday for 2 weeks in NC with her cousins. Am I a bad mother because I’m not horribly devastated that she’s gone. (A drama-free week!)
    xoxo,
    Lisa

    PS – do your kids read your blog?

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks Lisa! It’s funny how we think we will be so lonely without them yet find that it’s really nice to get back to just being us! I’m pretty sure it’s easy since I (and probably you) know that it’s only for a short time. I think it will be a very different challenge when they actually fly the coop!

      As for the kids reading the blog, Tom sometimes does, but he acts like it’s one more thing on his list, “Oh, yea, mom I meant to read it” Lol! All three of them are aware of it and help me with topics, or I should say I beg them for topics and they tell me to stop!! Lol! xox
      Kathy Radigan recently posted…All or NothingMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks so much Angela! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who can disengage from the kids. I wonder if it’s a survival instinct? I just wish I could maintain a sense of Kathy when I’m with the kids. I will work on this! xox

  6. Ice Scream Mama says

    This is so me!! although it took me awhile to realize that i would be okay leaving, but once i did i realized, like you, i barely looked back. i truly enjoyed my away time and then when i was back in the fold i relished that. perfectly said. 🙂
    Ice Scream Mama recently posted…Teen interruptedMy Profile

  7. Janine Huldie says

    Kathy, I got a lump in my throat and I know this feeling myself all too well. I can totally be me and feel at ease when I am away from my kids, as I know it is either Kevin, my mom or his that are watching my girls and all I trust with my life and my girls 110%, but still I know what it feels like when I return and usually I get as wonderful of a welcome back, too. You truly said it perfectly here and like I said can totally relate and then some.
    Janine Huldie recently posted…My Challenge..My Profile

  9. Joy says

    I think you’re very fortunate to have this capacity for ‘all or nothing’, for successful compartmentalization. I wish I were more capable like that. Since becoming a mother, it’s as if I’d been vaccinated with this ‘condition’ and it’s irreversible. When I go on dates with my hubby, or with my girlfriends, Noah is still in the backburners, and lit up pretty fiercely, if I may say so! I want to be able to REALLY relax but I guess I need to try harder. *sigh* Happy to hear you had a fun day with friends, Kathy!
    Joy recently posted…What I’ve Learned From A Decade of Being Away From HomeMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Joy I am glad I can disengage from my kids, I think I would be crazy if I could not. Start slowly, I have had friends who had a hard time leaving the mom role behind and eventually got to a point where they felt much more relaxed when they are out with their husbands or friends.

      I do wish I could keep a bit of myself when i’m with the kids. I think I have to do a much better job at redefining my boundaries with my darlings. And thanks, I did have fun!! Now we have to get you to NYC!!! xo

  10. Lauren Stevens says

    YES! You are not alone. Once I stopped nursing my son, it was as though a line had been cut between us. The Blog U conference was my first weekend away, and I can say that I relished every moment; having dinner in Canton with a girlfriend, staying up late with her watching VEEP and dishing, and even the car ride to and from gave me a sense of freedom I had been missing for TOO long.
    Lauren Stevens recently posted…My Grey Hair: Testament to a Life [Well] LivedMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Lauren now that I think of it, I nursed my oldest till he was 11 months, so I can now see why it was when he 15 months that I started to be able to disconnect so completely. I do think it’s a good thing, I just wish I could keep a little more of myself when I’m with the kids. I’m working on it!

  12. Ava Chin says

    So true! It can be so hard to actually break away from family for spells–but when you do it’s lovely re-connecting with your pre-motherhood self. These moments of respite make us better, more integrated people, and therefore better parents. And I’m not just saying that because it meant that I got to spend time with you (a win-win however you look at it!). Love this piece.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      I had so much fun seeing you and Lea!!! And it was lovely to reconnect to the parts of myself that are just mine. I would like to do a better job of keeping some of them intact even when I’m with the kids. We shall see how that goes!! Lol! xoxo
      Kathy Radigan recently posted…All or NothingMy Profile

  14. andrea brovetto says

    Kathy that was a great Post! Im glad you got away for even a short time to regain the person you are! You do deserve a break! every mom does! Love you lots!Mom

  17. Irene says

    Thanks Kathy…I could truly relate. I have a 14-year old and still feel guilty if I dont spend enough time with her …even though it feels as if lately she can do without me for most of the time…We loose a little of ourselves by being a mother and wife and its always good to get a friendly reminder that we once were girls who loved doing normal girlie stuff. Glad you could have that moment…and its true that our nests might be empty sooner than we think…so we should enjoy being with our families but not forgetting who we are..

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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