My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

So Long it’s Been Good to Know You

By

So Long It's Been Good To Know You

I’m a good mother.

I’m not a perfect mother. I could easily fill up 100 pages with mistakes I made just this weekend.

But unlike the deep bouts of doubt I once had over whether I was a good actor or singer, or the doubts I can have today over whether I’m a good writer, blogger, gardener, or even friend, I don’t have too many over my ability as a mother.

Motherhood fits my personal skills really well. I’m a natural born nurturer. The years I spent on a therapist’s couch working on myself have given me a fair amount of patience, and my love of theater and art have always gelled well with kids,

My problem-solving skills served me well in the paid workforce and came in handy when it turned out that both of our boys have learning differences and our daughter has significant special needs.

I also don’t mind playing the bad guy. I’m not afraid of the word no, and I take it as a sign that I’m doing my job well if one of my kids says they hate me

Being a mom is the one job I always knew I wanted, and one I worked really hard to get. My husband and I endured four miscarriages before the birth of our first child.

When Tom finally came along 15 years ago, followed by Lizzy and then Peter, I felt blessed to finally have the family I wanted, and I didn’t want to take one minute for granted.

I’ve always been grateful that I had the choice to stay home and be their primary caregiver and have never once regretted my decision.

Even on days when I could barely keep my eyes open from sleep deprivation or was on my tenth load of laundry because a child, (or two or three), had a dreaded stomach bug, or one of the angels was in the midst of a horrific meltdown, or I didn’t think I could sing one more verse of, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed, I knew I wouldn’t trade one minute of my cushy, pre-child life for my worst day as a mom.

Then this year happened. Tom, our wonderful, talented, first child who I have always enjoyed a great relationship with, entered high school, turned 15, was abducted by aliens, and replaced with a surly, moody teenager.

He can be so nasty to everyone and anyone in the family that I’m often in shock. For the first time in my career as a mom, I feel completely off my game. I find myself losing my temper and being angry and cross myself. The tone in my family has changed, and I’m angry.

Up until now I’ve directed my anger and frustration at Tom. I simply couldn’t understand why his behavior could be great one moment and just horrible the next. This is not the genteel homelife I envisioned for us and worked so hard to maintain.

Today I had a realization. What if I’m not just angry at his behavior? What if I’m a little angry at losing my little boy? What if my feelings are coloring the way I’m handling him and making a tense situation worse? After all I’m the mom. The buck stops here. If something isn’t working, I have to take some of the responsibility.

As a mom, I’ve focused so much energy on helping my son become all he can be. Each time a problem has come up, I’ve quickly gotten him the help he needed. I was determined that Tom’s dyslexia not define him or his options. I’ve spent so much time preparing him to be his own advocate and have been so proud to see him stand up for himself. I also love that he’s a typical teenage boy, joking with his friends, acting goofy, and testing the limits.

I still can’t quite get over the fact that one day I was picking out cribs, the next picking out preschools, and within a couple of years will be helping him pick out colleges.

I know this is the way it’s supposed to be. But all my hard work is making my job less and less important. I’m moving from a hands-on manager to more of a consultant. Like any displaced employee, I miss the “good-old-days.”

 

 

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    Aww, Kathy I truly am so nervous about blinking and time going this quickly here, too. As much as my days are crazy right now, I love my girls and don’t want them to grow up too quickly.m yet, I know deep down it is the inevitable. If only we could just slow down time just a bit and enjoy each stage fully (even the craziest moments). Hugs and like I said know my day will come, too.
    Janine Huldie recently posted…School’s Out for Summer TToT StyleMy Profile

  2. Kathy Radigan says

    Janine I so wish there was a pause button!!! It really does go by so quickly, you are really getting to the fun ages now, you are going to love it!! xoxo

  3. Jennifer Wolfe says

    Teenage years are hard. That’s it. They’re hard on the kids, they’re hard on families, and hard on parents. My daughter has now just graduated and is gone for the summer then gone for college- and yes, I’m with you. It’s sad when they don’t need us as much anymore, even when it’s what we’ve prepared them for.
    Jennifer Wolfe recently posted…Deep GratitudeMy Profile

  4. The NotsoSuperMom says

    Oh, Kathy, this is my fear too! Of course, my oldest is only 12, but the attitude she can muster in a nanosecond, makes me fear for the days when she’ll be older (and even taller!) and storm out and eventually drive off. I already wonder what I am doing that elicits such anger from her sometimes! I’m sure some of it is just normal age-related behavior, but that doesn’t make it any better–especially when the younger kids bear witness. Talk about growing pains! I’m not sure who it hurts more….
    The NotsoSuperMom recently posted…Annie Get Yer Gun (or The Night I Almost Shot my Yoga Pants)My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      You are so right about the younger ones picking up on it, it’s so true!!! You know it’s funny, Lizzy is 12 and because of her special needs I’m spared a little, but even she can give me some really impressive attitude at times!! Yuk!!! Sending love and sympathy!! xoxo

  5. Marsha burgess says

    Oh my…I do so feel your pain, honey. I’m on my third teenage “dual personality, love you–hate you, what do you want now, can you do my laundry by morning?” little love bug, so I know EXACTLY how you feel. But the strangest thing is, one day around 18 or so, your son will wake up and say “Hi, Mom! Need the trash taken out? Can I help you with breakfast?” and you’ll want to run into the bathroom and cry your eyes out from sheer joy. Which I highly recommend for about 5 minutes or so…any longer and the toast might get burnt.

    So hang in there, kiddo. There are indeed dark times ahead. But at the end of them (no rhyme no reason I’ve been able to figure out from 3 of them) you are rewarded with a wonderful, kind, funny, happy young person who has actually absorbed what you’ve taught them all these years. So go get some coffee and smile — you’re in for a bumpy ride.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Marsha that is so good to know!! Thank you so much, I will re-read all of these great comments and remind myself that there is brighter days ahead!

  8. grownandflown says

    Kathy, it is part of the separation trajectory that kids take. They have to move apart and it is disconcerting and painful. We are here for you! Yes, you will be dropping him off at his freshman dorm all too soon….oh my.
    grownandflown recently posted…“The Biggest Mistake”My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      I know this is true, but I so don’t want it to be!!! I am so glad you are here, it’s nice to know that others have walked the path before and survived! xo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Sharon I know that is what they are supposed to do, I think that’s why I suddenly occurred to me that I am playing a part in it. It is painful, to be honest I really hate it!!! It’s been great hearing from so many of you amazing women who have been through it before and survived, thanks so much!!!

  11. stacey says

    This post resonated with me. Not only do I see why I have such a connection with your writing (our pasts are similar), but I have been doing this too. Especially this summer with the munchkins home, my patience is on the edge. Thanks for making me look inward and take your words to heart today.
    stacey recently posted…Grass is Always Greener on the Golf CourseMy Profile

  12. Joy says

    It’s really true when they tell us Moms that it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. The challenges (and skills set required of us) just change as our children age. I dread the tweens/ teen years. From your post above, I’m now wondering how my little angel would change once he hits puberty. But you’re right. No matter how angry they make us, no matter how insane they drive us, we sure would miss them when they grow older and need us less and less. Hope you’re hanging in there, Kathy. *HUGS*
    Joy recently posted…Everything I Learned The Day I Finally Met A TickMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Joy it’s so funny because I would read stories about other kids hitting their teens and I would think, Tom is just never going to do that, he is not made that way. Ha! But you really don’t ever know. And in some ways it’s great that he is acting this way, it’s what is supposed to happen, but it’s not fun!! xoxo

  13. Karen says

    You know, Kathy, it’s likely that Tom doesn’t understand why he’s suddenly turned into Teenzilla, either–hormones + social pressures are a potent mix, and a lot of teens have a hard time figuring out what they’re so peeved about. I think the most important thing for us as parents is to try not to take it personally when things suddenly go kaboom–and to recognize what we’re mourning, and let ourselves do it. Hugs to you!
    Karen recently posted…Summer and CarcinomaMy Profile

  15. Linda Roy says

    Wow Kathy – I needed this today. Thank you for sharing it. My son Max is 14 and he started the moody teenager stuff probably at age 10. Last night was his eighth grade graduation and he was sweet, engaging, funny, talkative. Today, he’ll probably sleep until noon and insist on sitting in his dark room playing Assassin’s Creed all day. You brought up a really great point; I really believe I do have some anger at losing my little boy, and not only do I get agitated with his behavior and how it affects the family dynamic, but I’m angry at the passage of time and the changes it brings. But you’re right; we are in a position to at least model positive behavior in the face of some pretty rotten teen angst! Thank you for the reminder and let’s hang in there together! xoxo
    Linda Roy recently posted…There’s a Hoo-Ha In WhovilleMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Linda the passage of time has really been challenging for me. it is amazing to see the kids grow and become the people they are meant to be, but I don’t think I ever appreciated how much we lose each time we gain something. Congratulations on having a high school student now! Sending love! xoxo

  16. Ariel says

    I really enjoyed reading this post because it’s so well- written but it makes me a little nervous for the teenage years to come with my two kids! I recently wrote a post about how my five year old can sometimes seem like two different kids. I think sometimes our children save the worst for us because they know they’re loved unconditionally and no matter how badly they act in order to test boundaries we’ll still love them.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Yes Ariel you are so right, I do think they save the worst behavior for us. And I guess that’s okay!! Though not always easy! Thanks so much for coming on by! 🙂

  19. thedoseofreality says

    Nailed it…I often feel this way dealing with Emma…her hormones have started to kick in and when mixed with all of her self-doubt it is a tough combo. And I think what I miss the most is the ease of before. I was just talking with my sister the other night about a friend of hers with a 5 month-old who is struggling to get on a sleep schedule…and I thought about how hard those times felt until I got to now…and I know that what is coming ahead of me will be even harder. Amazing post Kathy.-Ashley
    thedoseofreality recently posted…Pinterest Nightmare #563: The Desk SandboxMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks so much Ashley! It is so true, when they are babies, especially your fist, it is all so new and it feels so hard. I have to remember that, that at first each stage seemed impossible and I got through it, and I will this time too! I think what I didn’t count on was how much I was going to miss the young child he was. It really is a loss, each time they go onto another stage. Sending love! xo

  21. LindaClaudine says

    Something would be wrong if a teenager didn’t act in the fashion that is typical as it is the time when the adult is emerging. Perfect kids are often the ones to watch a bit closer (I speak from experience as having been a “perfect” kid basically, though I still had my major mood swings and “I hate you”‘s! And a parent’s job is for life. I am now having to reassure my mother that things I did were NOT her fault. (I can’t believe she did all that she did: worked, dealt with my father’s rapid onset of blindness due to RP, was a room mother to all 3 of us, superintendent of sunday school several years, vacation Bible School (did the first integrated one in town), PTA, etc., combined with a brother who seemed determined to kill himself in some type of accident and NOT graduate from high school, keeping my brother alive and graduated loomed high and right in her face. At the same time, I was concentrating on getting a scholarship to a good university, belonging to and chairing and officiating who knows how many school activities (and this was before Title 9), working part time, active in my church group, rarely fought with my dad or grandparents, and was a very good actress. Yet now, she is convinced any problems I have had in life (which pale in comparison to most – and I’m happy with my lif) were because she did not notice. Most parents – even the worst – try to do the best that they can – and that’s all one can ask for. I had a storybook childhood and youth (which my friends today are all envious of), but in the long run, not everything falls on the parents. Serial killers have perfectly normal siblings. Just lay down some reasonable rules and make time for talks (even if they are at midnight – or whenever your son has to be home), and keep some semblance of family activities and vacations going as long as you can stand it (I did get bad about those). And the youngest will be the easiest because you will be so experienced!

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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