I still remember sitting on the train not knowing what was going to happen when the train pulled into the familiar station. Thoughts and memories just started to assault me. I was scared. What was I coming home to?
It just seemed so impossible. I had spoken with my mother in the morning before I went to my new job as a hostess at a trendy restaurant. I usually would check my machine when I was at work. But it was a Sunday, and I wasn’t expecting anyone to call.
When I got home, I was surprised to find 10 messages on my machine. How’d I get so popular?
With each message, my heart beat faster.
First message: Daddy may have had a heart attack. We’re on our way to the hospital.
Next message: We’re at the hospital. Daddy had a little heart attack.
A third message, then a fourth: I’ve called your sister; she’s coming home from school. I think you should come home.
A couple of messages later: Daddy’s not doing well at all; please come home quickly.
The tenth and final message: Where are you? Get home now.
In a matter of minutes, my life had changed. I finally got through to my mother. She had her sweet, too calm telephone voice. That was when I knew things were really bad.
“Hi, honey. Yes, daddy had a heart attack. No, it does not look good at all; he probably won’t make it. Come home as fast as you can. I love you.”
At times of family crisis, my mother would routinely adopt a tone of voice better suited to telling me that Macy’s was running a sale on purses, and we didn’t want to miss out. It was not the tone of a woman whose husband was in intensive care after a major heart attack.
I didn’t know what to do. I lived by myself in a little studio apartment. I felt lonely and alone.
My dad was 48 and in good shape. This shouldn’t be happening.
I called my best friend Kay who said she would take the train home with me. Thankfully the train ride was only an hour, but I was terrified.
As I sat on the train, Kay by my side, I didn’t know what to think. I had never been really close to my father.
We had always had a strange and strained relationship. It wasn’t uncommon for me to call home and just say a cursory hi and then ask for my mom.
I thought to myself that my dad may have died, and I never had time to repair the relationship. He was going to die without me making peace with him. That thought stuck in my head.
The train finally pulled into Northport, and I gasped.
My father’s two oldest friends were by the platform waiting to pick me up. This was not a good sign. I was used to seeing my dad’s best friend, Ernie, he was like an uncle to me. But I hadn’t seen my dad’s friend George in about four or five years. This must really be serious.
George and Ernie didn’t say much other than what my mom had told me on the phone. My dad had a heart attack, and the situation was very serious.
We got to the hospital, and my mother greeted me as if we had just come to a party.
It’s a strange family trait that I have inherited as well. The more serious the situation, the calmer we get. My mom was telling Kay she was so glad she came with me. And, she had a huge smile on her face as she said “Daddy had a major heart attack. They don’t think he is going to make it through the night.”
My sisters and I still laugh with my mother over this.
Now that I’m older I can understand the reaction a bit more. There are some things that are so immense, so horrible that if you actually felt them you could not function.
Everywhere I looked there was a relative or family friend in the hospital waiting room. Some people I had not seen for years. Everyone waiting to hear any news that might come.
I was weeks away from my 23rd birthday and the real possibility that my dad would not be around to see me get married or have children was almost unbearable.
Again, the thought that kept going through my mind was that I had not made peace with this man. We could have such volatile conversations about everything from movies to politics. I had felt whatever I did was wrong in his eyes. I loved him, but we did not get along.
My father had suffered a lot of damage to his heart, and we were told that he would be very lucky if he lived five years. That was twenty-five years ago.
I think of all the moments I have had with this man since that day.
The Saturday he picked me up from the train and I told him I had met someone really special. Dancing with him at my wedding. Watching him dance at both my sisters’ weddings.
The phone call I made when I told him his first grandchild would be a boy. Or each time he came to visit me after having all three of my babies. Times I feared I would never have with him.
There are also all the times he has come to my rescue when my sink was overflowing or one of the kids locked themselves in the bathroom.
Or the many times he has come with me to meet a new specialist to try to figure out what was wrong with my special needs daughter.
I do my best not to take a day with my dad for granted. As the years have gone by, and I have become a parent myself, I have found his help and even friendship invaluable.
And, he is a rock star to my kids.
My dad’s been on vacation in Florida for the last three weeks. Because my mother still works, they thought it would be good for him to escape the New York winter and have some fun with his cousins.
I have been watching Tom, Lizzy, and Peter count the days until his return.
Six-year-old Peter even announced this Friday that he is going to become a pilot so he can fly his brother, sister, and cousins down to Florida to visit grandpa and see the dolphins that my dad mentions each time he calls.
Thankfully my dad will be back in just a few short days. I’ve missed seeing him and knowing he is just a few blocks away.
I realize that each day we both grow older there will be a time when the distance between us will be much further than a plane ride.
I’ve made my dad promise me he won’t die. I know that he will do his best to keep that promise, but in the event that he just can’t, I’m eternally grateful that I have had the gift of knowing that I not only made peace with him, but I have gotten to really enjoy being his daughter.
It never ceases to amaze me how some of life’s most difficult challenges can turn into some of life’s greatest gifts.
one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos
Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
Wow – powerful post, you move me every week! My dad had a heart attack at 42, we should be very careful..my mom says so
We should be!! Thanks so much for dropping by and always leaving such nice comments! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. It is very scary to realize I’m just 2 years younger than my dad was! xo
What a sweet post. I am so happy for you to have had all the extra time with your dad and that you were able to go from a strained relationship to a close one. That’s really special.
Thank you for your visits and sweet comments! I really love to see your name pop up in my comments. I feel very lucky to have had the time I have, and have had with my dad! xo
well lucky you! you write as if you learned a lot more than that you were calm in a crisis! Yours ois a story with a happy ending!
When my 5th child was gravely ill in the hospital…suddenly I understood it wasn’t stuff that made me happy!!
Happy week.
Thanks so much for dropping by. I do think a serious, life threatening illness really puts life and what is really important into focus. Happy week to you too!
Oh, what a fantastic ending to your story! Sadly, when I got “the phonecall” about my father, it was too late. He had been in an awful accident, and died instantly. But then my husband had a heart attack a few years later at age 43! I’m happy to report he’s doing fine now, but it really is important not to take the ones we love for granted. you just never know. I’d give almost anything for one more day with my Dad.
-Catherine
Catherine what a story. I can’t imagine what getting a phone call like that must be like. Or having to watch your own husband have a heart attack at 43! I’m so glad he is doing well. You are so right, it is so important not to take our loved ones for granted. Thanks for another reminder that life can really turn on a dime. Thank you for sharing your powerful story.
My dad almost passed away a few years ago. He’s in his 70s, and I’m so thankful I was able to tell him I love him and enjoy these added years with him. You really don’t appreciate them until you face losing them.
You are so right. I’m glad you got to have that special time with your dad too. It really is a gift, isn’t it? xo
kathy, this post made me cry. gosh, you are so so right. i can’t agree enough. i say it all the time too. how some of the crappiest, most trying, difficult/how the heck will i ever feel better moments…do get better and sometimes turn into such amazingly rich lessons and blessings.
i’m so happy your father is alive and well and far surpassed those five years!!
what a wonderful relationship the both of you share!
wishing you a happy week <3
xoxoxo tons of love,
maria
Maria, unfortunately we usually have to go through the difficult, painful time to get to the blessing. I wish I could have the lesson without the pain, but I guess it just doesn’t work out that way!! Lol!! Thank you for always leaving the sweetest comments!! I love you to pieces!! xo
I dont know what to say. Glad it turn out okay in the end.
Thanks for dropping by!
Thanks for reminding me to take my lipitor!. What a great, but poignant story. I was 17 when my dad had a quadruple bypass. Not technically a heart attack, but major surgery. I was in the middle of finals my junior year of high school and my mom and sister didn’t lie to me, but they tried to downplay it and kept me away from the hospital till my last two tests were over. I was shocked at his state and was initially mad that my mom didn’t let me in, but at the same time understood. How great to have and appreciate these past 25 years for you. My dad still doesn’t eat well, but i’m thankful for all the time we have together and he gets to see his grandsons.
Richard it’s really scary when you think that just in these few comments three of our dads had heart problems and Catherine’s husband had a heart attack at 43! I’m really feeling old today. Take that Lipitor!! I’m so glad your dad is still around too. Thanks so much for sharing your story. And, thanks so much for dropping by!
What a touching post. Thanks for reminding us about the important things in life.
Thank you so much!
I love this. While I am by no means close to my dad I do have a wonderful step father. It is funny for years I attached myself to the main males in any of my boyfriends lives like I was looking for a father figure. Little did I know that I had a very strong one in my step father. I just some how didn’t notice or was influenced not to pay attention by my own father. I look at Todd every day and am so proud that he is becoming the type of Dad you describe!
I’m so glad you have found that relationship with your step father. It really is a gift, it’s also such a gift to our kids! Thanks so much for visiting!! xo
“I’m eternally grateful that I have had the gift of knowing that I not only made peace with him, but I have gotten to really enjoy being his daughter.” Grandparents are a blessing- and so are parents. It’s sad that it sometimes takes a tragedy to make us grateful, but how wonderful that you were gifted with so many years to fully appreciate the blessing. I loved this post! 🙂
It is sad that is sometimes takes a tragedy to make us grateful for what we have. I was very lucky to get a second chance and I’m thrilled to have gotten so many more years than I ever thought was possible!! Thanks for dropping by!
As I was reading, I was preparing myself for your Dad’s death. I’m so glad you didn’t write that! I’m especially glad that you made peace with him, because that would be really hard to live with, and you would probably be a different person today. At 23 though, who does have a peaceful relationship with their Dad, anyway!;)
I have always prepared myself for his death too Courtney!! It really has been the strangest gift, I think had he not gone through that I would have just taken it for granted that there was always the time to repair and make peace with him. As always thanks for your sweet and thoughtful comments! xo
What a beautifully written, honest, moving piece. I envy you your relationship with your father. I had none with mine.
Thank you so much for visiting and for leaving such a nice, thoughtful comment.
Wow Kathy! That was beautiful. It made me so thankful for you that you have your dad and reflect upon how thankful I am to have mine. What a lesson indeed. Its the memories of painful chaos and the unexpected blessings that comes with them, that make the calm in the storms of life that much more meaningful and valued. Wonderful post!
Thank you so much for your very kind comments! I wish I could remember the gifts that some of the most painful times have brought me when I’m actually going through them! xo
Brought tears to my eyes! Just a beautiful post and a great reminder of how fragile life can be. My Dad was got a good father when I was growing up but now I have come to terms with it and realize that life is just too short and it is better to forgive. I have younger siblings how continue to shut our father out of their lives. I fear one day they will regret that. Your post has encouraged me to reach out to my siblings again so that they may soften their hearts before it is too late.
Marisa that was my fear for myself. It can be so hard to repair that relationship and as I said in response to Courtney’s post, had my dad not had the heart attack I’m sure I would have always just assumed I had the time to make peace. Also, I really didn’t mention that he changed after the heart attack too. I think that made it even more possible. I guess we were both ready. I’m glad you have a relationship with your father. It can be such a tough relationship to repair. As always I appreciate your great and honest comments! Much love to you!! xo
Aww what a lovely story, Kathy!! I wish I could say the same for my dad: enjoying his company now.. but he passed on years ago. I’m glad you are able to share the important events in your life with your father.
Anne thank you for sharing that. It makes me even more grateful that I have him and was able to repair the relationship. Thank you. xo
You are welcome. 🙂 Really glad for you that have him around. Have an awesome weekend. Oh and I tried making the heart pancakes earlier today… I had so much fun! They weren’t perfect but it was cool to have a different looking pancake. Maybe your kids would like them too.
I would love to try them but I am the worst pancake maker ever!! I did love them though. Very impressed you did them!! Unfortunately my pancakes are always different looking!! Lol!! xo
Beautiful story! What a blessing to have so many years with your Dad. And a great reminder to me to show my appreciation to the people I love more NOW.
And I loved Peter’s plan to become a pilot–I’d like to see those dolphins too. 🙂
I want to see the dolphins too!!! Lol!! Thanks so much for your sweet comment! It is true, we really do have to show the people we have in our life that we love them today. We really don’t know what tomorrow will bring! Much love to you!! xo
Although this is a much more serious subject, it kind of goes with my most recent post about finding the good in situations and that you never know what good may come. This is a perfect example of just that. What a great story and the “beats” going from interesting, to bad, to good, to encouraging are so great. Love your personal stories like these. The one you wrote on 9/11 was just so great…you’re definitely a writer who ensures to not be forgotten by creating such memorable mini stories.
Thanks for such nice compliments!! I loved your piece on finding the good in situations. I’m a much calmer and happier person when I can do that. I just have to remind myself. Laughing helps, and since your posts always make me laugh, I visit often! Thanks again!
Oh how beautiful. My heart felt with you the anxiety of the not knowing and yet you’re inner strength carried you through. Thankful your daddy’s still in your life creating memories!
Shannon it’s so nice to see your smile! I’ve missed you! Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful words. Much love to you!!
What a beautiful post! Powerful and touching.
Thanks so much friend!! xo
This is so incredibly true. But it often makes me sad knowing that we sometimes have to get hit hard before we can fix or appreciate things. I’m glad that this turned out so well for you, your dad, and the rest of the family! What a blessing!
Diane, it makes me sad as well that I never seem to appreciate what I have till I’m smacked in the face. I’m working on really focusing on what is good in my life, and their is much, rather than on what feels like it’s not working. Thank you for your kind words. I’ve been very blessed.
this is such a touching and beautiful post…my dad has had multiple heart attacks, and you’re right, sometimes the hardest things can teach you to appreciate people more and not to take them for granted.
Rachel it’s so scary to think how many of us, just in this small group of comments, have gone through this with the men in our lives. Heart disease is so scary and one thing that I just don’t think of nearly enough. Reading all of these posts is a bit of a wake up call for me. I really need to take care of myself!! Something moms, or at least this mom, is not always very good at. Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences with this.
Ugh…I’m a crying mess right now, Kathy. Thanks a lot! Lol! I don’t know why but this post really struck a chord with me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been talking to my dad a lot lately about death as his cousin was recently diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. Or maybe it’s because my own husband spent two weeks in ICU at Cedars Sinai hospital (ya know where all the stars go? Hehehe) while the doctors told us he needed a heart transplant and would be lucky to live much longer. That was over 10 years ago. He’s still here. But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t worry myself sick over his heart health and I always make him promise me he won’t die. Like your dad, my husband swears he will never die. Somehow I think there will be a day when God reminds him just who’s in charge. But I pray that day won’t be for years to come. Thank you for this touching post. I’m so happy your dad survived his heart attack and has had years of time to spend with you and his beautiful grandchildren. 🙂
Love you,
~Rosann
Rosann I can’t imagine what if must be like to go through this with your own husband. Catherine mentioned going through this too. How terrifying!! I think it’s great that it’s been 10 years for your husband.
Yea, I have a feeling there will be a time my dad won’t be able to keep his promise to me, but I’m very grateful for the second chance! Thank you so much for sharing your experience dear friend!! Much love to you!!
What a great and moving post! I’m lucky that my dad has always had great health, but my mom died of cancer when my oldest was 9 days old. It’s great that you have been able to improve your relationship with your dad, it sounds like you have a great relationship now!
I can’t even begin to imagine what loosing your mom when your own child was only 9 days must have been like. There are just some things we can never be prepared for. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story. We really never do know what life is going to bring and your experience just drives home once more how precious each day is. Thank you.
Oh, that must have been a scare for the whole family. When anyone has a serious illness or accident, you immediately hope for the best and pray, pray, pray. But in the end is the family ties that really move you out from this moment of desperation. Thanks for sharing such a moving post.
Barbra you are so right that it is our family ties that move us out from the moments of desperation. I’m very grateful that I have had all these years with my dad! Thanks for your wonderful comments!! Much love to you friend!!
Wow this was incredible Kathy! I’m in tears but I have a smile on my face. What a beautiful lesson to help you be thankful for your Dad. I’m sure he’s SO PROUD of the amazing mother you have become. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story!
Katherine thank you so much!! Much love to you!! xo
That is so sweet and I am so happy for you. As a child of a rotten father whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in 5 years, I can only tell that although I don’t understand, I’m thankful for those like you who know how to appreciate the family and friends in their lives.
God bless you, your dad and your entire famiy
Thank you dear friend for your kind words. I’m very sorry you have had to endure a painful relationship with your father. Much love to you!!
I am sitting hear with tears running down my face. I lost my dad many years ago and he was my hero, my best friend, my biggest champion and the kindest soul I have ever known. He never got to meet his grandchildren but the gifts he gave me in terms of showing me what means to be the best parent I can be, are truly priceless.
Your post is such a gift to your father. His heart, however damaged it may be must be filled with love and pride for the woman you have become.
Thank you for sharing something so intimate.
Pam thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. But I’m very glad you had the gift of a great relationship with your dad when he was here. Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope that he is proud. I think he is! Thanks again!! xo
This is a beautiful post. I’m so glad things worked out.
My dad has had four heart surgeries and every time it’s so terrifying. I would be devastated if he had died when I was younger 🙁
Thanks so much for visiting! The surgeries must be tough, we went through one of them with my dad after the heart attack, we also went through brain surgery with him, but that’s a whole other post!! Lol!! Thanks again!!
Oh Kathy! This one made me cry! Just 9 months ago, I sat waiting by the phone while my father was in for heart surgery. He has a very serious case of atrial fibulation and things were not looking so great. Today, his heart is beating in perfect rhythm thanks to that scary surgery and I never take him for granted. I am so glad that you received that second chance with your father! Relationships and hearts are both so fragile. Every second is a gift.
Jenneifer I’m so glad you got more time with your dad too!! And, that he is around to enjoy your latest angel!! You are so right, hearts and relationships are so fragile and precious. It is always a good reminder to take care of both! Much love to you!!
This is such an amazing post! I am so glad you have had this time with your dad. The relationship changed in such wonderful ways after his heart attack.
Thank you so much! It really was it’s own kind of miracle!! Thanks for visiting!!
Kathy,
Your post hit so close to my heart (punny)…but it really did. What an amazing blessing to have that second chance. You are also amazing to not let this second chance waste. That’s so cute that Peter wants to be a pilot so he can take everyone to visit Grandpa!
My dad loved that Peter wanted to be a pilot and fly everyone to him! He came home on Tuesday night so everyone is very happy! Thank you so much for your lovely words!! I was very lucky, I really don’t know what I would have done without him all these years! Much love!! xo
Now we just need Peter to fly you out here!
You are so right – the most intense moments are often the most significant. Don’t let these precious times pass you by. They are what life is all about! The little things that become the big things! Very nice post. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for dropping by!!
This is such a powerful post. In a way I can relate. My dad had colon cancer. It wasn’t until years after he recovered that we really became close 😉
Elisabeth, it is a gift isn’t it? It’s horrible to go through it but it is a blessing to get a second chance!! Thanks my friend!!
Wow, what a blessed story that was! I am so thankful you shared it! Sometimes the nitty-gritty of my daily life gets to me and I go crazy thinking about the carpet I’ll have to re-clean for the tenth time this month, or the clothes, or the dishes, or the windows, etc. etc. But what really matters is, how are the kids doing? Do they know I love them? Are they happy? Do we smile, talk, laugh and dance enough together? I can tell you I will not care later on in life whether or not the house was tidy or a mess, but I will care whether or not we were/are a happy family, and I don’t want to miss it before it’s too late!
Ang I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day living of life! I feel the same way I don’t want to miss anything either. Thank you so much for your lovely comments! Sending much love!
Amazing story! I am so glad you guys made up and created a warm, loving, friendly relationship! I figured you were going to tie this into the whole heart health month thing, but I see no mention. Still, a timely post and a reminder to 1)take care of our hearts and 2) not take our loved ones for granted. Thanks for sharing, Kathy!
Michele it would have been good to tie it into heart health month but that would have taken brain cells I no longer have!! Lol!! Thanks so much for the great visit!! xo
Wow, I just got goosebumps reading your article
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you coming by!
Loved this post! How poignant.
Thanks so much for your visit and sweet comments!!
What a wonderful post… i so can relate and know how you felt… it is so sad and scary just how quickly our lives change… you got very lucky, and so did your dad…. Ihad a very similar experience when I was 14, but sadly, it didn’t have a happy ending… while I don’t know your dad, can you please give him a hug for me
Hillary thank you for sharing your experience. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to be so young and have to go through that. I will most certainly give my dad a hug from you!! Much love my friend! xo
Only with the gift of time and wisdom can we come to appreciate such an important lesson in life…that challenges can be and truly are gifts. This is so touching Kathy and thank you for this gentle reminder that every moment with loved ones are precious and should not be taken for granted…ever.
Joy you are right, time is a great healer and lesson teacher. It is a gift too! I’m grateful that I did get the chance to heal the relationship, I know way too many people who weren’t as fortunate. I wish I could remember the lesson each day. With my dad I try to make a point, but I can get way to lazy dealing with other loved ones and the truth is we just never, ever know. Thanks!! xo
You’re story is a blessing to read. I wish I could say I related on even having a father but I never had one.
I’m really happy that you still have your dad though.
Thanks Michelle. I was very fortunate to get the second chance. Thanks so much for dropping by!! xo
Aw Kathy, this hit really close to home with me. My dad’s been really sick and it’s been so awful seeing him this way. I’ve worked with him for the past 7 years and I am so grateful for these last 7 years. We’ve grown so close and he’s seen me get married and raise two kids… I’m so glad we’ve had this time. I’m so thankful for my parents. Beautiful post and so happy you found peace with your dad. I bet it means the world to him. xo
Becky my thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad. It’s just such a hard thing to go through. As much as I’m grateful for all the time I have gotten, I still feel like a brat because I just don’t want him to leave! He really changed after the heart attack too, I don’t know if we would have gotten as close if we both hadn’t changed. Thanks again!! Much love to you!! xo
Dear Kathy, I loved your blog – it was so poignant and almost made me cry! I am fairly new to blogging, and have been looking for other blogs to get the perspective of an expert, and you are an expert and a very good writer. My blog is also the “story” type, I write about being a mom to a teenage daughter, and a wife and the joys of coping with middle age! We also have something else in common, Northport. If you are talking about Northport on Long Island – my husband grew up there! Such a beautiful town! I signed up to follow you, feel free to follow me back:http://lisagradessweinstein.blogspot.com/
Thanks so much for the visit. I have only been blogging for a year now and had no experience at all. That is so funny about your husband coming from Northport. Yes, it is the same Northport I’m talking about. I’m going to visit you now! If you haven’t already think about joining voiceBoks.com (I have their button on my sidebar) I have learned so much from the great bloggers there and have made some wonderful friendships. There are no fees, and I don’t get anything for referring you. I just really like it!
Oh wow- so so happy he made it. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. You are lucky you get to live close to him.
Thanks so much! I was very lucky! Thanks so much for the visit!!
What a great story–thank you for sharing it!
Thank you so much for visiting and your kind words!!
Like so many before me on this thread, my dad had a heart attack when I was in high school, and he was 35. It was terrible scary. Since then he’s had stints put in, and let me say, hospitals are so depressing! As we get older, the reality of mortality is so acute. But your dad promised never to leave you, so you’re good. Beautiful piece m’lady. xo