That Which Does Not Kill Us…

I’ve found in my 47 years on this earth that I’m so much stronger and capable than I ever thought.

I thought I’d die of a broken heart the day I had my first miscarriage 16 years ago. But I didn’t.

Three months later, when I miscarried again, the pain was so intense I wondered how I would go on. I did.

Two more miscarriages, fertility tests, and talk about us never having a child were so painful, I wondered what I ever did to deserve this.

But, each day I got up and went on.

A little more than two years after my first miscarriage, we welcomed our first child into the world.

I went through the storm and came out stronger and happier in the end.

LIfe was good.

Two years later found me pregnant with our second baby. We had just closed on our house and my husband was painting the bedrooms in our new home so we could move in the next week.

The bursting of the dot com bubble and a huge layoff meant that our biggest fear had come true. We had a new house, a two year old and I was only half way through a very complicated pregnancy. And my husband had no job.

I had days when I wondered if I would survive, but I did.

My husband got some freelance work, we still had some savings, and by the time our baby daughter was six weeks old my husband had found a new job.

When my daughter was two I found myself sitting at my kitchen table getting the results from her recent MRI.

I prayed the earth would just swallow me up as the doctor started to explain the results of her test. The damage to her brain was severe. Horrendous syndromes with horrible outcomes were being listed as possible causes.  

Surely this would end me.

But it didn’t.

It’s not always easy, but Lizzy is still very much with us. We may not have a name for the disorder that wreaks so much havoc on her or know what the future may hold, but we have our daughter.

We even got a bonus baby. Peter was born three years after Lizzy. We got our dream of three children and I felt very fortunate and blessed.

I may be heavier than I ever thought I would be, but I have survived and even thrived under the pressures of life. I feel strong and really capable of dealing with everything.

But then I got a call on Thursday night that really had me questioning just how much I could really take.

It seemed the nursing home my father-in-law is in, because he recently broke his hip, wanted to release him in the next two weeks. He was not ready, and would not be able to go home. He was going to need to stay somewhere.

The options seemed very limited.

The question was posed, can Kathy do it?

I knew I wanted to. I adore my father-in-law and would do anything for him. But, could I really take care of my three kids with a husband who leaves for work around six in the morning and comes home around nine, deal with all the issues Lizzy has, continue to build a business and take care of my father-in-law?

I had my doubts.

I even lost it a bit.

“Joe, I’m not a saint, I’m just a person, I don’t know if I can do this.”

He agreed. This was huge. We were going to have to think about it.  I was going to have to think about it.

I called my mom. We went over the logistics of my house and what room my father-in-law would be comfortable in. I thought about it. I could do it.

I was nervous. But I felt that if anyone could figure this out, I could.

I felt strong. Even capable. Imagine that?

How did that happen? How did the girl who thought she couldn’t do anything all of sudden feel like she could figure anything out.

I realized this weekend that all the things I thought I could never survive did not kill me. In fact, it made me that much stronger. Life was that much more precious. My knee-jerk reaction of “I can’t do this” has become, “yes I can.”

As it turned out, it looks like we found a much better option for my dear father-in-law. One that will work much better for everyone, especially him.

But it was great to feel like I could be there for someone who meant so much to me.

The lessons that I thought would end me did anything but. I feel like I have just started.

And for today, it feels good.