My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

Sweet 15: Dealing With a Teenage Special Needs Child

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“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I heard my soon to be 15-year-old daughter sing my praises from the back seat of our mini-van as I pulled into our driveway the other day.

“Well, you know Liz, I’m not that fond of you right now either.” The car was now safely parked, and I heard the swish of her door open.

“I hate you, and that’s all there is to it.”

My dear daughter said this in a voice loud enough for our neighbor across the street to hear as she pulled up her trash can. She looked up and I gave a pitiful wave and then through clenched teeth told my daughter to get her butt into the house. This minute.

After having gone through this delightful age with her brother three years before, I’m well aware that sometime, on or around their 15th birthday, children are abducted by aliens and replaced by people no parent could possibly have had any part in raising. This isn’t my first time around the teen raising block.

I just didn’t think I would have to deal with this with Lizzy.

My daughter has had to deal with a variety of special needs stemming from a brain disorder. Despite five MRIs and a visits to a host of medical specialists, her condition has never been named. But it wreaks havoc on every aspect of her development. She attends a special needs school and cognitively has more in common with a child of three or four than the 5’8” teen that towers over me.

In fact the reason why we were home without my two sons was because she had decided that emptying out a full bottle of hand soap and decorating my parents downstairs bathroom with soap suds was a good idea.

I’m not going to say they kicked her out of their house, but our leaving wasn’t seen as a tragedy either. Since my sons were in the middle of watching a movie with my dad, it was decided that they would stay, and I would take the soap artist home with me.

Lizzy continued to protest her banishment as she went into her room and started to blast the heavy metal music she now prefers to one of the Disney Princess soundtracks she used to love to the exclusion of everything else just a few months ago.

“Elizabeth Maria we are home because of what you did to grandma’s bathroom. Do you understand that?”

With that the bratty teen disappeared, and she started to sob loudly. Then she began to talk in the disconnected way she usually does. But she ended her word salad by asking me if I still loved her.

My heart breaks for her. But I’m at a loss as to how to deal with this new Lizzy. One minute she is a sweet girl that I have to help with everything from changing her clothes to brushing her teeth, the next she is a teen telling her brothers she doesn’t give a f***** damn.

Once again I’m left feeling I have a job that is way beyond my pay grade. Motherhood is a tough job in the best of circumstances, but add special needs to the mix and I’m left feeling like a failure.

Yet I must admit, that even in the darkest moments with Lizzy I have to take solace in the fact that she is growing up. She does want more than being a little girl who loves princess crowns and Barbies. She wants to spread her wings and try out the things that typical girls her age do. I just don’t know how to do that. How do I let her go as far as she can yet keep her safe?

I feel outmatched and over my head.

I guess in some ways that makes me like every other mother to a teenage girl. And there’s something beautiful about that.

Comments

  2. Andrea Brovetto says

    Great post Kathy! You are not a failure as a Mom! It’s nit easy bringing up any child thru those years! The good news is Lizzy will survive and so will you!
    I did and so did you’ just be patient,
    Loving and Strong! You are and you can do this! Love Mom!

  3. Jennifer says

    Love you, Kathy. The only thing I know for sure about parenting is that being consistent and giving them a soft place to land usually works. You’re amazing- you can do this!

  5. jane do says

    Omg. You like completely outlined my life. I loved your article! I have a 13 yr. old with Autism and an Autoimmune Brain Disease. He says these things your daughter does, misbehaves, then when he is in trouble gets super upset and angry, defiant, etc. When it’s all over he comes to me asking if I still love him. Of course I do. It’s hard to see them struggle and deal with the mean things they say, and then they become like little puppy dogs afterwards. I have another son without Autism but with the same autoimmune condition and he is starting to have friends and learn to navigate social life. I feel like I am in way over my head all the time. I tell my husband I am not cut out to do this. But really, who of us with special needs kids and teens are? We just have to keep going each day and do the best we can.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Jane I teared up reading your comment because it’s so nice to know I”m not alone. But yes, I feel so over my head!! Though, I try to remind myself I felt over my head when my typical son went through the same stage. But it’s different. Thanks you so much for commenting!!! Lots of love to you! xo

  6. Laura Newman says

    I can so relate. I have a 14 year old with autism. His screaming “fits” can go on for over an hour. I’m told I’m the worst mother in the world and that I should go kill myself. He’s a very sweet, loving boy. The mood swings or puberty are very hard on him. I don’t know if it’s any easier on me.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      It really is so hard! One minute I’m dealing with a child who really is more like a three or four year old and the next I’m being told she hates me. Though I must say, those phrases are always said so perfectly! Lol! I try to laugh about it, but really, it’s hard. And you are so right, it’s hard for them too. Thanks so much for commenting, it’s nice to know I’m not alone! xo

  7. Lele says

    Dear Kathy,

    You are definitely not alone!!! I have a 15 year old special needs daughter who often blurts out things that are hurtful. It is so hard parenting a special needs teenager. My daughter is coming to terms that she is different and wants to be “normal” (whatever that is!) like every other kid at her school. I so can relate to your daughter-one minute she loves kiddie things and the next, she is acting just like a teenager. It’s going to be okay you know. I struggle with letting my baby go and have a hard time in doing so. We know the dangers that lurk and the opportunities that others will divulge in towards taking advantage of our kids because our kids are too kind, loving, sweet and trusting of others. I recently got my kid into gen ed classes as the behaviors in a special day class were too much to handle. There are pros and cons to the above, but I see the changes of being more positive. My daughter is talking about doing independent things like wanting to get a job, go to college and hanging out at the mall. From one special needs parent to another, you are not a failure-you are doing just fine. I often feel this way too!!! Just try to find a balance and give you and your baby 5 minute time-outs!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you so much for commenting!! It is so hard!!! I think it’s wonderful that your daughter is expressing her desire to do more for herself. This year Lizzy is in a program at her school where they go to a job each week, at Applebees, and then every 3 weeks they do “travel Training” where they take a bus (with all their teachers, aides and a speech therapist!), they go shopping and out to lunch. I think she really loves going out without my husband and I on top of her. Even though she has a teacher or aide watching her every move (the need to, her functioning is very spotty) it’s not the same as having mom and dad! Thanks again for reaching out. xoxo

  11. Kristi Campbell says

    Love to you, Kathy. My step daughter lived with us while in high school and OMG the mood swings and drama! I agree with you saying that there is something beautiful about the fact that Lizzy is challenging you this way… also? I know it’s a pain in the @$$ but soap bubbles ARE fun… 😉

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Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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