Today has been one of those days where I questioned every decision I ever made.
It’s been a day where I felt as if I had to answer one more question from any of the people who live with me, I’d snap.
Today being a mom to three, wife to one, and the owner of a possessed kitchen appliance doesn’t feel as great as it usually does. I’m tempted to just run as far away as possible and leave no return address.
Of course I don’t.
It’s not just because of the promise I made to my husband and my children that I would be here in good times and bad. Or because I know wherever I would go my family would find me.
No I survive “these days” because I remember what it was like before I was a wife to one, mom of three, and owner of a possessed kitchen appliance.
I remember what it was like to be profoundly lonely and feeling I’d never meet a man who really understood me for all my wonderful, complicated messiness.
And I remember the day I met Joe and found out that in fact there was someone who not only understood the real me, but actually liked me, just the way that I was.
I didn’t have to wear the “right” clothes, or act the “right” way. I just had to be me, and for once in my life that was enough.
I remember desperately wanting to be a mother while suffering miscarriage after miscarriage and wondering why I couldn’t have the one thing in life I so wanted. Then I remember the day I held my first son and knew that my prayers were answered.
I remember being so sad that we couldn’t get pregnant again. There I was on a midtown street crying in Joe’s arms because my tests had shown that my hormone levels were extremely low. There was little chance of me being pregnant this time, and it was really looking as if a second child wasn’t possible.
A year later I was holding my daughter in my arms and not quite believing that I was now the mom of a boy and a girl.
A few more years passed, and I was a little blue the day I bought “big girl” wallpaper for Lizzy because it meant my days of mothering babies were over. I gave away baby clothes, bedding, and other items we no longer needed. Three weeks after that rite of passage, I was shocked when I saw a positive pregnancy test staring back at me and relieved I didn’t give away my cradle.
When Peter was born, Tom and Lizzy visited us in the hospital and were so excited to meet their new brother.
I know in my heart that the best days I had before I knew the four most important people in my life can’t even hold a candle to my worst day being a wife and mom.
Some days I just need to remember.
What a beautiful reminder! Thank you!
“I know in my heart that the best days I had before I knew the four most important people in my life can’t even hold a candle to my worst day being a wife and mom.”
Oh yes! I think I get frustrated when I compare real life with some sort of imagined life that real children and husbands can’t actually live up to. But I’d take my current life over no-husband-no-kids any day!
Robin at OurOwnFlavor recently posted…We Had an Uninterrupted Conversation
Robin totally!!! When I am having one of “those days” I am comparing my family to an imaginary one that doesn’t exist. Thanks so much! xo
Kathy, you truly said this quite beautifully and perfectly as yes as much as I love both Kevin and my girls sometimes I also have those day and need to remember, as well. Trust me you aren’t alone in the least and just glad we do get reminded and don’t forget when we have those days.
Janine Huldie recently posted…Is Your Kid Addicted to The iPad?
Thank you so much sweet friend! xoxo
Life is so full of those ups and downs, but when it all comes down to it, we’d give our lives for our little cherubs…even if their bedroom look like it was hit by a blizzard!
Lisa you are so right!!! Some days it’s easier to remember than others! Lol! xoxo
This is lovely. I’ve been struggling with these feelings and this was like a warm fuzzy blanket.
michelle recently posted…Another Perk Of The Menopausal Years
Michelle thanks! It’s such a crummy feeling, hope yours passes quicly! xoxoxo
Kathy, we all have those days! You are right, though, event he worst ones are better that the “alone” ones. Hugs to you!
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted…Dear Daughters, I Remember
Lisa it can be so hard!!! But there is a real blessing when we are able to look at the good things, I just have to remember to do it! Lol! xoxo
Lovely, Kathy. And…..I’ve been there with you, more times than I can count. I love your blog, you’re so honest and true in your writing. xo
Claudia Schmidt recently posted…My 5 Year Remission Day
Thank you so much Claudia!!!! xoxo
So very well put, I feel that way often that if someone asks me just one more question I might snap.
Julia recently posted…Anatomy of a Snow Day
Julia I really thought I was going to lose it, I finally put myself in my room and told my husband I was not in the best place!! Lol! Thanks so much! xoxo
This made me tear up, Kathy. We all have those days and we all have the right to feel the weight of those days but I love your gratitude and awareness of how lucky you are, despite the nature of the day. Beautiful.
Shannon recently posted…Marriage Isn’t Safe
Thank you so much Shannon. I found myself crying while I was writing it, which was good since it made me feel better! Lol! I do think gratitude is so important, but it’s not always easy to find it. xoxo
Oh absolutely. I get down so often, this was a lovely reminder. Thank you.
Stephanie recently posted…Five things that prove kids attention spans are just fine.
Stephanie it’s such a crummy feeling and one that is not always easy to talk about. I must say that when I wrote the piece it really was the only thing that lifted my mood and I think it’s because I forget how much I really love my family. The stress and grind can really get to all of us! xoxo
Kathy what I love about your writings is how open and honest you are. We’ve all felt the way you do from time to time but most of us are not willing to share it out loud. Thank you!
[email protected] recently posted…4 Skinny Meatloaf Recipes Everyone will Love!
Thank you Nancy. I know it helps me when others share about the less than perfect days and also how they get out of them. I have to say that I felt so much better after I wrote this piece!! Lol! xoxo
Great piece. I think we could all use that reminder sometimes.
Mary Widdicks recently posted…Embracing the Imperfection
Thanks Mary! Some days are harder than other! xoxo
Love this Kathy. It just goes to show you doctors don’t know everything. I was told the same thing and found myself pregnant at 45 years old!
Debbie it is really amazing isn’t it? Thank you! xox
It gets rough but I agree. We really can’t imagine our lives any other way and won’t trade what we have (even the messes and stresses) for a quieter, more boring, less loved life. Hope things are looking up now, Kathy!
Joy recently posted…The Night an Angel Came to Bowl
Thank you! Yes fortunately I got out of my funk. I must say that writing this post really helped! xo
Oh, my heart just ached for you again and again! We all have DAYS. Those days when we need to remember those TIMES. Thank you for the reminder to focus on yesterday only as a means of better appreciating today.
Maureen Wallace recently posted…The horror of discovering Mommy instead of Daddy
Thank you so much Maureen! Actually writing the post really made me feel so much better. And you are so right, sometimes we do have think about yesterday in order to appreciate what we have today! 🙂
I’ve had a few too any of these days the last few weeks. I was seriously considering taking a job in the evenings to escape my kids and the stress..despite the fact that I already have one full time job and am attending school full time. I NEEDED to read these words. Thank you for helping me remember!
Robbie recently posted…Stream of Consciousness: Tired
Thank you!!!!! It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one!!! 🙂
So sweet. 🙂 Sometimes we do need to simply pause and remember.
Thank you! It really helped me get out of my funk!
I am new to your blog, but know that some days just SUCK! Even on days when you would like to market the children to the gypsies deep down we still want them. I have discovered a fave saying recently, “Keep your chin up, otherwise you are just staring at your boobs all day”.
sending a hug!
Thanks!! And I love that saying! 🙂