The kids finally had their baths and were watching a movie. The craziness of the day was settling down. I knew this would be the best time to call Jill.
It was 7:30 on a school night, surely she would be home. I missed speaking with her. Aside from a few brief “hellos,” “life is crazy right now,” and “call you back,” we hadn’t had a real conversation in about six months.
After eight years of friendship, I was confident in our relationship, but worried about her. She was going through a tough time after her dad was diagnosed with cancer. She had also taken on a full caseload as a speech therapist now that her youngest was in school full time.
Our relationship was formed on the playground of new motherhood. We had met when our first children were babies. We had seen each other through potty training, sleep deprivation, second and third babies, the toddler years, first days of kindergarten, speech and learning delays, trips to the ER, and moves to new, bigger homes.
We could spend hours on the phone talking about the latest TV show, political scandal, or parenting problem, usually while we cleaned a floor or cooked dinner.
Husbands, parents, siblings, and children could drive us crazy at times, but we had each other to vent to and laugh with.
As the years went by and our kids got older, our lives had morphed into the craziness of moms with school-age children complete with set schedules and tons of activities. The days of leisurely chatting on the phone when we were cleaning our kitchens, or the visits where she would come in the morning and leave after dinner had ended.
It would have been easy for me to let the friendship just slip into a yearly date on our birthdays and maybe a Christmas card. That was my typical MO with old girlfriends.
Jill knew this of me and the few times we had managed to speak over the last few months, she had specifically asked me to hang in there with her.
So I had.
I was looking forward to hearing her voice and hoping that we could finally catch up with each other.
“Hello.”
“Oh. Hi Dave. How are you doing?”
“Great Kathy. How are you, Joe, and the kids?”
“Great, busy as always, but great. How’s everyone by you?”
“Doing well.”
“Great. Is Jill around?”
“No. She’s out with some of her friends.”
“Oh that’s great. I’m glad she’s getting a chance to go out. How is she doing?”
“She’s doing really well.”
All of a sudden a charge went through my body. My heart sank and I felt as if I was going to throw up.
Something about the way Dave had said she was doing well let me know that all my unreturned phone calls, the quick greetings, and the explanations that she had to run but would call me right back, had nothing to do with her increased hours at work, her dad, or anything else.
It was me.
I felt like the biggest fool in the history of fools. Sort of like the wife who thinks she is happily married only to find out her husband has been cheating on her. And everyone knew before she did.
I said a half-hearted goodbye and a quick, “great, let her know I called,” and hung up the phone.
I felt sick and deeply hurt. I was also confused.
Jill and I could talk about anything. Or at least I thought we could.
We had both made frantic calls at all hours of the day and night to each other when we needed someone to listen to our fears about our kids or to complain about our husbands. We went to each other’s kids’ birthday parties, christenings and communions. I knew her brothers, parents, and childhood friends. We had even spoken about naming each other as the guardians for our kids.
If she didn’t want to continue our friendship, why didn’t she just let it die a natural death? I was OK with that.
She was the one who asked me on more than one occasion to keep calling and not give up on her.
We didn’t have a fight. Not even a heated argument.
I must have done something to hurt her, but I was totally at a loss as to what it was.
I started going through everything I could have possibly done wrong. I talked too much. I was too self involved. My life was too crazy. I was too needy.
The next day I expected to hear from Jill.
I didn’t.
A few days later I called and left a message apologizing for anything I may have done that hurt her. I also thanked her for all the support she’d given me throughout the years.
And that was that. I never heard from her again. That was six years ago.
It took a while for the wound to heal. Perhaps because I had to talk about it in order to move on, but embarrassment made it harder.
Who gets dumped by a friend? I mean really, really dumped. Isn’t that type of breakup reserved for romantic relationships?
The funny thing is, the more I started to open up about it, the more I learned that I wasn’t alone. Almost everyone I told had a similar story in their past. I wasn’t the only woman who had her heart broken by a platonic friend.
Now that so much time has passed, I can look back on our relationship without feeling sad, or ashamed at the way it ended. Jill was present for so many of my children’s firsts and was there for me at a time when I really needed a trusted friend. And for that I will always be grateful.
Editor’s note: Names and some details have been changed.
I hear you. I’ve had my share of friends lost through time or circumstance. I guess many just run their course, on one side or both. but it’s always sad to lose a friend, no matter how far apart you’ve grown. there was something that connected you, memories and times shared… ending are never easy.
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Yes! I am totally use to friendships fading, I think what through me this time was that I was dumped! Lol! As they say time heals everything, and in this case it is true, but at the time it was very painful! Thanks! xo
Definitely a story I can relate to! From years of dealing with a high maintenance friend to realizing why I had lost touch with someone I reconnected to on facebook – when a friendship dissolves and there’s no closure, it can tear you apart. At the same time, it’s incredibly difficult to explain to your significant other or anyone else! You feel like you’re an enigma and you wonder what’s wrong with you. Very well put – thanks for sharing!
Exactly, the lack of closure was what was so painful. Also the realization that I must have really hurt a friend and never had a chance to make amends for it or know what I did. xo
Aww, Kathy trust me I have been there and just so sorry you had to go through this with Jill. Just know you are a wonderful women and I, for one, am happy and proud to call you my friend! 😉
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You are so sweet!! And I am so glad to be friends with you as well!! I have to say that now so much time as passed it isn’t painful, but at the time it really was! Thanks sweet friend! xo
I am still mourning the loss of an important friendship. I miss her still. I went back and for months, wondered what I did?
Blessings to you-we’ve all been there 🙂
Mytwicebakedpotato recently posted…Bring On The Holiday Weekends
Yes, I think that really is what is so hard, you go over everything you ever did and wonder what it was that caused the break. For me knowing that other women went through the same thing really helped me to heal. Thanks for sharing your experience! xo
What a story and so brave of you to share it Kathy. All I can say is we can’t control another person and sometimes even attempt to understand their actions. What I do know is you are an amazing person and friend. I’m so grateful and happy to have you in my life. And I’m NOT going to disappear, ever! xoxo
You better not disappear!!! Lol! xoxo Love you sweet friend!
I’ve always found it curious how friendships ebb and flow through different phases of my life. I guess we just need to be thankful for the time we had together and the lessons learned from the friendship. Thanks for the reminder.
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You are so right Jennifer, being grateful for the friendship we had helps the healing I think. Friendship between women can be so intimate, perhaps it isn’t always possible to maintain that with all the other relationships we have in our lives. It’s very interesting! xo
Kathy – I am so so sorry about the loss of your friendship…I’m glad you were able to write about it. I am sure it was therapeutic for me. Sending love! Lisa
Thanks Lisa. I think because so much time has passed and it no longer hurts is the reason why I was able to write about it now. I know I couldn’t have written about it when I was actually going through it. xo
I am so sorry Kathy. I have only had it happen once, and it was awful. Just so sad. But I think the perspective of realizing that perhaps that person was meant to be in your life for a certain period of time, but not forever is a good one to have.-Ashley
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Thanks so much sweet friend! Time really heals a lot, but it took a while. It was really hard to talk about for the longest time, I know I couldn’t have written about it sooner. But you are right, their is a beauty to realizing that some people are in our lives for only a certain amount of time. xoxo
First, I want to give you a great big HUG, because I know that even though it was 6 years ago, it probably still hurts at least a little. You’re right, you’re not alone. And somehow it’s the friendships that end that are more puzzling than romantic relationships that do. You expect those to not last (aside from your spouse, of course). You expect your friends, however, to be there forever, though thick and thin, for everything. And sometimes, they’re just not. I’ve had a few of these break-ups and they don’t get any easier. I feel for you. I think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing this.
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Thank you so much Carrie! The only time I get a tinge of pain is when my oldest son will mention something we did with them and then I will think about her kids and how big they are and wonder how they are doing. Because when we lose a really good friend we lose more than just them, we lose their kids and spouses and families too!
I think you really hit the nail on the head with why friend break ups can be harder than romantic ones. You are right, there is an expectation that boyfriends may go, but our girlfriends will always be with us! Actually my break up with Jill was really the worst break up I ever had, romantic or otherwise. And it was my husband who was the one person I could talk about it with, at least at first. But I think a guy can’t really understand. He was mad that Jill did that to me and was mad that I felt I needed to apologize to her. I guess men see relationships differently. xoxoxo
Hi Kathy:
Thanks for sharing this You are not alone!!!
I read, and enjoyed, the book: My Other Ex: True Stories of and Leaving Friends. A few of our Midlife Boulevard/Erma Bombeck attendee FB friends are contributors.
It feels awful to have to explain to a casual acquaintance when asked, “Hey, how’s X- you guys are so close…”
Lack of closure is always tough as well. I don’t a piece in the above book (so I’m not straight up shilling), and I can honestly say I got a lot out of it. I think you might like it too.
Lucia
Lucia thank you for bringing up Jessica and Stephanie’s book, My Other Ex, you are right, that book deals with a lot of the feelings I expressed in this piece.
And you are so right, it does feel awful to explain to an acquaintance why someone who was so important in your life is no longer a part of your life and you have no reason why. I actually found it really humiliating and was afraid to mention it to my newer friends. It wasn’t till I admitted it to my therapist that I started to realize I was not alone. She had told me that a similar thing that happened to her. Thanks so much! xo
My BFF from high school (2x maid of honor) stopped talking to me about 5 years after I got married to my husband. I have no idea why. To this day, it bugs me – but i know she must have had a reason.
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Wow Sharon, how painful!!!! It is baffling how someone can just cut us out of their lives without even a word as to why. Like you said about your friend, I’m sure Jill had a reason why she dumped me, I just wish I knew what it was, so I could at least apologize for it! Thanks for sharing your experience! xo
We all feel your pain. Aren’t you glad you began opening up? I lost a friend who wanted to surprise my son with a puppy. Our family already had two pets and when I politely declined, that was that. Very shocking to me that years of friendship that extended to our children and that criss-crossed state lines just ended without much fanfare.
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I am so glad I started to talk up and am so glad I shared this here! I have been so touched and really relieved to hear so many others who experienced a similar friend break-up. I guess we never know what might be the turning point for some people, or why they decide they can no longer have us in their lives. Thanks for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it! xo
Reading this was like scratching an old wound (not to sound insulting–this was honest and brave). My best friend moved to Oklahoma 9 years ago and 6 months after she moved, she dumped me. It was more painful than any romantic breakup I’ve ever endured and I still miss her. She didn’t give a reason. It just was.
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It is the strangest thing isn’t it? I have to say that I really went over everything I ever said to her to figure out what I did wrong. Much more than I ever did over the break-up of a boyfriend. I’m sorry I brought up an old wound, but I am so glad you shared this here. I have to say that I was really shocked when I started to talk about it how many women shared similar stories. xo
Interesting how some friendships end. I have had the same thing happen to me twice in the past 15 years. One was a childhood friend. I had the same reaction, to leave a message apologizing for whatever I had done wrong unintentionally. However, I could not think of a single thing that I could have possibly done to cause a rift. Though I was initially offended, I don’t see how either of the two would fit into my life today. I still can’t imagine not being woman enough to own up to how I was feeling and instead ignore calls, texts, or e-mails. Life is too short to spend it with people you’d rather not around, doing things you don’t want to do. I wish them well.
Shannon I too feel that if she was to reenter my life, I would not really be able to go back. Time is a wonderful healer and we do move on and hopefully grow. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am sorry you had to go through it too. xo
This post was the first I’ve read from you but if your other posts are like this one, I’ll be a regular reader! I’m writing to throw out the idea that maybe it wasn’t something you did but an issue she was/is having. Sadly, I’ve been the “dumper” a few times and it was all on my end. A close friend of mine and I had our second children at the same time. For several years we did everything together. It soon became clear that my child had special needs. As her child progressed typically and mine didn’t, it made me sad to be around them, so I stopped returning calls and emails. With other friends my issue was weight gain. I was too embarrassed to stay in touch, especially with friends who knew the “thin me.” Don’t assume it was something you did, and don’t assume your friendship is over. She may come out of her shell and reconnect – which is what I’m starting to do. Good luck1
Thank you so much Janice for checking me out! I also have a child with special needs and totally get what you are saying. I have also wondered if the opposite can be true, if it is hard to be friends with a mom who is going through so much when their child is healthy, there may be something to that too. It is all so complicated, isn’t it? Sending luck and love to you too! xo
This happened to me as well, but it was a 16 year old friendship and we did have an argument (our first ever!)I tried to reconcile but she just let me go. What hurt is that she did not try to work it out and have a conversation about why we argued. You know how sisters argue and then make amends. I miss her so much!! (its been two years). We had so much in common and we both “got each other”. Even know it makes me so sad just writing about this, but what can you do. You cannot force anyone to love you or be your friend. It is what it is. 🙁
Nicole I’m so sorry. It is so painful!!! I too had wished that we could have at least fought, or tried to work something out. It is a real loss. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. xoxo
Kathy it is always hard being dumped. I had a long term friend send me a Dear Joan email, un-friend me on Facebook and opt out from my company’s emails. Found out she did the same to her own sister. It was like she wanted to go into the Witness Protection Program without leaving town, start fresh.Fast forward 2 years and I get an email from her, as did her sister saying it was all a misunderstanding, I misunderstood, and please come to her wedding. I love a wedding but decided it really wasn’t in my best interest to resume this friendship. It happens to men too. My neighbor told me his friend he goes fishing with broke up with him and was very sad about it.
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Haralee thank you for sharing your experience. I think after someone dumps you it is really hard to then trust them again. xo
I can’t imagine how much that would hurt! I had 3 best friends. One died of a stroke at 41 back in 2001, another committed suicide a year ago October 2nd and one that lives 400 miles away and I only get to see a couple times of year and it sucks. That’s why all of my Blogging buddies, like you, mean so much to me!
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Oh Rena I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your friendship! xoxo
It must have really taken time for the wounds to heal and for you to be able to write about it with all the details and as much clarity as you can afford. I’m sorry about this, Kathy, although I’m sure you’ve gained much wisdom from this experience. And yes. You are DEFINITELY not alone in this experience.
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Time really did heal so much of it, that and finding out that I was not alone. When I finally told my therapist about what happened she had told me the same ting had happened to her. That really helped, and then as I started to share the experience with other friends I saw that I was far from alone. But Joy I have to say that I have been really surprised by how many women have shared their own experiences with this type of friendship loss both here and on HuffPost. Women’s friendships are very complicated!!! Love to you friend! xox
Kathy, You are such a giving and nurturing person I can’t imagine anyone doing this to you. But it happens to ALL of us. Just look at all of these comments. It’s happened to me on more than one occasion. And as much as everyone says that people come into your life for a reason and a season, that’s a load of crap. Sorry, but it just is. Because it hurts and takes a while to get over. At least for me it does. It’s never easy losing a friend. Never. xxooxxooxxooxxoo
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Cathy I can’t imagine it happening to you!!!! I really have been amazed at the reaction this post has had here and on HuffPost. I think what was hard to accept and what I felt so bad about is that I must have hurt someone I cared about very deeply and I couldn’t make it better. But you are so right, there are seasons for people and she was very important to me at a very crucial time for me! Thank you sweet friend! xoxo
I have for sure been there. It’s hard to share these stories, even years later because that shroud of shame still exists for some reason. Glad you shared yours!
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Nina I did have so much shame about it and it was hard to talk about it. Thankfully when I did I found so much support and that is when I was able to start to heal about it. Thank you so much! xo
Thanks for writing this! I just had one of these break ups within the last year. The worst part is that are kids still go to the same school. We met in a mommy group and now we are in pta together. So we have multiple circles of friends that intertwine. I still have to see her all the time and the awkwardness is horrible. At least I know I’m not alone.
That is so hard Ashley, I’m so sorry you had to deal with this too.It is so painful! xo
It’s so painful when this happens, and you’re right – it just takes time to heal from it. Wondering about the what’s and the why’s.
I’m glad you’re feeling better about it now and I’m sorry you had to go through it. xo
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Thanks!! It does just take time!! xoxo
Your story is so heartbreaking…. we’ve all felt that moment when our knees are knocked out from under us because we didn’t see… didn’t understand that the friendship was over. And your words captured that feeling so perfectly.
Thanks for sharing this- (hugs)
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Thank you so much Sharon. It is a horrible moment and I must say I am very relieved, though sad, that so many others have experienced the same thing. Hugs right back to you! xo
I am going through this now and am having such a difficult time with all the unanswered questions. I feel that I would never have the guts to just cut someone out of my life cold turkey. I know that there is a lesson to be learned here and this is what I’m working on, but it’s incredibly painful.