My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

Lost and Found

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Lost and Found

As I was sliding down the hill, I had to question the wisdom of taking the trail my 12-year-old son, Tom, wanted to take.

I figured that because I was with my dad, it would be OK. But my dear 71-year-young father was way ahead of me and wasn’t looking back. I’d lost sight of him.

Tom was behind me, exclaiming that this was the best day of his life.

For a minute I panicked. We were 15 minutes from home in a state park I’ve known since the age of nine, but I feared we were hopelessly lost.

There are few things I hate more than being lost. I’ll do anything to avoid it. I have the worse sense of direction in all of human history. I can get lost getting out of a paper bag.

Tom had no idea anything was wrong. All he knew was that he was with his mom and grandfather having a great time. He trusted me completely. Poor kid.

Then it happened, I had a flashback to 34 years earlier.

I was 11, at a sleepaway camp deep in the woods of Upstate New York. I had just successfully spent my first night in my new sleeping bag. I woke up that morning before anyone else and needed the bathroom. Not wanting to bother my counselor, I declined her sleepy offer to walk me the short distance to the outhouse.

Getting to the outhouse was fine.

But the return trip?

I must have walked out a different door and turned in the wrong direction because two hours later, I still hadn’t found my way back to my cabin.

There I was in my little baby doll pajamas, going from cabin to cabin, hoping to find mine. Each time a counselor would give me directions to get back to my cabin. Not wanting to look any more foolish than I already did, I acted like I understood just fine. Off I would go, only to get more lost.

Finally I stumbled onto a cabin of boys, and that counselor brought me back to my group. I was lost for almost three hours.

Oddly enough I don’t remember ever crying or showing anyone just how terrified I was. Even at the age of 11, far from home, completely lost, I still wanted to look like I had it all together.

I was always terrified that people would think I was dumb.

Being dyslexic is never easy, but when I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, it was extremely difficult. At times I felt so lost in school. I often felt as if I was on a different planet where everyone spoke another language.

I was desperate to find someplace where I belonged. Somewhere it didn’t require so much effort to fit in.

Who knew that the place I was looking for was the one that I would end up creating with a guy I met on a blind date 24 years ago this month?

Joe understood and listened to me when I said I couldn’t do something. Then he told me I could do it anyway. For the first time, I believed it.

“I can’t type.” “I can’t go to college.” “I can’t drive.” “I can’t blog.” Each of my fears was countered by a “Yes you can.” And then I did.

Learning to find my way home that day and all the subsequent other times I was lost, both literally and figuratively, has allowed me to teach our three children that they, too, can go wherever they want to.

Even when it feels impossible. Even when there are people saying that they can’t.

I know how hard it is to feel completely lost, and I know the joy when you find your way and realize you can do what you once thought was impossible.

I snapped out of my flashback and finished down the hill, Tom following right behind me. We soon found the path and my waiting dad. None the worse for the wear.

Tom couldn’t wait to do it again.

Neither could I.

 

*This piece was originally published on the Dishwasher on July 10, 2011, under the name, Finding My Way Home. It has been slightly edited.

 

 

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    Aww, Kathy I am terrible at directions and once got lost at the beach with two of my aunts and still remember how scared I was thinking I would never find my way back to them. I did eventually and still don’t remember how I did, but still I did. Amazingly I still can get lost at the drop of a hat, so just know you aren’t the only one to get lost and I guess we have even more in common then we already knew though 😉
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Confessions Summer Reading ListMy Profile

  2. Estelle says

    Kathy,
    You are not alone– I have a terrible sense of direction. That’s why GPS and Mapquest are my friends. My friend and I go to the same mall every week and still we can’t figure out the right way to go from Bloomingdales to our fav lunch spot.
    Estelle
    Estelle recently posted…No Health Insurance? Get Covered NowMy Profile

  4. Ashley says

    I loved this Kathy. I didn’t know about the dyslexia – how hard that must’ve been back then, and still is today for kids with dyslexia. You are inspiring to me as always, and even more so after reading this. xoxo

  5. Joy says

    Finding someone to love who truly believes in us and pushes us (gently) so we can be more is priceless. The balance between acceptance of what is and belief that there could be something more is a delicate one. I believe that it can only be truly accomplished with deep love and commitment. Another beautiful piece, my friend! And no…you are certainly not dumb!
    Joy recently posted…The Curse of the BlobMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Joy thank you! You are so right, there is a delicate balance between acceptance of who we are and yet pushing us beyond our comfort zones to see just how far we can go. Much love dear friend! xo

  9. Ava Chin says

    “Learning to find my way home that day and all the subsequent other times I was lost, both literally and figuratively, has allowed me to teach our three children that they, too, can go wherever they want to.” How lovely Kathy, and so true! My heart when out to little you in your pjs, going from cabin to cabin, and adult you dealing with the “I can’t”s of self-doubt. What great things you have to teach your children! Beautifully written.
    Ava Chin recently posted…Wild Ramps Butter, Plus RecipeMy Profile

  10. Eli@coachdaddy says

    Nothing external matters if you don’t have the hope from within. It certainly helps foster it, though, as you know. To many of us who find ourselves lost in some way or another today, thank you for the ray of hope. You just have to keep looking … for your way back, or at least, a helping hand. Sometimes, both.
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Dad’s Fanatics Often Become Family FanaticsMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Eli you are so right, hope from within is crucial. I find it helpful to look back at times where I was lost and found my way back. I can remind myself that if I did it once, I can do it again. Thanks so much for coming on over. 🙂

  13. Katherines Corner says

    I have no sense of direction…When I was young I got lost in the woods for what seemed like an eternity. Finally found my way to the trail and my way back to civilization. It still makes my heart beat faster when I think about it. But more to the piint we often find oueselves a bit lost . A great post my friend xo
    Katherines Corner recently posted…Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop 148My Profile

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Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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