Each time I open one of my kid’s lunch bags, I feel like a TV executive looking over the latest Nielsen ratings. The goldfish are gone—yea, we have a hit. The popcorn looked like a sure-fire winner yet it was untouched. Pull it.
I am ruthless. I can’t waste time and money on a snack that doesn’t score.
As a mom, I have to make quick decisions every day. Many are no more important than what snack to buy at the market.Too often the stakes are higher. Some choices, whether they are made quickly or with much prayer and thought, have deeper consequences.
About three years ago, I thought nothing of cleaning out my daughter’s toys. She is the only girl in our family, and is much loved by not only us, but by every teacher, therapist, grandparent, uncle, aunt, and bus driver she encounters.
Lizzy accumulates more Barbies and stuffed animals than anyone I know. She adores anything girly and pink, and people are only too happy to shower her with gifts, which she graciously accepts with her wonderful smile and giggle.
I’m not proud to admit this, but one of the benefits of having a child who has a lot of neurological issues is that her memory is pretty limited. In the past, I’ve tossed away scores of Barbies and other toys that outlived their prime, and she never noticed. She would go in her room and play with whatever she saw on her bed and be very happy.
That was before she started taking medication.
Putting our then seven-year-old daughter on a mood stabilizer was not an easy choice. We had tried everything up to that point, but nothing worked. She would have indescribable meltdowns that came out of nowhere.
My breaking point came when we were out to dinner one night and she started screaming and crying. I rushed her into the ladies’ room where she started to scream louder, “No, no, I want my Mommy.”
At that moment, she had no idea who I was. When she came out of it, she had no memory of what happened.
I cried the first time I gave her the medicine. The reality of the situation came crashing down on me. She was disabled, and this was not going to magically disappear no matter how hard we wished or prayed.
The drugs Lizzy takes make it possible for her to go to school and have as normal a life as possible. We can go out as a family without worrying she will fall apart.
The medications have also improved her memory.
This became evident after that fateful room cleaning. I was in shock when she clearly and calmly said, “Mommy, I can’t find my Princess Barbie in the pink dress.”
I was thrilled she expressed herself so clearly. I was thrilled she remembered the Princess Barbie. Until I remembered that Barbie was a casualty of the cleaning.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Would she understand why I got rid of it? Would she be hurt that I didn’t take her feelings into account? Was I the worst mother in the world?
(I sure felt like it when I heard her looking for the doll. “Princess Barbie, where are you? You are my best friend.”)
My husband, Joe, was ready to rush out and buy a replacement. I was tempted as well, but I decided to talk with her. I calmly explained that I made a mistake and let her know that the next time I would have her help me decide which toys should stay and which should go.
“I love you mommy” was her response. “I forgive you.”
Then I ran out and bought a new Barbie.
Being a decision-maker means that sometimes I will choose wrong. Just like a TV executive who turns down a pilot for a show that ends up being a hit on another network. Becoming a mother didn’t make me infallible. But it’s reassuring when one of my mistakes can be forgiven with an “I love you” and a kiss.
This piece was first published on the Dishwasher in January, 2012, titled Losing Barbie, Finding my Princess. It’s been slightly edited from the original. Thanks for letting me share it with you this week.
I love that you decided to talk to her. She will remember that more than the new Barbie.
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Thank you so much! It was such a turning point for her. xo
Aww, Kathy I probably would have gone out and buy a new Barbie, too. And trust me I do a lot of cleaning here as well and if they noticed that something was a casualty, yup totally would be at the store caving to buy a new one to replace the old.
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Kathy, sending you love and hugs. I so love your posts! It must have been difficult to give Lizzy medication, but I am glad that the meds seem to give her a better quality of life. Your story about the Barbie reminds me of when my hubs accidentally ran over Melissa’s scooter. She was about 7, and, like you, I was tempted to run and by a new one to replace it. But, like you, I talked to her instead, told her it was an accident, and that daddy felt so bad. She understood, and gave us both hugs……….then I ran out and bought a new one!!
Bittersweet! Feeling it with you mom!
All I want to do after reading this is hug you both and play barbies. xo
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Such a positive decision to put her on meds. If I were you I’d be buying every Barbie there is…your daughter (and you) deserve it!
Sharon Greenthal recently posted…Katie Couric, the Empty Nest and Me
It is so difficult when our children have health problems beyond the typical childhood colds. My son was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when he was 12. He is able to live a normal life but will probably always need to be on medicines, all of which have a long list of possible side effects. But he is feeling good and happy, so there is nothing else I can do.
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Touching and oh-so-true.
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My sister who is pretty phobic about meds, has a child with special needs, but even she was able to recognize when meds were appropriate for her daughter’s particular issues. Her daughter is now almost 16 and it is clear her parents have done whatever they can for her to be able to optimize her potential and the quality of her life. Tough decisions go with the parent territory, but some parents face more difficult tough decisions than others. Kudos to you for helping your daughter and rejecting a one size fits all mentality.
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Suzanne thank you so much for sharing this with me!! It is never an easy decision but you are so right, anything we can do to help our children live up to their optimal potential is the best gift we can give them. xo
Beautiful. That girl of yours sure is something. Btw, this is the kind of post you could send you-know-where 😉
Thank you!
Kathy Radigan recently posted…Barbie, My Daughter and Me
This is such a beautiful post. Your daughter is such a blessing and I am sure you know that. Be well!
Barbara
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Barbara thank you so much for your sweet words! xo
While I can’t relate to accidentally throwing out a child’s favorite toy, I can relate to the medication.
I didn’t want to go back on medication to improve my moods and help with my issues. I felt I was giving up, even losing, by returning to medication. But, like your daughter, I got better by going back on them and my memory also improved. Granted there’s a huge difference between a child and an adult but the results are still the same: Sometimes we have no choice but to give (or take as the case may be) the medication and hope it works. And when it does, we realize just how important it is for us to live a fairly normal and happy life.
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Thank you so much Kim. xo
I love this!! It’s funny to me how much I struggle with apologizing to my kids. Not because of pride, but because I fear letting them down. I am ashamed that I screwed up- whether on purpose or an accident. However, this is so ridiculous because my children are the most grace-filled people I will encounter in my adult life. They forgive without a second thought. They never hesitate to say, “i forgive you, Mom.” And it is never said begrudgingly. It is always forgiveness and grace given feely and easily. I need to remember that more often.
As for the medication… I can only imagine how hard that decision was. As much as we want to believe we make our decisions free from the opinions of others, it’s hard to really and truly do that. But from one mom (whose opinion you don’t need;) I can say this: no mother knows her child better than she does. Our decisions are often not easy, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong;)
Vicky
P.S. It was so awesome to share a hug with you last weekend;)
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Thank you so much Vicky! And it’s so true, we can get so caught up in not wanting to let our kids down, but in the end, I think all they really want is us. Hard for me to remember that! It was great getting to meet you last weekend!!! So much fun to finally get to give real hugs to people instead of virtual ones!! xo
What a lovely post—I think you handled the situation perfectly. Sure wish I could have gone to BlogU and gotten to meet you! XO
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I accidentally ran across your blog, and am so glad that I did. I have never had any children of my own but feel as if I have raised 3 dozen. One of my closest friends had to make the same decision regarding medication – there was no choice. She is now a grandmother and a bit concerned about one of her daughter’s parenting skills. I just send her a text with the links to those videos as she can use the watching of them as “trade-offs” for babysitting or helping out her daughter in other ways (although it will be sorta like buying the Barbie doll to totally follow through). I suggested she watch them with her and comment on her own parenting mistakes. Great blog!
Thank you so much! 🙂
I love this post, so relatable and honest. There are so many things I looked down on before I became a mom and started breaking my self-imposed rules. I think it’s easier to deal with our own parenting demons then make our kids do it instead. Again, beautiful work!