When I became a mother 15 years ago, I expected some perks with the job. The way a newborn will hold on to your finger when you are feeding her, or the way your two-year-old’s face lights up when you walk into a room. Being the one who gets to hear your son ask God to bless the baby in mommy’s tummy or hear your daughter say I love you for the first time.
These perks make up for the sleepless nights, days full of worry, spit covered shirts, and prematurely gray hair.
But there’s one gift motherhood gave me that I never, ever expected–I gained my voice.
Words have always come easy for me. Legend has it that I was speaking full sentences at the age of 18 months. I corrected my grandmother’s pronunciation of Santa Claus when I was two.
I can start up a conversation with almost anybody, anywhere.
Perhaps one of the best illustrations of this was nine years ago when I had my third child. I went into labor at 3:00 in the morning, a full 24 hours before my scheduled C-section. The doctor we had scheduled to deliver my son wasn’t on call. Instead I was going to have the head of the practice deliver my last baby.
I knew I was in good hands, but I wasn’t particularly close to this doctor. He didn’t have the same warm bedside manner as Dr. B. In my nervous attempt to develop a bit of a connection with the man who was cutting me open, I began asking him questions about his kids.
For some reason I’m not sure of I remembered that he had once mentioned that all three of his sons were into theatre. I asked how it was going for them.
I doubt he expected to be discussing his sons with the woman he was performing a C-section on, but maybe his paternal pride kicked in because he mentioned that two of his boys happened to be starring in their high school production of Sweeney Todd.
As chance would have it, my aunt was directing the production.
Hours later he was congratulating my aunt on a wonderful performance and her new great nephew. He told her he had never had a conversation like that while he was delivering a baby.
My chattering kept me calmer and made the birth of my beautiful son that much more memorable. It also fits the image most people have of me of being outgoing and not afraid to speak up for myself.
But the truth is, I may have been born with the ability to use words at an early age. But opening my mouth and speaking up for myself was something that I didn’t fully accomplish until I became a mother.
I was a shy, insecure young woman. My dyslexia made me very cautious, and I was always afraid people would consider me stupid.
I would rather die than let someone know what I thought or felt.
As I made my way through my twenties and early thirties, I became more comfortable in my skin. But speaking up for myself was still something I had to work on. I was still very concerned with being liked and playing the part of the “good girl.”
Then I had my first miscarriage, followed by a second, a third, and a fourth. All of a sudden being thought of as a nice girl or the perfect patient wasn’t as important as having a healthy baby.
By the time I finally held my newborn son two years after my first loss, I no longer cared about my image. If I felt something was wrong, I would call my doctor. My fear of looking stupid was overshadowed by something greater, the needs of my unborn child.
I read up on anything I could on pregnancy loss. If a specialist was recommended, I would get on the phone and call the hospital the doctor was affiliated with and ask questions. People responded to me, and I found that my gift of words helped me connect to people and get the information I needed.
As my son got older, I found that this ability came in handy as it became apparent to me that his speech was late in developing. I was fearless when it came to getting the help he needed. I was no longer scared to question doctors and others in authority.
What surprised me even more was that people listened to me. I found that the doctors, teachers, and therapists I was dealing with were very open to my questions and instincts.They didn’t see a scared dyslexic girl. They saw an intelligent well-read mother who would do anything she needed to get her kids the help they need. And if I ever felt my concerns were not being taking seriously enough, I had no problem letting them know and finding another practice.
I was a mom now and nothing as trivial as my fears of looking dumb would come in the way of my ability to get my children the care they needed.
As it turned out, this skill came in handy because all three of our kids struggle with learning differences. My daughter has very significant special needs.
I have become a very vocal advocate for them and have seen all three of my children accomplish things that some said were impossible.
I was born with the gift of words, but it took motherhood for me to find my voice.
Kathy, I could so relate to this, because even though I too was an earlier talker, I was so very shy as a young girl, but I only began to come out of my shell as I got older and motherhood also solidified this for me. And now, you couldn’t shut me up if you tried and also my kids greatest advocate and will always be here, too.
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Janine thanks for saying that, I didn’t know that other women felt the same way. xo
Beautiful post Kathy. You put into words what I experienced too. Before kids, i usually didn’t speak up for myself. Once I became a mother…I found my voice!
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Nancy thank you so much!!! I think it’s so interesting how we view other people, I thought of you as someone who found her voice at an early age. I think it’s so interesting that as much as you accomplished at a young age you didn’t feel you found your voice till you had your kids. Thanks so much for sharing that!! xoxo
I agree and not only do we find our voice, we also learn that we are capable of doing things and finding the courage to do them when we become mothers. 🙂
Jhanis recently posted…What I want on Mother’s Day
I totally agree!! We do learn that we are so much more capable of doing things we once thought were impossible. It’s interesting to me that I’m not the only one who found mothering to be empowering! Thanks so much!
Women are like this–able to connect in some of the most interesting places!
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Carol it amazing whenever and however a woman finds her voice. And you are right, we can connect in the strangest places! xoxo
Hi Kathy – Tom, Lizzy, and Peter are lucky to have you!!
With love,
Lisa
Lisa you are so sweet!! Happy Mother’s Day!! xoxo
I am so glad you found your voice!
For me it took at least until my third child to speak up, I still need practice…
From the experience of having a severely disabled grandson I watched my debilitatingly shy daughter grow into a mighty advocate for her son.
Doreen McGettigan recently posted…A-Z Challenge Reflection Post
Doreen thank you so much for sharing your own experience and that of your daughter. I have been amazed at how strong my voice has become, I too was painfully shy. It is odd what blessings can come from such difficult and painful situations.
Nothing ever made me speak louder than advocating for my kids!
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It really is true Sharon! Thanks so much!
Kathy,
Your honesty and emotions pour through each word. I identify with all you said after also having 2 miscarriages and a son with learning differences. I was so shy as a young child the principal forced my mother to leave the first grade classroom because she couldn’t bear leaving me, causing me to cry.
We have found our voices, and our children are to thank for that amazing feat.
I applaud you for writing this honest post. I love you even more, sweet friend.
Cathy thank you so much for sharing that! Life is strange, we can either grow and expand with it, or wither under the pressure. You have certainly thrived and blossomed!! I love you too dear friend. xoxo
This is just beautiful, Kathy.
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Thank you so much Lynne! 🙂
So true… i could never really stand up for myself but boy did i find my voice when i needed to stand up for my children. Wonderful post!
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Thanks so much Alisa! xo
I thought you were gonna say you demanded your doctor or something like you threw down the gauntlet, but instead you accepted the situation and found a common ground in a less than perfect moment. I love that. Love. Love. Love.
The Shitastrophy recently posted…I Am NOT A Homemaker
Lol! It didn’t occur to me to get mad, that would have ruined my status as the groups nicest patient! (Lol!) It really was so funny, my husband loves to tell this story, but it might be one of those that you really had to be there to appreciate the whole thing. Especially since the doctor is a very serious, no nonsense doctor!! Lol! Thanks so much! xo
I’m glad you found your voice. And I’m glad you now share that voice with the world. There is so much comfort in common experience, so much wisdom to be gained from listening to the stories of others who have walked in one’s shoes. The honesty and vulnerability that comes across in your writing is really an inspiration.
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We truly are the greatest advocates for our children. And I believe that by exercising our right to have a voice and be heard, we are also teaching our children to speak up and be confident in what they have to say and who they are. Thanks for this reminder, Kathy! As a person who is inclined towards introversion, I need this.
Joy recently posted…Our Purpose-Laden Lives
Joy it’s true, all three of my kids are very confident and I have to believe that seeing their mom speak out for them had to have helped. I also have always included them, when appropriate in their treatment. My oldest has become an amazing advocate for himself, it is amazing to see!! I was always way to fearful to speak up for myself! xox
Hi Kathy!
Just visiting from over at The Writers Group. Even though I don’t have kids I can see this is a very well written piece, and from the heart of a great mom who went through a lot. Now that I am older I do realize what my mom went through with us, and why even at my age I am still her little boy.
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Thanks so much for popping over!! I can tell that the writers group is going to be a lot of fun. I too now understand my own mom a bit more and understand why she still can “baby” me at times, even though I’m a mom of my own! Thanks again!
Kathy I forgot the story of Peters Birth and the Doctor and Aunt Fran Students! I am glad you found your voice and you do use it to help your children. God Bless You!