In my fifteen years of being a mom, I’ve had my share of tough questions.
The ones that induce the reddest blushes have to do with sex.
What is sex? Do you and daddy have sex? When do you ever find the time to have sex? These are the tip of the iceberg in a long line of questions from my three kids that I’ve fielded over the years. Usually while we are all at the dinner table and my mouth is full of tea or pasta.
I will never, ever, forget the time our eldest child needed the complete, don’t-hold-anything-back, tell-me-right-now, explanation of sex.
We had already dealt with the basics of where babies came from. I always answered every question that was brought to me. But every time we would get to the nitty gritty part, Tom would change the subject.
This day was different. He wanted the truth, the whole truth. Nothing else would suffice.
Of course this was also on a day that my dad was over. I will spare you the details of our conversation, but let’s just say that six years later, I still haven’t completely recovered from having to explain ejaculation to my son IN FRONT of my father.
I give my dad extra points for remaining very calm and then patting me on the back for a job well done.
Some of the toughest questions I have had to answer have been about our beautiful 12 year-old daughter. Lizzy is beloved by her two brothers, but her brain disorder that still has no name stumps some of the top medical professionals in the world. How do I answer questions about what her future will be when I don’t know?
Being a mom means being prepared for anything. I get that. I am also fairly proud of my ability to appear calm and unfazed even when I’m laughing or dying inside.
But I have to admit that I was caught off guard last year when my then eight-year-old son, Peter, asked me if he really had to go to heaven one day, and if he did, could our whole family go at the same time.
“Can I at least go with Grandpa Warren?”
My beloved Aunt Fran, who died less than a year ago, was in the last stages of her illness. Peter loved Fran and he was really struggling with what it meant that she was dying.
What is heaven? Where is heaven? Can we all go at the same time?
Peter asked these questions as I was serving dinner.
I did my best to reassure him and let him know I believed heaven was a beautiful, peaceful place where we would be with God and all our loved ones that went before us. I stressed the fact that I felt it was a place where there was no pain or sadness.
I let him know that I loved the idea that we would all be together and that even if we didn’t all go at the same time, I believed we would ultimately be reunited with one another.
His face relaxed and he smiled as he asked for a hug.
I was relieved to know that my hugs still held their magical power.
It occurred to me that day that I am the filter that my children see the world through. Whether they are sad, scared, happy or not feeling well, I am the one that they come to.
They adore their father. They love their grandparents, but I have been their constant from the day they each took their first breaths.
I am home.
All at once, I felt grateful, humbled and a little scared to be that important to not one, but three of the sweetest people on earth.
Motherhood is a strange job. The hours are crazy, the working conditions are not always optimal, and the people that we work for can sometimes seem very demanding. I don’t always feel up to the job. Yet, on that day I was once again reminded that it is not so much what I do that means the most to my children. It is that I am there to do it. I may not be my ideal of the perfect mother, but I am theirs.
* This piece is a re-working of an essay that was published on the Dishwasher on May 26, 2013 under the title, Mommy Makes the World Go Round.
Liv says
Goodness…we’re still in the “stop kissing” phase. We did have to have the death discussion recently, but I guess I should prepare my ejaculate speech. Thanks for the primer.
Liv recently posted…Co-Parenting with a High Conflict Ex
Kathy Radigan says
Liv I will say that as long as I live I will never, ever forget that conversation! Lol! Thanks so much for stopping by, and start practicing because you never know when they are going to ask you anything! Lol!
Janine Huldie says
You just made me happy that all I had to deal with this weekend was that toy avalanche I messaged you about. Seriously, so not ready for the sex talk at all. When that day comes, I have a feeling I will be massaging you now for sure 🙂
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Kathy Radigan says
Oh it just keeps coming Janine! And don’t think they have to be older than your girls to really start stumping you. Any day my friend I tell you, any day!! Lol! And of course I will be here!! xoxo
Ice Scream Mama says
love it. we certainly are the center of their world and sometimes their questions can put us a little off kilter. it’s a crazy job. 🙂
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Kathy Radigan says
It really is, isn’t it? Lol! Thanks so much for stopping over! xo
Marsha burgess says
Well, my darlings, I suppose you should feel some sort of “gratitude” that your youngest one isn’t gay. Now THAT was a conversation. I had known for quite some time he was not “going to the prom with a girl”, so to speak, but my goodness, kids can ask the most forthright of questions! What can I say? They’re yours and you love them no matter what flavor they come in. And for the record, I think I might have died had I been unfortunate enough to have had that conversation in front of ANYONE, much less my beloved Dad, so well done!
Kathy Radigan says
Well kudos to you that your son knew he could come to you and share that part of himself with you. And just so you know, I still have not completely recovered from that conversation and it was 6 years ago!! Lol! Thank you so much for stopping by! 🙂
Doreen McGettigan says
I was a blubbering idiot when it came to the ‘talk’ with my kids. They are grown adults now and tell me I did pretty good explaining it all to them, and then they laugh.
It is only the beginning.
My husband and I saw Heaven is for real last night. It was thought provoking.
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Kathy Radigan says
Doreen I’m always amazed that my kids ask these questions when I’m cooking dinner, driving, or doing something completely unrelated and they shock the heck out of me! Lol! And I know it’s only the beginning!! Yikes!! I’m curious about Heaven is for Real, I would like to see it. 🙂
[email protected] says
I love this Kathy! Boy this post brought me right back to those days. Answering those big questions was so tough, uncomfortable at times yet so rewarding. Having the title mom comes with scary responsibility but I can’t imagine life without it. It’s the MOST wonderful thing I’ve ever done! xo Nancy
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Kathy Radigan says
Nancy you are so right, the job of mom is so filled with really awe inspiring responsibility, but I agree, I would not want to live without it! xox
Carol Cassara says
Those sound like challenging conversations! I would love to see the script!
Carol Cassara recently posted…Stand in your solitude. At least for five minutes.
Kathy Radigan says
Carol it was one for the record books! 🙂
Elin Stebbins Waldal says
I love how this post closes Kathy and my favorite line is this: “It occurred to me that day that I am the filter that my children see the world through. Whether they are sad, scared, happy or not feeling well, I am the one that they come to.” Truly there is no greater gift.
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Kathy Radigan says
Thank you so much Elin! 🙂
thedoseofreality says
Absolutely beautiful at the end Kathy, and you once again left me in tears. I know exactly what you mean about being the one they come to for all the questions. Amazingly written. :)-Ashley
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Kathy Radigan says
Thanks so much Ashley! Motherhood is an amazing job, but it is so awe inspiring isn’t it? xox
Linda Roy says
Oh, I love those last two lines Kathy. Isn’t that the truth? And we sometimes forget that. Even though my 14 yo son will be mad I didn’t fold his clothes (instead I’m reading blogs), that’s not what he’ll remember in the long run. Unless I can’t find his underwear in the morning and he has to go to school commando. Then he’ll remember. And it will require therapy.
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Kathy Radigan says
Thank you so much! Linda I agree! And I feel your pain since I have a 15 year old, charming age!!! xoxo
andrea brovetto says
That was a thought provoking post Kathy! Im glad I din not have boys I would not have know how to answer that! Your great! and yes you are their filter and its great that you keep the communication open and honest! Love you Lots!
Lana says
Thanks for this beautiful post. So far my teen boys have gone to their dad for all the sex questions! I’m always happy when they come to me with the tough questions, even though some of them are really hard to answer. Really like your blog – I’ll be back to read more!
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Kathy Radigan says
Thanks so much!! For some reason I am always the one on deck when the questions come!! My husband and I always laugh about it. THanks so much for coming by, I really appreciate it! 🙂