My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

7 Tips to Achieve a Haggard and Exhausted Look

By

7 tips

Are you getting bored with all the articles telling you to look and feel your best, you need at least eight hours of sleep a day?

If you’re like me, you feel you look better with dark circles and puffy bags under your eyes teamed with a sallow complexion.

Have you caught your husband lustily eyeing the groggy woman ahead of you at the checkout line, confirming your suspicion that he feels haggard is the new sexy?

Have no fear. I’m here to give you some tried-and-true tips for capitalizing on your lack of sleep. Follow my advice, and you too can achieve that harried look and attitude of a mom on the edge. Healthy and well-rested is so yesterday.

1.) Have children. One child can do it, but if you’re really going for the too-exhausted-to-stand-upright look, have three.

2.) The kids should feel free to sneak in your bed at all hours of the night. If you’re not woken up with at least one of your kids’ feet on your face or a little arm wedged under your ribs, you’re not doing it right.

3.) Keep your office in your bedroom. Your computer should call to you in the middle of the night, with emails that need to be answered and a blog that needs updating while everyone is tucked safely in bed. This will ensure that you will be completely shot by breakfast. You may even get a headache. Doesn’t everyone know that nothing is sexier than a tired, haggard, cranky woman with a headache? You’ll be the envy of every mother at the PTA meeting, school drop-off lane, or toddler gym class.

4.) Teach your children that you’re at their beck-and-call at all hours of the night. If you have gone a week without one of your children asking you to make scrambled eggs and bacon or asking if they could build a rocket ship in the basement at 3:00 am, you’re really at risk of looking well rested.

5.) If you should decide to ever lock your door in order to have a little private time with your mate, or just sleep uninterrupted for more than two hours, make sure you have the type of kids who are willing to camp out by the door for at least two hours. If they are clever enough to sing 10 versions of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” or say things like, “But mom you are my best friend” and “Let me in. I can’t hack sleeping on my own tonight,” you’re golden.

6.) Drink coffee. All. Day. Long. Here’s a special tip: Go to Starbucks and get a grande with three shots of espresso. It’s highly recommended if you need to clean out your closets and fridge at 3:00 am.

7.) Send your kids to school or daycare. This will ensure that they will get sick and you will be woken up by a little one with a fever or projectile vomiting. This is really essential. Seeing your child sick and in pain will add more than a little stress to your exhaustion.  You’ll feel so helpless and sad for your child that you are sure to have an extra layer of sluggishness.

Follow one or two of these tips, and you’re sure to look a little bleary eyed.To achieve the maximum effect of weary-and-shattered beauty, you must follow all of these steps. This task isn’t for the faint of heart.

After practicing these tips for 15 years, my look is so haggard and exhausted that any day I expect Vogue to schedule me for a cover shot.

I hope they use Patrick Demarchelier.

 

 

Comments

  2. Courtney Conover says

    Want to really go for the gold in the Haggard Mommy Olympics? Not only have more than one child, but have them close together. Furthermore, call on others (or not) to get involved to really gain a competitive edge: mandate that your husband work super-long hours and eschew all help from family members — because “I am Type-A and I can handle this!”

    Do this and you’ll have more than just puffy bags — you’ll have accumulated under-eye bags large enough to accommodate an overnight stay for two! (Which is ravishingly sexy, I might add.)
    Courtney Conover recently posted…NFL by the Numbers: 63My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Courtney you really sound like you have the Haggard look down pat, I’m sure Vogue will calling you any day now! Lol! Tanks so much coming on by! 🙂

  3. Notsosupermom says

    Love the new site!!!
    And the list is awesome! I’d love to remind everyone following #3 to be sure to keep the volume up and those notifications turned ON! Then you get to hear those wonderful little *ping* *ping* *pings* when your best friend from high school’s ex-husband’s cousin invites you to play Farmville at 2 am. (You can’t let your kids have all the fun keeping you so unrefreshed looking….)
    Notsosupermom recently posted…That Lovin’ Feelin’My Profile

  4. Janine Huldie says

    No wonder why I have dark circles and bags under my eyes and hair grayling as we speak. Seriously, could so relate to this and then some. And as my mother always tells me once she had kids, she never slept a descent night and actually told me the teenage years were even worse when she had to worry where we were at all hours of the night outside of the home instead of being awoken by screaming/cranky babies, because at least you knew at this point that they were indeed safe within your own home. So, looks like it will only get worse before it could ever get better in this department!
    Janine Huldie recently posted…March In With the Wolf of Wall StreetMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      So glad to hear you are rocking the look so well! Lol!Janine my mother has said the same thing about the teen years and I remember her waiting up for me and my sisters all the way up till each of us left home. Forget the cover, I may be getting a whole layout in Vogue!! Lol! xo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Having sick kids is totally the way to up the haggard look! You sound like you are going for the “Best Bags of 2014” good luck!! Lol! Hope your kids are feeling better soon. It really is so hard!! 🙂

  8. Carol Cassara says

    I missed having children, but did have that sallow, haggard look when I spent wayyy too much time working. As in once leaving the emergency room on a Saturday after getting fluids and vomiting all night to go to a meeting. I can’t believe I did that.
    Carol Cassara recently posted…Strong is the new skinnyMy Profile

  14. Karen says

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but having your kids leave home doesn’t really help. Mine have assigned their evil henchmen, our cats, to keep me awake most nights.

    They sleep on my legs. They lick my head. They go for joyrides on my office chair at 3 a.m. They stand on my chest and look meaningfully into my eyes at 5 a.m., demanding breakfast. Really, it’s much like having small, furry children who like to sleep on my head. Except that I don’t feel guilty telling them to piss off.
    Karen recently posted…Re-living my teens with the help of FacebookMy Profile

  15. Claudia Schmidt says

    My kids are a bit older now, so not as much of the sleeping in bed with us stuff going on, but there’s still a LOT of massive quantities of food being made (by me of course) and more laundry than an entire army needs to be washed EVERY Day, because both kids are in sports. And I wonder why I’m always so tired….. 🙂
    Claudia Schmidt recently posted…The Obligatory Oscar Night Top 10 Recap!My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Claudia you are right, there really is a never ending list of things to do. So now you know you ca rock the haggard look even after the kids become teens!! Aren’t you thrilled?!! Lol!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks Joy! I really do hate 7 too! There is nothing worse than a sick kid, your heart really goes out to them, they are feeling so bad and you are not just tired but stressed out to the max. This is when you really know you are a master of the look and Vogue is calling any day!! Lol! xoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Bobbi I totally think looking sexy for yourself is very important. Why should we reserve our best haggard exhausted look for someone else!! Lol! Thanks so much for dropping by! 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks so much for letting us know that you don’t have to lose the haggard look just because your children grow up, what a relief. Lol! 🙂

  20. Lisa Weinstein says

    Kathy, you always make me laugh! And I’m sure you look beautiful. I remember my cherub once walking into my bedroom during some rare intimacy time, we jumped under the covers so fast you might have thought we were superheroes. My response to her question, “why don’t you have any clothes on?” “I was hot” She bought the story..I think! LOL!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Kristen that is great!! But if you really want to get the most out of the haggard exhausted look I do suggest following a few o the tips! Lol! Thanks so much for stopping by! 🙂

  28. Katie E says

    So funny! I’ve got the look down. And I like to never wear makeup to be sure it’s clear to everyone. I’ve spent the last several nights in my toddler’s bed after he wakes up in the middle of the night – where he sleeps on me in the most uncomfortable ways. So I also wake up with a crick in my neck that causes strange twitching throughout the day.
    Katie E recently posted…Why I Should Buy My Tween the Catching Fire DVDMy Profile

  30. Kim says

    I have cats who are pretty much the equivalent of having kids. Wake mom up at 5:30 a.m. by scratching the bed frame or chasing each other through the apartment? NO PROBLEMO! Add in a husband who snores/breathes heavy and it’s a fantastic way to have dark eyes and a haggard look!
    Kim recently posted…A Cat’s Rebuttal: Pip Shares His SideMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      You are so right, I now know that cats or dogs can easily help you achieve the haggard and exhausted look! Glad you are rocking it so well! Lol! 🙂

Trackbacks

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
J9 Designs