Every now and then I have found myself in a relationship that stopped working for me but for the sake of members of my family I have continued to keep the offending party in my life. I’ll look to see what these relationships can teach me, see where I’m at fault, and do my best to change.
But today I have come to the realization that there are some things that just can’t be repaired. I can be silent no more.
Dear Tom’s English Assignment, Lizzy’s DVD of a Christmas Story and Peter’s sneakers;
It saddens me to say this, but I can no longer handle you. Your constant need to disappear has reached a point where it’s no longer healthy for the rest of the family. All day, the three of you have caused perfectly lovely children to cry, scream and fight with each other. Enough is enough.
First off, Tom’s English assignment, how dare you just disappear right before he needs to hand you in? Forget that Tom has known about you for a week and just realized the day before you’re due that the assignment sheet with the instructions is nowhere to be found. Don’t you have feelings? The life of a 14-year-old is hard enough without papers vanishing.
You caused an otherwise very rational, well mannered and happy boy to simply lose it. Did you not know how important you were for the world to continue to rotate on its axis?
You are irreplaceable. A call to a friend or an email to a teacher can not solve your disappearance. Personally if I ever see the words “English Assignment” again on a piece of paper, well, let’s just say, you should be afraid.
And, just so you know, we did contact his teacher and the idea Tom came up without you and worked on all day is perfect for his assignment. So as it turns out, you weren’t needed.
Lizzy’s DVD of “A Christmas Story.” Well, what can I say? For weeks, you have caused our very sweet daughter nothing but heartache. Did you not know you were her best friend and she does not know what she will do without you? For such a happy holiday movie, you have wreaked havoc on our otherwise blissfully happy household.
We have searched everywhere that a DVD could possibly be. Underneath beds, behind dressers, and even in the very unlikely places of two dvd players and the three cases we have that manage to keep all your other dvd friends perfectly happy.
Why, oh why, did you just leave your happy DVD case? If you were tired of her playing you every single night, couldn’t you have just told us? Did you need to resort to such drastic lengths?
I would like you to know that your services are no longer needed. Lizzy found three other DVDs. She likes them better than you. I realize that in a few days she might once again mourn your loss. But she is 11 now and is really leaning that if you can’t love the one you want, you can love the one you’re with.
And, now for Peter’s sneakers. What can I possibly say to you to make you realize how you ruined a very happy, charming little boy’s Sunday? (Not to mention the huge migraine you gave me.)
Do you know because you disappeared, he got into a fight with his brother and sister? Then he got sent to his room because everyone knows that you can’t hit people just because you are heartbroken over where your shoes are.
He also missed running errands with his father. That is just unacceptable.
I hope you know he almost considered leaving the house with his, (we know now) way too small dress shoes or his sister’s flip flops. I am glad you finally decided to show up after being missing for four hours. Peter is very glad to be able to visit his grandfather. But I am thinking that your days on his sweet little 8 year-old feet are numbered. Get ready for that big shoe bag in the sky.
Let this be a reminder to any other items that are thinking of leaving our house, or just as worse thinking of disappearing under a chair for a few hours. If you harm any member of my family, or cause me a mind numbing headache I will go after you. I have a blog and I’m not afraid to use it!