It was 13 years ago, but I can still clearly remember the day I told my boss that I would not be returning to my job after I had my baby.
The baby it took me almost two years to have–I was going to be a stay-at-home mom.
I was thrilled and excited. I was conflicted and scared out of my mind. Before I took this momentous step I read numerous articles on the “right” way one was to approach this subject with your employer.
The articles advised a woman to remain professional and confident in her decision. Always being careful to keep the door open should she choose to reenter the paid workforce.
My heart was beating fast.
The two women I worked with knew I was leaving, and they knew what I was going to discuss with my boss when I walked in his office.
I closed the door.
I looked at his corner office with the balcony overlooking Park Avenue.
Hard to believe I had been with Mike for seven years. I knew him before I got married, before I tried to have a baby, and before I traded my beloved, albeit small, one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan for a house in Queens.
He was someone I admired as a professional, and I liked working for him. As a boss, he was supportive when I decided to go back to school, even reminding me to study or work on a paper while I was at the office.
As my road to motherhood got more and more complicated with each miscarriage, I felt lucky that I worked for someone who would encourage me to take time off to recover after each loss or who never questioned when I needed to leave early or come in late due to a trip to the doctor.
But now I was at the other side of the desk for a happy reason.
I was seven months pregnant. Happier than I ever had been in my whole life.
I started my carefully crafted spiel just like all the articles suggested.
Confident.
Completely sure of my decision.
Then I cried.
Exactly what every article said not to do.
Maybe I wasn’t completely sure this was right for me?
Truth be told, I had always assumed I would work with a have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too arrangement where I worked a few days a week and stayed home a few days. Mike had no problem with me doing just that.
I did not have to choose, I could have the “best” of both worlds.
Yet after having four miscarriages in a relatively short time, my whole idea of motherhood had changed. I wanted to completely embrace this new chapter in my life. I wanted every moment I could have with my baby.
What the heck was I doing?
I was 33. For my whole adult life, I’d worked in and enjoyed the corporate environment.
Plus, I had strong feminist beliefs. I liked the idea that I made my own money and had my own life. I wasn’t sure how I was going to like feeling financially dependent on my husband.
Joe and I had many talks about how our marriage was a partnership and my staying home and doing the daily care for our child was a vital part of the arrangement. I was still an equal partner in the relationship even if I wasn’t earning a pay check.
I wasn’t sure if I was really cut out for life at home. I wasn’t much of a cook, hated to clean, and had never been good at coupon clipping. I also didn’t sew or even iron very well.
After all, isn’t that what a good stay-at-home mom does?
We had just moved to Queens a few months before I found out I was pregnant. I knew no one that stayed home. What could I possibly do all day that would keep me interested?
I thought of my own mom.
She had stayed home with my sisters and me until my youngest sister went to kindergarten.
My mother admitted that for her it was a very stifling existence.
She came alive when she joined the “real world,” first with becoming president of the PTA and then a real estate broker.
My mother’s work brought her life meaning and purpose. Making her own money gave her a sense of power she never had.
Was I just picking a road to hell and 50 pounds by choosing to stay home?
I pulled myself together. Mike told me he thought I was making the right decision for me.
My last week of work Mike had a little retirement lunch for me that included the other four people in our small office.
On my last day I packed up my desk, said my goodbyes and went home and waited for my new job to begin.
Our son Tom decided to be born 10 days past his due date, so I had a few weeks home before my new job officially started.
I tried my hand at cooking dinner for my husband each night and did tons of baby laundry. I went to lunch with my mom and shopped for the baby. It felt like a vacation.
And then I had my beautiful baby boy.
Vacation over.
Mike and his partner came to visit me in the hospital. They brought flowers and sent sterling silver gifts from Tiffany’s.
But that chapter of my life was over.
It was now official, I was stay-at-home mom.
Three weeks into my new job, I was sure I’d made a horrible mistake. I couldn’t figure out how to open up the stroller or put Tom in his Baby Bjorn carrier.
Heck, it could take almost an hour just to change his diaper and get him dressed some days.
And I was nursing.
All. The. Time.
I was exhausted. I was sure I was ruining my son for life.
I started making mental contributions for his future therapy.
To make matters worse, I knew I loved my beautiful and perfect son, but I wasn’t sure I liked him very much.
What kind of mother doesn’t like her own baby?
I envied my husband’s long commute and even longer work days.
I was lost.
I had no friends.
My own mother became very important to me.
I went to Dunkin Donuts so much in Tom’s first year that the counter people bought him a Christmas present. He still has the stuffed bear.
I was determined to not turn into one of those baby-obsessed women my friends and I use to make fun of, and I gave myself some rules.
I would read at least one new book a week fearing that my brain cells would disappear from watching all the children’s programs.
I joined the local gym and would bring Tom to the nursery and work out.
I joined mother’s groups, started mother’s groups, and took every Baby and Me class I could find.
I was not going to be sucked into the baby abyss.
But something happened.
I fell in love with the job.
And I fell into the abyss.
The more children I had, the more the carefully crafted balance of reading and working out got out of kilter.
There were days I longed for better working conditions and more accommodating people to work for.
But for the most part, I adored my job. It felt right for me.
And, I realize I was, and still am, so fortunate to have a choice when so many women do not.
Funny, but it never occurred to me that all these years later a string of articles would stir such heated debate about the “right’ way to be a mother.
Foolishly, I thought we had gotten past that.
Over 40 years ago, my mother fought for her right to make her own choices about the life she lived.
In the late 1960s and early 1970s she nursed all three of her daughters, although other people, her parents included, thought she was crazy.
Her best friend called her a barbarian.
When she decided to enter the paid workforce after my youngest sister started school, she was told she was wrong to want more than just the welfare of her family.
She saw the tide change from one of disapproval of moms who worked outside of the home to moms being criticized for choosing to stay home.
Then it was my turn.
I always thought that what my mom and others were fighting for was the chance for women to make their own decisions.
And, I think that’s where the problem lies.
If we are lucky enough to have a choice, it’s hard to choose. We never are sure if we are doing “it” right. We look for outside validation.
When our children are little how fast they walk or talk or how much or how little they eat can become the things dreams or nightmares are made of when talking to other moms at the playground.
As they get older, it’s the grades they get, or how many activities and sports they excel at, or what college they get into that can seem to be the yardstick moms are measured against.
But then our baby may smile at us, or our teenager gives us a hug just because.
They giggle and look happy and all of sudden, for one moment, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of our decision, it only matters what the child staring back at us thinks.
Because, we are the only mom they have, and for them, that’s enough.
One of your best posts. It is amazing that it doesn’t matter how much we do for our kids, they just want US. Happy Mother’s Day. XO
Thanks so much Val!!! You are right, our kids just want us. I think the happier we are the more we can give to our children whether we are working in or out of the home. Love you!
:*) Kathy, every single one of your posts brings tears to my eyes. Beautiful!
Happy, Happy Mother’s Day, my friend. I hope your day was wonderful!
I don’t doubt for a second that your job is the best one there is out there.
Thank you for sharing this! Touched my heart.
Xoxoxo
Maria
Thank you so much my dear friend!! I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s day! xoxo
Happy Mother’s Day! (from my non-possessed desktop!) I’m glad I’m not the only one watching the past few weeks unfold in dumbfounded amazement. It’s bad enough when it happens on a smaller scale – but the media circus is unsettling. The tsk tsking about silly things like types of diapers, methods of feeding or sleeping arrangements is ridiculous, and heartbreaking. Now its swipes at lifestyle choices. It’s pitting women against each other, which is so not cool.
I think that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. (and I know that so many days I already feel inadequate, and don’t need a magazine to reinforce my thinking!) I never thought I’d be a stay at home mom, but now, I couldn’t imagine anything else. I also know that many other women would be horrified to live my life.
All this bickering can’t possibly be what our mothers fought for. Thanks for a wonderful post – how perfect for mother’s day.
-Catherine
You had me laughing when you said your choice was right for you, but that other women would be horrified by your life. I feel that way too!! I totally agree, the media fueled pitting of women is so disappointing and not what our mothers fought for us. Every choice requires us to actually choose, and that is never easy!!! xoxo
Oh my, I felt the same way! When I went to tell the school principal that I was not coming back the following school year, I was pretty sad… and then even cried! I wanted to do this. I wanted to be home… but at the same time, i knew the commitment that I was making. My heart was torn… But I do not regret it today. I do not regret my choice. And to this day, i am grateful that Bill told me that I was making the right choice for my family. It is so nice to have an understanding boss, isn’t it? that was another reason why it was hard to leave this school. Good principals are hard to come by. 🙂 Being a mom is an amazing job…. one that I often wish I could quit when they days are rough. But in the end, I am thrilled to be a mom. I love the hugs, the kisses, the questions, the excitement when we go somewhere together. My children… all mine and I am the one who guides them through the ups and downs. I am there to drop them off at school and the one they run to after school when I pick them up. I love that feeling! Happy Mother’s day to you Kathy! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story.
-Steph
It is hard to choose, especially when you are happy in your job. I so agree with the feeling of wanting to quit the job sometimes! That is why I feel all moms, whether they work in or out of the house need to come together, we all know that feeling. Thanks so much for stopping by Steph!! xoxo
I’m so out of it that i didn’t realize working v. stay-at-home moms was in the news. It really is such a conflict and I don’t understand why women are so hard on each other. It is a tough thing, regardless of what you do. Staying home is really hard, hard work. Working full time when you have kids is really hard too.
Thanks for the wonderful post!
Thea you are lucky you have been out of the loop, it really is so silly. You are also right that whatever we choose both are really hard work. That is why I would love to see us work together and support each other. The job is tough enough without us battling each other! Thanks so much for stopping by and lending your always appreciated voice and support!!! Hope you had a great Mother’s day!! Much love!!
I love this post!!!! SO HONEST AND OPEN!!
I made that same choice 11 years ago– I was a pre-K teacher, so $$ was not really an issue–I knew I wasn’t really going to loose out there-the cost of child care/and $$ I spent on the class would have eaten about 80% of my pay.
But the social life is where I struggled a lil–I love the way you put it afraide”brain cells would disappear from watching all the children’s programs”–darn telly tubbies-again again again!!! AUHG!!!!!
But looking back after all this time –I knew for me IT WAS A MUST!! I can appericate that its not for everone…but its a choice I’ll never regreat.
It was the social interaction I missed too! I think that’s why I went so crazy structuring my day with my son when he was a baby. I needed the company of other women. It is a choice, one that is so personal and filled with so many variables. It’s so great to read everyone’s comments about the need for all of us to come together and stop judging each other!! Thanks again!! xo
I’ve worked on both sides of the fence, and I’ve heard all the criticism from both my working mom friends and my stay at home working mom friends. It’s hurtful because our goal is (or should be) the common one of raising happy, well-adjusted children, but so much of our time is spent judging each other. There are pros and cons to each, and neither one is 100% full-proof.
Amen Jenn!!! You are so right!! Thanks so much for saying it so well!! xoxo
Wonderful post Kathy. It took me 5 yrs to have my baby with 1 failed IVF, an ectopic and a mini stroke so I knew that I was not going to return to work. Everyone thinks being a SAHM is an easy job. Its tough, lonely at times but very rewarding and I am thankful that we are able to do it.
I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!
I do think my choice would have been different had I not gone through so much to have my first, especially since it was available to me. Working so hard to just have the baby did put me on a different road. Not better or worse just different. Thanks so much for the visit and the great comment! xo
I love the flow of this wonderful post! It is so wonderful that you found a way for this to work for you!
Thanks so much for the visit and kind words!! I was very lucky that I have been able to make this work for me!! Take care!! xo
During Melissa’s first year, I had the best of both worlds. I worked Tuesday through Thursday, then stayed at home with her Friday, Sat., Sun, and Monday. By the time Tuesday rolled around, I was desperate for adult interaction, By the time Friday rolled around, I was desperate for my baby. A year later, my hubby started his own business, and a pesky necessity like health insurance forced me to go full time, and I never looked back. There have been so many times when I wished I could have stayed home, but financially, it just wasn’t feasible. But now, I look at Melissa, and she is a happy, well adjusted kid so I guess I did ok. The point is, it is such a personal decision – nobody has any right to tell a mom what to do, if she loves her kids, they will be fine!
Lisa you bring up a really important issue, I have so many friends that went back to the office because of insurance or other benefits. The way our world is structured it’s not always a matter of choosing what we want, but rather what we need for our family. The same can be said for those who leave careers or jobs they love after a second or third baby because the “cost” of working does not pay for them. These are issues I would love to see resolved and dealt with. I often think the reason the argument is so often fueled by the media and others is that if we stop fighting ourselves maybe we would have time to actually deal with affordable health care and child care! Thanks for the great comment and visit! oxo
Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you had a wonderful day with family and friends. Blessings to you 🙂
Thanks Barbara! Hope you had a great Mother’s day too!
Working for me seems worlds away now that I’m at home. Not sure I could juggle both anymore anyway and most days, I’m really happy I’m at home. I volunteer now so that keeps me busy and let’s me have my schedule the way I want it which is nice. I know I’m really fortunate and I’m very grateful. Happy Belated Mother’s day, Kathy!
My sister works outside the home, her husband stays home with their young boys. I see her struggle and juggle and am amazed at how she handles not only a very powerful and demanding job but then comes home and is really there for her boys. She has amazing children! It’s why I’m so passionate about these stupid mommy wars. There are so many of us who are just doing our best with the choices we have made and really are doing an amazing job. I know there is no one way to mother! Thanks so much for your great comment and visit!
I have been a SAHM for 6 years and I love it, I used to work when I first had my kiddies, because my MIL was the one who watched all my babies, but when I had to go on bed rest with my 5th baby in 2006 I knew I was going to stay home after he was born, and it happened and I never looked back. I am very grateful that I can stay home, its a beautiful blessing. Wonderful post Kathy!
Thanks so much Pamela! I always love to read your comments!
It’s always hard making those big decisions! And it doesn’t really seem easier when you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the right thing – life is tricky! It takes a really strong person to focus happily on the direction they choose, regardless of what everyone around them is thinking or saying.
And I’m sure you’re right – all your kids want is you:)
Thanks agin for sharing such a well-written post,
Kristina 🙂
Thanks Kristina! You are right, in the long run it really is what we think of the choices we make and not what anyone else thinks about them. Thanks again! xo
What’s the most important is what you’ve already said: A woman needs options and the permission to exercise them. And as women, we need to not judge others!
Amen to that!! Thanks!
Our lives are so similar, and we’ve both fallen into the world of blogging!
It’s funny how that all works out. Blogging as been a great way for me to dip my toe back into the “real” world! Thanks so much for the visit and comment!
Great thoughts Kathy! Our kids need us to stop worrying about the ‘right’ way to parent and engage in parenting them. Everybody’s got an opinion but it doesn’t seem so important in the light of our children’s love!
Beck you said it perfectly! Everyone does have an opinion but nobody can speak for what is right for us or our children!! xo
I seriously remember all of these emotions and feelings when I became a SAHM and how I was sure I needed to go back to work, until I realized you/WE were meant to do this job. It’s not for everyone (some days I still dont think it’s for me) but it is by far the most rewarding job I’ll ever have.
Katherine for me it’s been the most rewarding job I have ever had too. But you are right, it’s not for everybody and I think that is more than okay too. Thanks so much for the visit! I always love to see your comments here!! xo
It’s a tough road, whichever road is taken. Staying at home or working outside the home and doing both are equally challenging. I was the work outside the home and mom kind of mother. Personally I don’t think one is right or wrong or better or worse because it’s unique to the woman and the family. I am a better woman and mother because I work outside the home – it’s the truth. Yet, now that I’ve written my first novel and working on the the second one, I am thinking I want the first to sell so I can start yet another chapter of my life and be a stay at home author. 🙂
Brenda you are so right, it is a tough road whatever road we take. I hope that we as mom’s can make whatever road someone decides to take a bit easier by supporting each other rather than indulging in these silly mommy wars! I’m sending great energy and happy thoughts so that the next chapter of your life becomes what you want it to be, I think being a stay at home author sounds wonderful!!! 🙂
I think that no matter what you choose, being a working mom or a stay at home mom, that everyone has moments of self doubt. As a working mom, I struggle to be able to do everything. But it all seems to work out eventually, and my child is happy and healthy. I am grateful for everything that I have-family and career alike. I think that you made the right choice for yourself and that is great.
You are so right, I think we all have moments of self-doubt whatever road we take. I’m so glad you have found a great balance between work outside the home and work inside the home! A happy, healthy child seems to be the best result we could get no matter what we choose! I’m so glad your choice has worked out so well for you and your family! Thanks so much for the great input!
The trip to the Mommy-hood can be a lonely and scary one. I experienced so many of the same feelings when I started staying at home. I battled a “less than” feeling almost constantly. Eventually I realized He was “more than”. He was more than enough to satisfy my need for recognition. He was more than enough to fill the spaces of my heart. I’m so thankful I eventually found my more than in Him.
Thanks so much Shannon!! Love you!
I relate to so much of what you shared… wow! I worked in the Corp. World for many years, and when I left I left! I gave up the corner office and turned in my 2 inch heels and never looked back. When I take away work and replace it with not wanting to lose me ~wambam boom! I did not know how to be a me and a Mom… at the same time! Asking for help, talking with other Moms and finding what I like and what I don’t and my blog has really helped me in so many ways I never thought possible.
Like someone else mentioned… I just loved the way your story flowed and you are right… we Moms are enough and them that is all that matters! I so very much enjoyed visiting.
Thanks so much for the visit and great comment! Finding other moms was crucial for me too, I don’t know if I would have been able to stay home had I not found great women to walk the road with me. And for me, my blog has been a great bridge between my full, crazy, little ones at my feet time to all three of my kids being in school full time. Thanks again for dropping by!!
I can so relate to crying when you went to see your boss. When I left the Navy I was all teary. I was going to miss my “boss” too. haha Ahh, but it’s nice to be REAL, not what articles claim is “the right thing”. 😉
I was similar, I didn’t like to cook, and clean? blah I got by. It was only after my second child that being a stay at home mom really started to grow on me.
As always, a really nice post. I do look forward to your posts each Sunday. Always so interesting, and so well written. 😀
Thanks you for your kind words and your great input. It really is hard to leave one chapter for another, we never really know what is the right choice for us till we get there! Much love! xo