A few weeks ago, the kids and I were on my bed laughing and joking while watching TV.
My youngest, Peter, was hugging me while my daughter Lizzy was trying to tickle me with her feet. She’s only 10, but her feet are as big as mine.
I was grateful to have all my chickens around me.
Tom was sitting on the bed, trying to act a bit more mature at 13 than his younger sister and brother. But he was still laughing and kidding around.
I’m not sure who started it, but all of a sudden we started to talk about the possibility of going back in time.
I was pretty clear that I would not want to go back to my youth. I let my kids know I was very happy with my life and them.
“Mom, you wouldn’t want to go back in time at all? Maybe when you were 20?”
“Gosh, no. I wouldn’t want to be 20 again for all the tea in China.”
Memories of a young woman afraid to speak up for herself while being yelled at in acting school came flooding back.
High heels, black coffee, and feeling out of place defined my life.
I snapped back to the present as Peter started to crawl up to me to say he needed a hug. I was so happy to be with my kids.
“But, mom, I’ve seen pictures of you back then, you looked good at 20, so pretty and in shape.You wouldn’t want to go back to that time?”
Well, maybe not that happy to be with my kids.
I looked at Tom and laughed. Hysterically.
Fearing that he may have hurt me, he back-peddled a bit. “Not that you don’t look good now.”
“It’s OK, Tom. I know I don’t look like I did when I was 20.”
Then I really freaked him out.
“I still wouldn’t want to go back.”
He looked completely baffled.
Not wanting to totally upset the order in his world, I added that it would be nice to feel more in shape and perhaps have a bit more energy like I did when I was younger.
He laughed with me and seemed satisfied with my answer.
The truth is, I don’t want to be 20 again.
Though I wouldn’t mind being able to party all night and then go to work in the morning without skipping a beat. Or loose five pounds just by switching from eating a muffin to a bagel in a week.
True, I don’t look like I did when I was in my twenties, or even my thirties. At 46, I’m showing my age a bit. But even with all that, I still wouldn’t want to be a day younger than I am today.
Along with my gray hair, wrinkles, and thicker waistline, I’m also stronger, physically and mentally, then I was before.
I can pick up a seven-year-old Peter and carry him over a puddle with the ease of lifting a feather. I go up and down the stairs so many times in one day that I should have the calves of a super model. And, when I do manage to get to the gym, I handle the equipment and have more stamina then I did when I was 30.
I speak my mind without hesitating, and I do it without butterflies in my stomach.
My priorities are clear, and I’m comfortable letting others know what they are.
At 46 I no longer worry what people think of me.
It amazes and even saddens me that in my twenties and even some of my thirties, my day could be made or broken by what someone said to me on the subway.
I would obsess over what coworkers or friends thought. Walking down a Manhattan street was always cause to feel insecure about my looks, even though I spent my pre-child years at a perfect weight for me.
Two pounds up could make or break whether I would leave the house. I worried over the way I looked like the way I now worry over my daughter and her myriad physical and developmental problems.
What I looked like was of vital importance. And, no matter how good someone said I looked it was never good enough for me.
I chased the idealized version of what a woman should look like and could tell you a list of my faults as easily as I now recite the phone numbers of my kids’ doctors, or Lizzy’s medications.
Yesterday as I walking out of the gym, very sweaty, not a stitch of make-up on except my precious lipstick, I realized that the desire to look good remained.
What has changed is the overwhelming pressure to be perfect.
I’m at a point in my life where I really like and accept who I am, the good and bad.
It didn’t come easy though.
I have often joked that I have spent the equivalent of a small house on therapy. I also am married to a man who loves me for who I am and not just what I look like.
That’s good because after having my third baby at 39 and going through all the stress of having two children with a variety of learning issues and especially all that has been involved in dealing with Lizzy’s special needs, this old gray mare ain’t what she use to be.
I wish I could go back to the younger woman I was and let her know that the world will still spin on it’s axis because the scale says 126 instead of 125 one day.
I think of all the time I spent obsessing on what someone thought of me, or if I said something stupid to somebody and I want to cry for that young girl.
There were so many things I could have done with all that time and energy. So many passions I could have explored, yet didn’t.
Becoming a mother changed me in more ways than I could ever say, but it’s the strange gift of dealing with my kids special issues that was my real transformation.
I wouldn’t wish the pain of watching Lizzy scream uncontrollably and not know who I am, or the hours we have spent watching her endure test after test on anyone. Five MRIs have revealed extensive brain damage, but not one doctor can tell us why.
And it’s no day at the beach to watch Tom work so hard studying only to still fail a test because of his dyslexia or see how hard Peter has to work some days just to get out a clear sentence.
But it sure puts life in perspective.
I don’t sweat the small stuff so much. It’s not nearly as important as it once was.
True, I don’t look like I once did.
But I’m not afraid of my own shadow anymore either.
The young woman who was so afraid to speak up for herself bears no resemblance to the woman who has no problem speaking her mind to anyone.
Whether I’m discussing a treatment plan with one of my daughters doctors or something that my son needs to make school easier, I’m confident in my ability as an advocate for my kids.
There was a time when the mere act of asking a bank teller for my own money could make me want to faint.
I would be lying if I said I don’t want to get back to a more comfortable and healthy size. I do. I miss being able to walk into a store I love and know that things will look good on me.
It’s reassuring to see the scale start to move down, even if it’s at a snail’s pace. I feel good when I take a minute to breathe before reaching for a cookie or a piece of chocolate. I love going to the gym and doing more today then I did yesterday.
I miss the feeling of being at my best. Yet what I look like, and what others think of me no longer defines me.
At 46 I feel freer to be who I am than who people want me to be.
I see possibilities and opportunities everywhere I look, and I no longer fear success.
At 13, I don’t expect Tom to totally understand all that. Every day he is bombarded with images of what “beauty” looks like and what “hot” is.
I do hope though that my feelings and attitude will affect how he views the world and shape what matters as he gets started on life.
If only a little bit.
It is amazing how age can bring more wisdom. Not it ALL people, but most. I was a shy person, I couldn’t even order Taco Bell, I was so shy! I kept my first receipt of when I did get the guts to. lol After having joined the Military, I gained more bravery. There are things I would change about my past. And it’s so true, I wouldn’t want to change who I am now, but I wouldn’t mind being the weight I was back then. Ahh yes those were the days. But that girl didn’t have the wisdom or experiences I have now. 🙂 Age can be good, as long as we take the lessons and learn from them. 🙂
I love that you kept the receipt! I can only imagine what your time in the Military gave you, what an accomplishment! There is something to be said for wisdom and experience! Thanks so much for dropping by, I so appreciate it!! xo
I don’t want to go back to be 20, but I wouldn’t mind going back to say 16 and spending a lot of time telling the younger me what’s really important and what’s not. Although, if I hadn’t made all the stupid mistakes I did, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I probably wouldn’t have the five kids that I have.
Thea I have often wondered if the 16 year old me would have listened to the older me. I’m not thrilled about all my stupid mistakes too, but you are right I too would not be the person I am today! I think 5 children is a pretty big accomplishment!! I don’t know how you ever had the time to learn quilting!! Thanks as always for the visit!! xo
Kathy, I couldn’t agree with you more. With age and experience comes wisdom, something we have both earned. Your children are a gift to you – they have given you so much! I so understand because it has also taken me such a long time to just accept myself for who I am. I wish there was not so much pressure on women to be perfect. You are such a beautiful writer and a beautiful person Kathy – thanks for sharing a piece of yourself!
Thanks so much Lisa! There is so much pressure, especially on girls in their teens and early twenties. I’m sure you have some great insight on raising girls through this time since you had some experience with your Step-daughter and are now in the middle of it with your daughter. It’s a hard time, but then you come out of it and your realize just how much value you really have! Thanks for all the lovely comments! I really appreciate the support!
wish age would bring me more wisdom. Sometimes, its the small things that gets to me. I feel very irritated. Guess, i would have to learn to control those elements
Age does bring wisdom, you are right!! But you are also right that it can be the small things that can really drive us nuts, in my experience they are easier to find and deal with then the really big things that require us to really work to change! I never really like that part myself!! Lol!!
20?!? Oh god no. I am finding that I can hear my “Eureka!” moments more clearly. I can listen to what they offer. Another beautiful piece my friend. XO
Val you are so right, we can hear the moments more clearly as we age. Maybe we have less noise in our head! Thanks as always my dear friend!! xoxo
I wouldn’t want to be 20 again either…I know I’m still a ‘baby’ at 25, but I can’t wait to get all the wisdom that comes with age. The last 5 years have been crazy, in terms of how I’ve changed, and my self confidence has definitely taken a turn for the better. I too used to be so scared about what everyone else thought…now I’m only a little scared, but before I know it, nothing anyone says about me will get me like it used to. Life is strange…it feels like yesterday I was 15 and tomorrow I’m going to blink and I’ll be 50. Oh well; what’s life without aging?
25 was much better for me than the late teens early 20’s. At 25 I started to feel slightly more secure, 30 was much better and now at 4 years to 50 I really feel unstoppable! Lol! And you are so right, you will blink and you will be my age. Of course than that would put me in my 60’s so I’m not going to dwell on that my friend!! Lol!! Thanks as always for your feedback! You are the best!
Oh Kathy, another gorgeous post. I wouldn’t want to be 20 again either. Not for a second. I relate to you so much.
And admire you so much.
Thank you for all you supportive words, inspiration and encouragement. Your thoughts and prayers mean SO much to me.
You are a beautiful friend.
Love you.
Xoxox
Maria
My sweet, sweet friend!! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!!! Thank you so much for dropping by! Much love to you!!! xoxo
I won’t want to go back either. I think people can be so much better lookin on the inside as they age and learn more about themselves.
I so agree, there is a real beauty that starts to shine through as we get older! I always thought that too, not just since I got older!! Lol!! I just never applied that to myself!! Lol! Thanks so much for the visit, I always appreciate your great comments! xo
Kathy, as always… an amazing post. I so agree with you. I wouldn’t want to go back in time… Sure, I would love to lose the gray hair (without the help of the dye) as well as the laugh lines, but at 38 I am happier than I ever was. 20’s were horrible. I had a lot of the same feelings you did (I think most of us do)
I think you are right Hilary, a lot of us feel the same way, it’s just nobody ever really talks about it till we all get older so so many of us feel all alone!! I loved my late 30’s, the best is yet to come my dear friend!!! xoxo
Such a well written post, Kathy. I wouldn’t want to go back to those years either, even after all the drama I’ve been through the past decade or so. All the chaos is what made me who I am today. I’m stronger mentally and I know I would never have survived a half marathon in my 20’s — I didn’t have the heart like I do now. Now, I can say I’m a survivor. One who overcomes.
Hugs,
~Rosann
Thank you so much Rosann! It’s so true too, isn’t it, even with all the chaos that can come as we get older and deal with the grown up problems, somehow it just seems so much more doable than all the so-called little problems of our youth! You are a wonderful survivor!! And a great friend!! xoxo
I spent much of my twenties desperately wanting to be a mom, trying so hard to get pregnant. Looking back, I can’t imagine being the mom I am now–then. I am where I was supposed to be all along. I wish I could have told my 20-something self that…I would have saved her some tears!
It’s so true Melissa, we can spend so much time trying to get somewhere that we can’t enjoy what we have! It’s can be a challenge!
You are so amazing Kathy. Truly, you are. I think it’s incredible that you can have these reflective conversations with your children and be able to share and show them what the true importance of life is. I am grateful I figured it out at a young age and hope that I’ll be able to continue to enjoy the true beauty in life, my family. Love to you!!!
I think it is so great that you were able to figure it out too!!! You seem to be on a great path to always enjoying your beautiful family!!! Much love to you!!
Good for you!! I wouldn’t go back either!
Warmest regards,
Joy
http://www.PardonMyPoppet.com
Thanks for dropping by!!!
I don’t think I’d want to go back either. While getting older I’ve also learned what’s important in life. I don’t need to be dressed up in full make up to go to the store, I can go to the gym just a few days a week, I like to spent time with my friends but enjoy being in bed at 10:30. Great post!
There are some very nice advantages to getting older!! I don’t know how I ever was able to be up all night and then go to work the next day! And I’m impressed, 10:30, you are a party girl!! Lol!! Those party till 3:00 days are all but a memory now!!! Lol!
Ok, I had to delete that last comment, because there were so many misspelled words, it wasn’t funny. I got my nails done for the very first time ever 2 weeks ago (with my 2 girls), and I cannot type in them 🙂
Like you, I don’t want to go back to my 20’s. I have never cared what others think of me (even as a teen) & I have never been big on makeup, clothes, or cared how I looked. Of course, I could eat anything I wanted back then & not gain an ounce & that is not the case anymore. But, like you, back then I let people walk all over me. I had a problem saying “no” when friends or family asked for favors. I still have a problem with that, but I have gotten better.
Stopping by from VoiceBoks!
Thanks Laura! Saying no is a challenge so many of us ladies seem to have! I say it better today though! Thanks again!
I’ll be 46 on Sunday, and like you, I wouldn’t dream of trading it to have 20 back again!
Thanks for a wonderful post.
Happy Birthday!!! 46 has been great so far Catherine!! Enjoy!
Isn’t it great when you feel happiest, just where you are?! Not many people can say that unfortunately. I really liked the optimism in your post.
Thanks so much for the visit and kind words!
I would NOT want to do 20 again! I just reached a hair past 40 and I was shocked that I still wanted to celebrate, did not go to bed for weeks because of that number the way I assumed I would even in my 30’s. I am healthier now than I was back then. I am definitely much more confident. Oh I do still obsess about the three (and more coming) white eyebrows that are encroaching and on a hunt for white hairs in the head. Maybe that is a part of my genetic makeup, I don’t know. But you are right. With age comes a certain wisdom that I never would have believed existed long ago.
Thanks so much for the kind words and visit! Life begins at 40, or so they say!! Lol!
I must say I agree with you. I feel better now than I ever have even though it’s true…the thought of a donut puts a pound on it seems! I would go back for a day if I was guaranteed I could come back to things exactly as they are now. It would be even neater to go back with the mindset I have now…not caring what anyone thinks. Now that could be fun!
Susan I sometimes wonder if I went back would I do it differently. I’d like to think I would, but I’m not sure! Take care! xoxo
What an amazingly awesome post, Kathy. Pretty soul bearing and emotional. While I’m a guy, so weight was never really an issue, I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety of talking to people or wondering what they’re thinking. I was definitely the real shy one back in my younger days. And I agree 100% on the “kids put everything in perspective” comment too. I wouldn’t want to go back to my 20s. I’m actually in better shape now than I was then. I’m happier mentally. I’m in the healthiest relationship of my life with my wife. Just in such a great place all around, so why go back?
Keep up the awesome writing and the inspiration!
Thanks so much for the compliments!! Always feels good! My 40’s have been pretty good for me too. There was so much more angst at 20, oddly though, no much to have angst over!! Thanks again!
I love this post. I was smiling and tearing at the same time. Would I go back? NO! Not Ever.
Taylor thanks so much!!! It’s great to see you! What is it that they say, youth is wasted on the young!! Lol! xo
Great post Kathy. There are so many things to comment on. I really hadn’t thought about it yet with teaching Christopher at age seven what beauty is. With his young self he drives me nuts looking at old pictures wishing my hair was “like that”. I am certainly more relaxed in my 41 year old self than I was even at 37. I’d like to tell my 37 year old self who worried about three pounds to sit down and shut up. It seems like I get groped on more with love handles than I did without. So its all good. 😉
I loved you comment Kenya!! Christopher always cracks me up!! Without getting to personal, I have not made at too badly either in the groping department. Life is not bad at all!
Oh my goodness, I wouldn’t want to be 20 again either!! I was waaaaaay too young at that age (weren’t we all). I suppose I’m still young, but I wouldn’t trade what I know now – as right this very minute – for anything (or anyone).
Thanks so much for the visit my dear friend!! xo
I love, love, love, this post Kathy! The thought of wasting all those hours on my hair being frizzy or my never-ending pimples…you are sooooooo right! (Of course, I was “on the market” back then.) I do not want to go back to 20! Give me a ponytail holder and concealer and I’m good to go (at 43, soon to be 44). (And I guess a loving husband who seems to not mind my aging process also helps.)
I guess it’s different when you are on “the market”!!! Lol!! Yes, I know it helps that I have Joe too, good thing we both married really nice guys who love us for who we are!! And I love your headband look!!! Much love to you my dear friend!!! xoxo
I know exactly what you mean. It’s amazing how I worried about my looks back when I was the perfect weight and now that I have stretch marks and extra pounds, I am more confident than ever. 🙂
It’s so strange isn’t it!! As a mom and an aunt to girls I hope I can give them a little bit of my wisdom. I don’t know if they will listen but maybe a tiny bit will get in. I know I wasted so much energy on what I looked like!! Thanks so much for dropping by!! xoxo
You are so inspiring and such a sweet mama. Since my mama is gone, will you adopt me so I can curl up on your bed, laugh and giggle, and get mama hugs again? This has got to be one of your top 10 posts. Thanks Sweetie!
Only if you will adopt me right back!!!! Thanks so much for the lovely comments my dear friend!! Much love to you!! xoxo
I’ll start the papers now…but if I adopt you and you adopt me can you be the mom and I’ll be the kid?
Very well said and oh how I can relate! Going back to 20 is something I would never want to do. Ever.
Gosh! I just want to go back to yesterday and get more sleep! 🙂
I identify with so much of what you’ve said… I am so happy, content and exactly where I want to be more than at any other time in my life! If I could turn back the clock, it most certainly wouldn’t be to my 20’s, and for that I am incredibly grateful. I spent many years wishing and regretting it feels comfortable to be in my own skin, today! If there was one thing I could change that would be seeking help with depression sooner than I did, but other than that… notta!
“At 46 I feel freer to be who I am than who people want me to be.” ~Amen to that, sister!!!!
I’m 43 and totally get what you are saying. however, at 23 I know I had different ideas of beauty. Our beliefs tend to change with age. As long as you are instilling in him what true beauty is, he’ll eventually embrace it….or not 🙂
I’m 44 and I wouldn’t go back either, Kathy! I love the confidence and self-esteem that I have at this age compared to when I was twenty!