Being a daughter has never been easy for me. As hard as it may be to believe, I have always been a control freak and have never taken kindly to being told what to do. Even has a child I was always convinced I knew better than my own mother.
This complicated our relationship a bit.
Becoming a mom myself has softened our relationship. Having a teenager has made me eternally grateful that she did not sell me.
I originally published this piece last year, May 29, 2011 titled Touchstones. Since it’s always been one of my favorites, I’m glad to re-visit it for Mother’s day.
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Each day I do the “morning tango.” First, I get my daughter on her bus, blow her a kiss, return to the front door, and then come back out again with my youngest. After he gets on his bus with a kiss and a smile, once again I go into the house only to come back out half an hour later to drive my oldest son to middle school.
Each time, I dash in and out of my door, I get to see a little piece of my childhood and one of my most treasured possessions… my quartz rock.
The rock sits among shrubs from our home’s previous owners and some flowers and perennials I planted. At about a foot long, the rock blends in with its surroundings and also stands out as something special and unique.
Just like it did when it was in my mother’s garden. First in the house we lived in until I was 9 and then at the house my parents remain in today.
As a young girl, I loved sitting outside and daydreaming among the flowers my mother carefully tended. I would imagine the rock as a large diamond fit for a princess or a magical crystal that held the secrets of the world. It could be whatever I wanted it be.
Yet it was special and beautiful in its own right–catching sunlight and throwing off rainbows.
I was never clear how my mom got the unusual stone. As a child, I loved to think of all the mysterious places it could come from. Years later, I learned my mother’s uncle found it on his travels and gave it to my grandmother, who then gave it to my mom.
I can still remember my mom weeding and planting her little rock garden in the front of our first house. Neighbors would stop by and chat with her, telling her the latest news or gossip. Many people commented on the unusual quartz.
My mother was so young and beautiful. I loved to talk to her whenever she was gardening. My mom was always on the run with many obligations, PTA president, ambulance corps volunteer, church obligations, or helping a friend. I had a lot of competition for her time.
I loved that for the time she was in her garden, she could be mine. I would sing to her or just chat about my day.
When we moved, the rock went with us. I would see it in the new garden and take comfort that at least something was the same.
Once we moved, my mother started working in real estate and her time became even more precious, but she would still find time to putter in her garden and the rock, my sisters, and I would be there.
I wonder what my children will use as their touchstone to me as they grow older. Will the rock have some significance to them? Or will they remember me obsessively going over the rose bushes and getting mad at any aphids nervy enough to eat my beloved flowers?
Or the times they come with me to cut my flowers and then sit with me as I make a flower arrangement for one of their teachers, a friend, or just for them.
Will the sight of a book I read to them bring them back to a happy time in their life as they remember the silly voices I used to make the characters come alive? Or the songs I sang to them when I rocked them to sleep?
Will the sound of fingers on a keyboard remind them of me sitting in my room typing my blog? Will they remember sitting on my bed, watching TV, arguing with each other until I yell, “For the love of all that is holy, knock it off.”
What is the legacy I will leave my children? What memory will comfort them when I no longer can?
The years are rolling on, and my face is looking more like my mother’s. As much as I am my own person, I notice some of my mom’s mannerisms seeping into mine. Time is moving on, and we are getting older. I know one day I am going to look outside and the rock will be something that comforts me when my mom no longer can.
One day I will not be able to call my mom up and ask her to watch the kids, reserve a machine at the gym, or go for a cup of coffee. At that point, our infamous arguments and fights will no longer matter. Who got what, or who said what to who, will cease to matter. All I will have left is a crystal rock and the memory of the beautiful mother who I adored yet could not always understand.
Thankfully, I still have today to make a call.
An absolutely beautiful piece. I love that you have the stone in your garden now. It is a good reminder to me as well. I think both of our kids will remember us with cell phones and keyboards, I need to change that up. XO
Thanks so much Val!! Yes, I do think our kids are going to remember us attached to our keyboards and cell phones, but they will remember other things too, hopefully, or we will both be spending a lot of money on therapy for our kids!!! xo Love to you!
Kathy, what a touching story. I’m sure with the amazing mom you are, your kids will have so many touchstones to remember you by! Plus, they’ll have all these wonderful stories on your blog!
Thanks so much Jennifer! It’s true that all of us who write blogs will have something tangible to leave our children. That’s a nice thought!! xo
Oh my goodness! I’m the third to comment, what a miracle. That aside, that was lovely, Kathy. When you mentioned that you noticed her mannerisms seeping into yours, I totally get that. Hate to admit it, but some of my moms are with me too (the ones I usually roll my eyes at).
I suppose life is that way… we strive so hard to be who we think we shouldn’t but end up being that way. Bet our kids will be saying the same thing we are many years down the road.
It is very scary to look in the mirror and see your own mother staring back at you!! And, yes, I know my kids will be saying the same thing about me some day! Lol!! xo
I am sure your children will have wonderful memories of times with you.
I hope so!! Wishing you a wonderful mother’s day!
Beautiful Kathy! Simply beautiful. You have me wondering if my own children feel that competition for my time as I am always doing a hundred things at once it seems. Thank you for the reminder to slow down and take notice. Your children are very, very lucky to have you as their mom and you very luck y to have your mom hold such a special place in your life 🙂
Thank you so much Lynne! You always leave the sweetest comments and make me feel so good!! xo
Timely reminders during this week leading up to Mother’s Day. Thanks for sharing your beautiful memories, sweet friend. Happy Monday! ☺
Thanks so much Larri!! Wishing you a wonderful Mother’s day too sweet friend! xo
Aw, that was way too sweet…made me sniffle. A wonderful tribute to your mom and then of course, to your own kids.
I also see signs of my mother etched into my face when I look in the mirror.
Thank you so much Sharon! It is scary when you look in the mirror and see your own mom!! It does not feel possible for me to be that “old”!! xo
This is a wonderful post Kathy, Just in time for Mothers Day, Love it!
Thanks so much Pamela!!
Kathy, this is such a beautiful tribute to your mother! My mom is getting older and I have often started thinking of her mortality. Each special holiday, special event I wonder, will this be the last. Last year we had my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah and I thought, will this be the last time we are all together for such a special occassion! I hope not. Thanks for a sweet, loving post!
Lisa
Thanks Lisa! I hope we both get a lot more years with our mothers!!
Great post, but I think I like the tag you gave it even better, “Appreciating Mom.” We really don’t do that often enough, do we?
I don’t think we really can appreciate out mothers till we actually become mothers ourselves. Thanks so much!! xo
Thank you for re-sharing. That was beautiful!
Thank you so much!! Happy Mother’s day!
Love.
Thanks so much Amanda!
Hi Kathy, You always write so beautifully. I’d like to share my story with you too. Last year mother’s day my mom fell and we spent the day together in the ER. She has since fell 2 more times and has lung cancer now as well. She is 88. Mom is permanently in a nursing home now, the best one I could find and I am so pleased with the beautiful bright room she has and the very loving staff. I bring my dad who is in the latter stage of Alzheimers Disease to visit her every day. They are so sweet together and get their wheelchairs close together so they can hold hands and smooch. I find myself telling my mom to eat her food, ask if she is warm enough and tell her to take her medicine (God is she sassy) as she used to do for me, and she often rolls her eyes at me as I once did at her. Life has come around. I brought her her new great grand baby Ava to visit her, what joy it brought her. I am thinking this is our last mother’s day so I hope to make it a special one. My love to you my friend. Hope your mother’s Day is wonderful. Love Jodi
I’m so sorry that you have been going through so much. I’m glad to hear your mom is in a comfortable place and that you get to visit her often, she must love seeing baby Ava, as well as your own kids! Wishing you a wonderful Mother’s day!! Much love!
What a great story, K-Rad! I always feel like I say the same thing every time I comment, but your posts are always, well, great! This one almost made me cry though…mothers are so amazing. I love mine so much. We are very lucky to have amazing moms :)!
Thanks my dear friend!! I appreciate your support!! Hope you have a great day with your mom!
I bet your children will have quartz rocks in each of their gardens! And it took having children (and their challenges) to really bring me close to my mom. Great post this Mother’s Day week~
Thanks for the kind words! It’s funny isn’t it, but somehow having your own children really does seem to bring most women closer with their mothers. I have to say my mother is a really great grandmother too, that has been such a gift to see. Thanks so much for dropping by!!
I loved this the first time I read it…a great piece to repeat!
Thanks!! You are such a good friend, and neighbor!!! xoxo
Love this piece Kathy!!!
Thanks so much Pamela!! Wishing you a great Mother’s day!
beautiful Kathy– I had to check my face for a tear 🙂 I was raised by my grandmother and there are so many things that today I can see or smell that reminds me of our days together but the number one thing is Avon’s ( white pearl or pearl) body lotion. You know the old school ones that come in the little jars?! She used you leave that only for special occasions like church or weddings 🙂 Kind of funny but it brings back so many memories
I do remember the Avon body lotion, my aunt always had it in her bathroom too. it is funny the things that can really bring us back. It’s nice to have those memories! Thanks so much for the visit and kind words! xo
Awe… Kathy… You brought tears to my eyes. At the risk of going on and on about my own non-relationship with my mother, I will leave it at that. What a blessing… you have to give to your kids… the wonderful mom that you are. God Bless you and yours.
Thanks Carla. The mother/daughter relationship is really tough!! Sending much love to you this Mother’s day!! xo
I definitely think there is a more tenuous relationship between mothers and daughters than other relationships in the house. Boy, do I remember hearing my mom and sister going at it. Never mind a crystal keepsake, they came this close to throwing rocks at each other. My mom always told my sister they argued so much because they were so similar…that REALLY got my sister going:) The one thing that’s changed now that they’re older?…my sister has learned to hold her tongue:) Nice post.
You had me laughing and remembering with the “They came close to throwing rocks at each other!” I have two sisters, and I have to say my dad really does deserve a special award for that one, and my mom deserves an amazing amount of credit for not killing her children. My mother loves the saying that grandchildren is the reward for not killing your kids!!! Thanks Kenny! I hope your wife has a great Mother’s day!!
What a sweet post. 🙂 I was thinking what would I have to remind me of my mom. I can’t think of any “thing” that would bring such sweet memories that your rock does. I think that is so neat, honestly, that you have that. 🙂
What I will have is just memories. Beautiful memories.
I think if I see a scale, or protein drinks I will remember my mom. I just thought of those now. 😉 She calorie counts like crazy, and loves her protein shakes. If you eat anything HIGH in calories she will say “Do you know how many calories are in THAT?” haha Ahh yes, I love my mom. 🙂 I am sure if I thought hard enough there would be more sweet reminders.
Great post as always, Kathy 🙂
Thanks so much Sarah. It’s funny the things that remind us of people! I hope you have a great mother’s day with your sweet boys!! xo
kathy, your posts always touch me in such a way. i’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. the way you ended it :*)
i bet if your mother reads this she will cry happy tears too.
thank you so much for all your love and support throughout our journey and into this new chapter we’re beginnging.
i’m so happy we “met”…you’re a sweet friend.
and i hope that this mother’s day is a beautiful one for you.
you are a wonderful mother <3
xoxox
maria
Thank you so much for your very sweet words!!! Happy, happy, Mother’s day my very sweet friend!!! Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband and you sweet little blessing!! Be well my friend!!
What a lovely post! Mother’s Day has taken on a whole new meaning to me since my mom died a few years ago. The funny thing is, the things that remind me of her instantly, I never would have thought of before she died. The whole Entemenns (sp?) donut section of the grocery store is like a trip down memory lane each week! Who would have thought?
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry for your loss. It is funny what can bring a person back for us, I love that Entemanns doughnut section brings back memories of your mom for you!!! xo
Beautiful post. The time element and how fast it passes really stings sometimes. I just got back from a trip with my mom and I am so thankful that I went. In the end, memories are all we have. xoxo
You are so right Dani, the time element can really sting at times. Sending much love to you my sweet friend!! xoxo
I always felt the same way. Thinking my way was right and that she was out to drive me crazy. I’ve eased up now that I have my own kids and can’t imagine a world without her in it.
Not sure what legacy I would leave for my kids. Sad to think about.
Love this post Kathy!
I still think my mother’s out to drive me crazy, but then my 13 year old thinks the same of me, so I guess it all goes around in the end!!!Lol!! Thanks so much for the kind words and the visit! Wishing you a great Mother’s day!!
Oh, Kathy, what a beautiful post! I often wonder the same things about my kids. I hope that the things I do will be touchstones for them rather than memories of a busy, stressed mommy. Tonight, as Little E was screaming because he didn’t want to go to bed, I jokingly said, “Oh, I know. You have the meanest mommy around these parts!” Big A came running in and said, “You’re not a mean mommy! You’re never a mean or a bad mommy. Never!” It touched my heart a little, Kathy, and like you, made me wonder what it is they will remember about me when they’re my age. As always, beautiful, thought-provoking post!
Oh I think that is so sweet that your big guy came in and said that!!! They do have a way of getting to us, don’t they Laura?!! Thank you for your very sweet words, they always mean so much to me since I’m such a huge fan of yours!! xo
“What is the legacy I will leave my children? What memory will comfort them when I no longer can?”
Such a wonderful reminder on this Mother’s Day!!
Hope you have a very special day!
I try to remember it when they are driving me crazy Melissa!! By the way some of your posts and FB posts have been really too funny!! Your kids crack me up!!! Happy Mother’s day!! xo
such a beautiful post… and the last line touched me so much…. we all have been there…
Thanks so much Hilary! Hope you are having a great day!
I love this post, Kathy! I often wonder what I’m leaving with my kids. I wonder if they’ll only remember me asking them to clean their room and stop arguing. I hope they’ll remember the good things. Stopping by to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!
Thanks so much Michelle! It’s true, sometimes you do feel like all they are going to remember is telling them to do their homework and stop arguing!!! Also, I think mine are going to remember me always rushing them out of the house!! I know your children will have lovely memories of you!! Wishing you a really wonderful Mother’s day!! Thanks so much for dropping by!! xo