My dishwasher's possessed

one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

After the Vows

By

Like a lot of little girls, I grew up with romantic notions of my wedding day. 


My sisters and I loved to hear my mother tell of her wedding to my father. Her search for the perfect cake and how she designed her own bridal bouquet were stories we loved to hear as we looked over her wedding album.


Long before I met my husband, I spent many hours planning and fantasizing about my flowers, the dress I would wear, and my bridesmaids.


When I did meet my husband and we got engaged, I bought every bridal magazine and read every book on weddings that I could get my hands on. To say I was obsessed would be an understatement.


Thankfully Joe was a great fiance and we had fun planning our wedding.


Our wedding was everything I had hoped it would be, complete with my perfect dress and a gorgeous day. The sun was shining, the birds sang, and I married a man I was, and still am, very much in love with.



It was a great way to start our life together.



But a wedding is not a marriage. Once the reception is over and the dress is packed away there is a life to live.


Together. As a couple. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.


That’s pretty daunting.


Another thing that is daunting is that this week will mark our nineteenth wedding anniversary.


Is their a secret to staying married this long?


It seems whenever I read an article or a book about a perfect couple and their secrets to a long marriage, a few months later I read about how the same couple is now going through the perfect divorce.


Marriage is tough. If it wasn’t, 50 percent wouldn’t end in divorce.  


I will say the one thing that has helped us out over the years is our ability to laugh at ourselves and whatever life throws our way.


The time that sticks out the most for me is ten years ago when Joe and I were driving to our new home. 


We were getting ready to move in and packing up the house we had been renting in Queens. All of a sudden I had a thought and just started to laugh hysterically.

“Why are you laughing?” Joe said, starting to laugh himself.

“Well, I was just thinking. You know how when something bad happens in your life, and you say to yourself, ‘Well, it could be worse. I could be so-and-so.’ 


“Yes.”


“You do realize that everyone who got laid off in your office is saying to themselves today, ‘It could be worse. I could be Joe and his wife!'”


Then we both just started hysterically laughing.

We had just bought our first house; we had a two-and-half-year-old son; and I was five months pregnant with our daughter.

Five days after we closed on a $300,000 mortgage, my husband was painting the bedrooms so we could move in. Then his boss called at 9:00 p.m.


The bursting of the dot.com bubble was taking a toll on the publishing business, and my husband’s company decided it was time to cut back. 


The cutbacks consisted of the head of the online business and 30 employees, including my husband’s boss and, of course, my husband.

Most people would not be laughing at this point in life, and trust me, I had many, many sleepless nights and panicked days. 


But, as serious as it was, it was almost comical that this was happening to us.

We had saved for eight years to buy our house because we wanted to be completely prepared for the purchase. Joe and I were famous for saying: You never know, you could buy a house one day and lose your job the next!

The dark humor in the situation was just too much. Even in my most panicked state, I had to admit it was funny. I kept thinking of the phrase, “We plan, God laughs.”

I don’t believe that God sits up in heaven and says, “Gee. Kathy and Joe have planned out everything so nicely. They are expecting their second child. They just bought the house. Good for them. You know, I’m a little bored, why don’t I just yank the rug from underneath them and see what they do.”

But, life sure does have a way of twisting and turning. For me, it helps to believe that when I have a strong fear or feeling about something, it’s my way of saying to God or the universe, this is something I need to work on.

Now my husband thinks my feelings are crazy when it comes to this issue. As he sees it, life is random, and faith is there to help you ride it out.

Even though we view things differently, we were able to weather the storm together. We had some savings left, and my husband’s skills as a writer meant he could freelance while looking for a new job. Plus, we’re fortunate to have great parents and strong family support.

At times, we panicked and said, “Why us?” But most times, we saw what we needed to do and did it, and we laughed… a lot more than we cried.

I wouldn’t want to go through it again, but the experience of living through one of your worst fears is a powerful gift. And I think it’s one of the best ones we can pass on to our kids.


How to survive when the world seems to be caving in on you is a gift my husband and I received from our own parents.


My mother may have given me her love of weddings, but it was seeing my parents go through life as a couple that let me know marriage was more than picking a china pattern or planning the perfect centerpieces.

Our parents’ lessons and strength helped us when we suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, when Joe lost his job, and even today as we deal with a child with very serious, life-altering disabilities.


I am grateful for the ability to laugh and for marrying a man with the same offbeat sense of humor.


I sincerely hope that it’s the one real gift we leave to our own precious children. 


Unlike money and possessions, the gift of survival and humor in the face of adversity is a gift no one can take from us. It may not be that romantic, but it is recession proof.


Authors note: This is a revised and expanded version of a piece I did last year titled “What’s So Funny.” That version was posted on this site March 20, 2011.

Comments

  1. Lisa Gradess Weinstein says

    Kathy, happy 19th anniversary! My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years in April. I found so many parallels in your blog in my own life. If someone were to ask how it lasted so long, I’d tell them, Bob makes me laugh. It is how we also got through job losses, health scares, new homes, etc. Great post!!
    Lisa

  4. Laura Wright @ The ODD Mom says

    The day we handed over the downpayment on our first house, I got home from the laywer’s office to find out that I had lost my job. The company had let 250 people go, and I was one of them. I was also on maternity leave with our first child. Five years later we’re still in the house, our first child (special needs ADHD/ODD) has been joined by our second child, and I’ve launched a new freelance career. Sometimes losing your job can be a blessing.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Laura it’s really true, sometimes it’s the things we fear the most that lead us to the new path that we are supposed to be on. Thanks for sharing your story! Life can be quite a challenge and a roller coaster ride!!

  8. championm2000 says

    As always, your post makes me smile AND think. As I read your story, it reminded me of how I take for granted the lessons I learn from my own parents’ 37 year marriage. And–the lessons I am passing on to my children through my own marriage. Kind of shifts my perspective, especially after the petty squabbles DH and I had this weekend 🙂

    Hope you have a great week!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Melissa don’t get me wrong, Joe and I have our petty arguments too, although I will say we do laugh about most of them now, but that’s after a lot of time together. Last night after I posted this piece we were making the bed together and we were laughing as we were complaining about the others bed making ability!!! I’m not going to say I was right, but I was!! Lol!! Thanks so much, I always love to read your comments!! Much love!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you so much for the kind words and the visit! Life can really be a wild trip!! Sometimes laughing is really the only option if you want to move on!! Lol!

  11. Rachel Joy says

    Happy Anniversary! My parent’s just celebrated their 32nd and after seeing them together all these years, I’d have to agree with you that laughter is a very important element to making a marriage last. I wish you guys many more blessed and joyful years!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Rachel I saw my parents laugh a lot in their marriage too! I also knew that it wasn’t always easy for them but watching them work it out really helped give me a “real” idea of what marriage is! I’m glad you got to see that too! Thanks for the good wishes and the visit!!

  13. Our Village is a Little Different says

    Happy Anniversary to you, and your husband! I love the photos. =)

    It’s definitely important to be able to laugh. When I was pregnant with our twins, on complete bedrest, knowing full well I would have preemies, a NICU stay and most likely a C-Section – my husband was ‘downsized”. Good times.. LOL! It all worked out, it always does.

    When we moved from California to NY (with our two year olds on the autism spectrum) we stayed with my parents while waiting for the closing on our house. What was meant to be two weeks turned to THREE MONTHS as the previous owner worked to bring something up to code. God laughs, indeed.

    I hope you have a wonderful anniversary. I wish you many more years of love, laughter and happiness.
    -Catherine

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Catherine, I can’t believe all you had to deal with!! Life really can throw us curves, can’t it? You must have been a wreck! I know I was! You are right, it does have a way of working out.

      Catherine I think when you have children with special needs laughter is essential!!! I would be howling at the moon!!!

      Thanks so much for the wonderful anniversary wishes!! I always love to see your comments here! Much love!

  15. Addicted to Recipes says

    Wonderful post Kathy! I loved reading every bit of it. It’s amazing how much stronger we become as a team when we work through the hard times together. Congrats on another anniversary!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      You are so right, we really can be so much stronger when we work as a team. Thanks for the anniversary wishes and thanks for the visit!! I so appreciate the support!

  16. donnalsadd says

    This is so true Kathy! When the limo driver was taking my new husband and me to our reception site, which was held at our beautiful new home, he gave us a piece of advice that my hubby and I have cherished to this day 18 years later: He said,” You’ve got to remember to always laugh together.” We have and still do every day! Thanks for this post; it made me look back and smile thinking of my own wedding. And when it rains, it almost certainly pours-then we get through it! 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      What great advice to get on the day of your wedding!! I’m glad you guys are able to laugh too, it really is a gift! Thanks so much for the wishes and the visit!! xo

  17. Sarah says

    Happy Anniversary! 🙂 I remember doing all of that before I got married, and then I met my husband to be and was so excited to actually PLAN a real wedding. haha It’s every girls dream. And so true, marriage is not “the wedding”, it’s after. I like the old version of “Yours, Mine and Ours” with Lucal Ball in it. I like what the dad says to one of his daughters after he has married Lucal Ball, “It’s the waking up, the dishes,laundry, cleaning and dentist, the blah blah” The everyday, life with another person. I am happy to say, I too have found a wonderful man to share my life wife. It’s not, as you say, romantic, like the movies. But then laughing at the crazy stuff of life, giving each other those looks when the kids are going nuts. haha I wouldn’t change a thing. 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Sara I remember that line too!! And it’s so true!! I was watching Live with Kelly the other day talk about “The Bachelor” and she said they shouldn’t do it on a gorgeous island they should have the couples have to deal with late night ear infections, stomach viruses, bad attitude, leaky roofs and all the rest that comes with a real life! It really is true!! And, I guess there is something romantic in the day to day life, not just the romance I read about in the novels!! Thanks so much for dropping by! Much love!

  18. Maria says

    happy anniversary to you and joe! this was yet again, another beautiful, touching and sweet post, kathy. i agree with you 100%…laughter is seriously the best medicine. you and i have so much in common. with as crazy as things have been around here, sometimes, i just burst into hysterical laughter…even sometimes right after i’m done bawling my eyes out. bc, it really is “funny” the way things happen. i mean, yes, it is beyond trying, and you have to feel it out and feel what you feel, but you also can’t take life so serious all the time.
    it is evident throughout your writings, that you and joe are an amazing team with such a strong love and bond together and with your children. you’re such an inspiration to so many of us! <3
    may you have many, many more happy, loving, and humorous years together <3
    thank you for your friendship, kathy! <3 means so much!
    xoxoxo
    maria <3
    have a sweet week!
    xoxoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Much love to you too!! Thanks for the sweet comments, you have been on my mind! I loved your last post, you and Steve really seem to laugh and have fun even when things are tough!! You are right, it does really help. Maybe when you are going through serious things, you just can’t take life that seriously?! Much love Sweet friend!

  19. Becky Jane says

    You are a beautiful bride! Happy Wedding Anniversasy (soon)! Your post reminded me of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. Buying a new house has made me nervous so many times, I hope the Lord is so busy with you, that he doesn’t notice me…LOL

  20. Val @ Mental Chew says

    It really is about survival and having someone you can tolerate along for the ride. The ups and downs we all face and survive. The good times that help you make it through the bad. A friend told me to think of a marriage like a checking account, not a credit card. You need to make deposits, so you are in the black…feed the relationship and one another. If you are constantly making withdrawals, there is nothing there when you need it. We are working on feeding the account a little more. XOXO

    • Kathy Radigan says

      I love the idea of the checking account, I have never heard that one before. You are right, I think we all need to remind ourselves to feed our marriage account, our personal accounts too!!! xoxo

  23. thea says

    Perhaps I need to laugh more. What a wonderful, touching post. Congratulations on 19 years. sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

    My wedding was not a storybook wedding; we were married by a justice of the peace and spent the day at the zoo with our 2-year old niece. I think most of the people we knew didn’t think we would make it, and I tried really hard to ruin it in those first two years. However, God entered our lives in a very dramatic way and 32 years later we’re still together. My point it that you’re right — no matter what the wedding day is like, it is the rest of life that matters.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      32 years is quite an accomplishment!! I think the first two years are really hard for most couples, at least it was for me and a few of my friends!! Sharing a life together is not easy, no matter how you start out! I think it’s so cute you spent your wedding day at a zoo with your niece! Thank you so much for sharing your great story!! Thanks for always supporting me and the dishwasher, I really appreciate it!! Much love!!

  24. Nate Shenk says

    I honestly believe that humor can be the key to getting through tough times…I can’t imagine going through the stress of all that and I hope I’d handle it just as well, but wow you two are such a good example for us young-ins who aren’t hitched! I really like the last picture…he looks like he’s holding you so tightly and looking around in disbelief hehe ;D. BTW, I texted you the other day, but I don’t think you get texts :/ I need to email you anyways. GREAT little read.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      My advice for you my dear young friend would be to find someone you really like and admire as well as being in love with. If you find someone who makes you laugh you really are set!! But that’s my two cents!! Lol!

      After I read this I saw your text, I use two purses, one for the gym and one for life and I must have left my phone in my gym purse. I’m not great with keeping my phone with me, not a great thing for a mom!! Thanks for the visit and the help!!! You are the best!!

  25. thegirlfriendmom says

    OMG, can you imagine a life without humor? I shudder at the thought. Married or not, and I’m not, it’s all challenging and I cannot find a better or more healing way to deal with these challenges, than to laugh. I read your posts and am in awe of your families strength and grace. Joe sounds like a real gem. I hope Lizzie is having a good week. Sending you my love always! xoxo

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Dani, you do live with someone though, could you imagine living with someone and not laughing!! I don’t know how people do that!! Thanks for the great compliment, I’m sure it sounds more graceful written down in a nice essay than it looks in real life!!! Lol!!

      Thanks for asking about Princess Liz!! She’s been doing pretty well, she is starting a manic period again, but she is really funny during these so as long as the meds are holding her it won’t be too bad and I may have some good things to write about!!! Lol!! Much love to you my dear friend!!! xo

  26. Susan says

    SO true! If you can’t laugh through it all…you are toast.
    You looked beautiful on your wedding day! Loved seeing those!!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Susan I know, I really don’t know how you would survive everything that goes on in a marriage if you can’t laugh with the person.

      Thanks for the visit and the sweet compliment!! I had a great day, I can’t believe it’s been 19 years!!! Yikes!!! xoxo

  27. Rosann says

    My dear friend, Happy Anniversary to you and Joe. Your words here are so touching and as you know, really mean so much to me, having been there myself. I think it’s safe to say Mark and I can now label our marriage as recession proof too. 🙂 I hope you don’t mind, but I plan to share this post on the Unemployed Faith facebook page. I think those going through unemployment would find this encouraging. 🙂

    Love you!
    ~Rosann

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thank you so much for sharing this piece on your site, I’m honored! Thanks for the very sweet wishes. I know you have been there too, it’s a trip! Actually Rosann if you read some of the other great comments people have left we are certainly not alone in the experience! Thanks again sweet friend! Much love!

  28. Perspective Parenting says

    So well said, Kathy. Personally, if I didn’t laugh at my life and with my husband, I would be curled up in a corner alone all the time. Finding the humor in things is an essential life skill! So glad you and Joe are so skilled together. 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      I would also be in a corner!!! I think it’s a great skill to acquire too! Thanks so much for stopping by, I always look forward to reading your sweet and thoughtful comments! xo

  29. Susie B. Homemaker says

    Oh so true! Life gets too crazy not to be able to laugh at it. We’re currently working on teaching this to our almost 7 year old. She’s at the point where everything is a big deal (drama city at our house!). We’re trying to teach her to roll with the punches and be able to handle when things don’t always go her way (because they won’t, lol).

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Susie, we also have a dramatic almost 7 year old and it’s true teaching them to be able to laugh at life is so important. You are so right, things are not always going to go our way and our ability to roll with it really determines whether we are able to move forward or whether we are going to just get stuck! It’s challenging to teach that to a little one, isn’t it?!! Thanks so much for stopping by! xo

  30. Spilled Milkshake says

    Happy Anniversary! Being able to laugh when everything is going wrong is definitely a sign of a strong person. I’ve been there, too…and what else can you do?

    Your wedding pictures are beautiful!

  31. Susi says

    I agree with your last statement. It’s so important to look at the big picture and see that others do have it worse and that together you can work it out. I feel the same way… when something happens that wasn’t planned or could have a negative effect on our family it seems that hubby and I just stick together closer and put up a united front!!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Thanks for much for the great comment and visit! It is a great blessing if you can find a partner to help you through the sticky points in life!! Thanks again!

  32. Ang says

    I am sometimes tempted to feel like that about God sometimes, too–like last year when we decided, after over 25 years overseas, to haul our family of 9 back to the US–and I found out the day before we stepped onto the airplane that I was pregnant with number 8–really? REALLY???? We also joke that we make other people grateful for the comparatively easy lives they have, ha! Great post! We know that later on down the line, we’re gonna look back and see that we made it through and that things weren’t so bad after all, so we might as well laugh it out now!!!

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Ang I could only imagine what you guys must have felt like, making such a big change and then finding out you were expecting a new addition. I love your line about making other people grateful for their own lives, I feel like that sometimes too!!! Thanks so much for dropping by!! Much love to you!!

  33. Lisa Gradess Weinstein says

    Congratulations, Kathy, I have nominated you for the KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD. Go to my blog to see your name in bright lights, then check out the rules for the award, which I’ve pasted below: The Kreativ Blogger award comes with the following rules: 1. You must thank the person who has given you the award. 2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. 3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award. 4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. 5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers. 6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. 7. Leave a comment on which of the blogs to let them know they have been nominated. On

  34. Leah says

    Wishing you a Happy Anniversary! Laughter is an incredible source for keeping things in perspective! Wishing you many more years of happiness to come! ~Hugs, xo

  35. Hilary says

    Great post Kathy – and so true… If you don’t have a sense of humor, you don’t have anything… life is about rolling with the punches, and seeing the humor or the silver lining in a problem. I can’t imagine how difficult that time was… but I love how you & joe got through it, together.. that is true love… and sadly, that is why I think so many marriages don’t work. there isn’t enough love in the first place to help get through the difficult times….

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Hillary you are so right, humor really does help you sail through the tougher times together. It wasn’t till I read your reply though that I thought about the connection between love and humor. I guess it’s easier to laugh if you really love the person you are with! Thanks so much for your support, I always love to see your comments!! Much love my dear friend!!

  36. Penny Zeller says

    Love this post, Kathy – you have a great sense of humor! I am happy to have found your blog through voiceboks too and I just followed you as well. Have a great weekend! 🙂

    • Kathy Radigan says

      Penny thanks so much for dropping by and for following! I love voiceBoks because I do get to find so many great sites, such as yours. I look forward to getting to know you better!

  37. ohkeeka says

    Happy Anniversary! Congratulations on 19 years of marriage–it always bothers me when people place so much emphasis on the wedding and nothing on the actual commitment of marriage, so I love your point about the marriage just being the beginning! I’m glad you and your husband were able to have a sense of humor about the layoff–my gosh, I think I would be a wreck!

  39. Melissa says

    Happy anniversary! You two sound perfect for each other. It’s inspiring how you have held on to each other through the tough times instead of letting the tough times pull you apart. I want to hug you both! Congratulations!

  40. maria says

    What a beautiful wedding picture! Melissa’s comment(Mar 30th)is certainly fitting. May you have many more HAPPY years together.

Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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