I still remember the bus ride to work the day I found out I was pregnant with our first child, Tom. We’d just moved from Manhattan to Queens, so I was now taking a commuter bus into my job as an assistant in a venture capital firm.
I spent the whole 45-minute trip obsessing on the fact that we didn’t have life insurance on my husband.
For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why I was obsessing on this, yet I couldn’t stop myself.
Obviously it was time to take my fertility doctor up on her offer to give me some referrals to a therapist familiar with infertility issues. It finally happened, I had slipped into the abyss.
The past year-and-a-half we had gone through four miscarriages, fertility tests, genetic testing, and three attempts at assisted reproduction with drugs. We’d had it. We’d decided to get off the baby roller coaster and concentrate on us for a while.
As I got closer to my office I made the decision to take one more pregnancy test. I wasn’t even really late, but I knew I would rest easier once I knew I wasn’t pregnant.
How could it be possible? We weren’t “trying.” Could I finally be getting my happy ending?
No, I wouldn’t allow myself to think this way.
I’d been devastated four times before. Our story wouldn’t end so neatly; I just wasn’t that lucky.
I thought I should stop torturing myself.
I totally need therapy, was the thought that kept going through my head as I picked up the familiar package and paid for it.
Once I got the negative test result, I would call the doctor and find a therapist.
I went right to the ladies room and took the test by rote.
Then I stood in shock as the two lines appeared.
My heart was beating so fast. I felt pure joy and dread all at the same time.
I quickly went to my desk and called my doctor.
“Come right in. We’ll take some blood.”
I told my boss I had to go out for a minute and hopped into a cab.
There was a real benefit working for the same person for seven years. He knew everything we’d been through, so my need to run out of the office wasn’t questioned.
In the time it took the cab to drive the 20 blocks to my doctor’s office, I’d gone through the possibility that this could finally be the miracle I was praying for.
I also realized that I might have to endure a fifth miscarriage.
I walked into the doctor’s office holding the test stick.
“That sure is a positive test,” said my favorite nurse, beaming.
My doctor popped her head in the office where I was having my blood taken. She smiled as she said they would call me as soon as they got my blood levels.
Once I got back to my office, I was going crazy because I couldn’t get in touch with Joe. I sat at my desk, did my work, and told no one about what was going on.
Then I got the call.
“Yes, you are pregnant. The levels look great. The doctor wants to see you in a week, and of course call if you need us.”
I hung up the phone and was still in a state of shock. I couldn’t help myself, I was thrilled out of my mind.
I tried Joe one more time.
It was so good to hear his voice.
“I just went to see the doctor.”
“Oh. Is everything okay? Are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine… everything… is really great.”
Joe started to laugh. He knew.
We were both scared but beyond happy. One week away from our fifth wedding anniversary, this was the best gift we could possibly get.
We said our I love yous and hung up.
A week later I found myself curled up on the bed in the beautiful hotel room we had booked for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.
We had a great time at the restaurant, Windows on the World on top of the World Trade Center the night before. We were so happy.
But now it was morning and I was in so much pain.
How could this possibly be happening again?
I cried.
We ordered room service, trying to maintain some semblance of the romantic getaway we had planned. I looked at the gorgeous roses Joe had given me. I knew it was all too good to be true.
The phone rang. The doctor on call that weekend had called us back. Funny how fast you get a call back when you say you think you are having your fifth miscarriage.
We knew there was nothing that could be done this early into the pregnancy, but it felt good to just touch base with someone.
Though I had never met this doctor, he was very sweet and gentle with me as he went over my history and symptoms.
“How bad is the bleeding, are you okay?”
“Actually I haven’t started bleeding yet. I’m just in tremendous pain.”
There was a pause on the phone, then the doctor’s voice was very gentle.
“Mrs. Radigan, I can’t promise you anything, but I don’t think you are having a miscarriage.”
“No, doctor, I am. I have been through this four times before. I’ve never had pain like this.”
We both started to laugh. We agreed that maybe that was a good sign. He hung up telling me to make sure to call my own doctor on Monday and to call him back if anything got worse.
The pain came and went, and even started to subside through the weekend. We tried to enjoy our getaway, but the thought of what could be happening again was in our thoughts.
Monday morning, I’m back in my office. As soon as I get to my desk the phone rings and it’s my doctor’s office telling me to come in.
Since Joe’s office was downtown I knew he would never make it in time. I told him I would be fine and would call as soon as I knew anything. Truth be told, I wanted to be alone.
Once again I’m on the examining table, the familiar sonogram machine in front of me. I told the doctor I wasn’t going to look.
My favorite nurse held my hand, and we all just waited.
“Kathy… It’s okay you can look.” The doctor’s voice was very happy.
“It’s OK. There’s a heartbeat?” I was crying.
“A really great heartbeat.”
The nurse and doctor were beaming, I was crying.
There on the screen was the heartbeat, the little light blinking showing me that all was well. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life.
“Do you want a picture?”
“Yes.”
I’m back in the cab with my picture of my little lima bean with the heartbeat. Smiling so hard my face hurt.
How is it possible that the little lima bean in the sonogram picture is now a 13-year-old boy who has started to shave?
My happy ending, was really just a beginning.
(Editor’s Note: Part of this Essay is adapted from a piece I wrote for the site The North Forty http://the-north-forty.com/searching-for-my-happy-ending/ in August, 2011. It is the first time it has appeared on My dishwasher’s possessed)
one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos
Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
Wow he’s shaving at 13!? I didn’t have to start shaving until I was 18 haha! You know I don’t have kids but I’ve seen how fast they grow up and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be the parent. Kathy I loved this story! You are so good at taking me into the story as if you were sitting right next to me. Loved it. So glad everything turned out ok.
Thanks for the kind words my friend! The shaving thing probably has something to do with all the Italian blood, three sides, we are a pretty hairy bunch!! Lol!
So amazing! Brought me to tears! I could just feel your pain, and then feel your joy! OH how time flies! So happy you did get your happy “beginning”. 🙂 And then a couple more bundles of joy too!
Sarah thanks so much for the very kind words! I’m really glad I got my happy beginning, and my two other sweet bundles too! Thanks again for the visit! xo
Oh gosh, been there. Too us three years to conceive a viable pregnancy. And I know the astounding joy of that littleink stick! Dropped by from social sunday and will follow you on linky, though already following on google connect.
Thanks so much Sandra for dropping by. Three years is such a long time, I’m glad you finally got your happy beginning too! Thanks for doing the Social Sunday hop too!
I am teary-eyed! It’s amazing how vividly you remember these things, the feelings, the emotions, even if they were all x number of years ago! I guess that’s what they mean when they say a mother never forgets. I can only imagine how it must feel like now that it is all (HE is also!) 13 years old!
It’s so funny because even it’s been I guess almost 14 years ago, it still feels like it happened yesterday. I may not be able to remember to sign my kids homework but I can remember exactly what if felt like when I found out I was going to have him! I can’t believe he is 13! Thanks so much for the visit!
Oh, you have me in tears now! I could relate to so much of your story. I was sure I’d be childless forever.. now I have these two boys who are getting taller every minute, and getting man voices, too. I’m glad that your empty arms were filled. It certainly changes everything, doesn’t it? Thank you for sharing your story.
-Catherine
Catherine thank you so much the visit! It is a strange trip isn’t it, from thinking you will never have children to being knee deep in it all. I will never get over the extreme highs and lows of that time. Children do change everything! Thanks again for the support, it’s much appreciated!
Kathy – this one should have come with a “have a tissue ready” warning! Just beautiful, and of course the mention of the World Trade Center restaurant makes it even more poignant….
All the best,
Lisa
Lisa it was the strangest thing, because when I saw the towers go down ten years ago of course I thought of that time as well. Sorry I made you cry, I really don’t mean to as much as some friends think I do! Much thanks!!
I sometimes can’t believe it either, when I look at my 16, 15, 13, 10, and 8 year old kids. When did they become so big?!
It’s wild isn’t it? Especially since the memories of them being tiny are so etched in my mind. Your last three kids are right where my kids are, except my youngest is 6 (I’m trying not to think about the fact that he will be 6 in a few weeks!!). I don’t think I realized that we were in the same trench, no wonder I’m always cracking up at your great site!! Thanks so much for the visit!
Okay, now I’m crying…and I knew it was going to be a happy ending, but seriously, the little fear you built held on. So well done! I was just telling my kids their birth stories for the 100th time again last night. So emotional for me, so unemotional for them. Amazing what these little beings can do to us.
It is isn’t it? They really turn your life upside down and right side up!
Thanks so much for popping over! Much appreciated!
I was crying for you, even though I knew you were talking about a baby that was now 13 🙂 I don’t even want to think about 13, it seems so far away with a 3 and 1 year old, but I know it’s closer then it seems!
I just can’t get over how fast it all goes. Everyone tells you this, but it goes faster than I ever expected, I literally blinked and he’s a teenager! Enjoy your babies!! 3 and 1 are fun ages!
And 13 years does go by so fast! It was all worth it and I’m so happy when I hear encouraging stories like this because it helps others who might be going for a ride on that roller coaster too. Glad you got through it and now can share it with your kiddos and friends.
Kim I found stories like this comforting when I was going through it myself, but I also kept waiting for my happy ending!! While we were going through it, it seemed to last forever and yet I now look at my three kids and I can’t get over it! Thanks so much for the visit! xo
What a wonderful story Kathy. Of course, I can only imagine how difficult the previous miscarriages were but you did get your happy ending (two more times after the first, haha). Wonderful story and as always, love the writing!
I did get my happy ending, plus two!! A very happy ending and beginning! Thanks so much for the visit and the lovely words! You always make me feel great!
Oh Kathy, this is the second time I’ve read this and the second time I’ve cried tears of joy on your behalf. So thankful for a God who hears the cries of a mother’s heart and blesses her with children. XO
Thanks so much for reading it again. I loved going back and building on this one. It was such a great time in my life. I did feel that God really heard me, it’s good for me to remember that too when it sometimes feels like he is not! Much love to you!!
I was so touched by your story, Kathy! Thank you for sharing! What a journey to the best career ever!
Thank you Heather! It is the best career I could ever have! I love being a mom! Thanks so much for popping over!
Kathy – I love your posts.. I feel like I am always right there with you? What was the pain then? And you little peanut is shaving? I am a little misty..
Hilary, I didn’t go into it this post but I was pregnant with twins at the time, the second pregnancy only went to about 7-8 weeks. They didn’t see it in that first sonagram but when I went back a week later they saw two sacks. It’s possible that’s what the pain was. I never did have that kind of pain with Lizzy or Peter. It really was horrible! And, yes, my peanut is shaving, we are a pretty hairy family!! He is getting so big! Thanks so much for stopping over! Much love to you!!
Such a great post….I teared up thinking how ecstatic and scared you must have been! Those 13 years go so quickly, don’t they? Hugs 🙂
It does go so fast!! Thanks so much for dropping by! I was ecstatic and scared! But, now I look at my three kids and I can’t believe it!! Thanks again!!
From lima bean to shaving…I like that!
Thanks! It’s so hard to believe!!
When I started reading this, I was thinking it sounded familiar! 😉 I think I told you this before, but I just love this story. I love that you found your happy ending and I love that you are willing to share your journey. I am sure there is a woman out there who will read this and be filled with hope.
Thanks so much Jen!! It was fun to re-look at the piece and expand it! I do feel so lucky that I got my happy ending. As you know it is such a hard thing to go through, but then when you hold your beautiful baby, like you just did with your third, it becomes that much more special. Thanks so much for dropping by!
The story touched me deeply for so many reasons–many of which you know. When I think my heart can’t handle going through the pregnancy roller coaster again, I think of the love, the outcome, the lima beans growing up. And I know it’s worth it.
The roller coaster is so rough, and it does feel like your heart will not be able to take it one more minute, it’s true. The only saving grace in the mess was that it did make me appreciate each moment, and on days when I thought, or still think, I can’t do it one more minute I think about the fact that I would gladly give up my best pre child day for my worst day with my babies. It is so hard though!! Sending much love!!
Aren’t you just the strongest and bravest lady out there? We lost our 4th and I remembered thinking there’s no way I could go through that again. And we managed to have 3 more. I can’t compare it in any way to losing your first four, but thank God you never gave up.
Me lovie you!!!
Oh, and my 13 year old is shaving right next to his 16 and 21 year old brothers. UGH!
If I had to think about it I would never have gone through it all, at the time you just keep hoping this is the one that takes. I think that’s why I was sad when I thought I was miscarrying again. It really felt hopeless. I’m so glad you went on to have three more beautiful children!! And, I’m glad we are not the only hairy family out there!! Much love my friend!!
What a wonderful story! I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. Thanks for such a wonderful story. You are an excellent story teller.
Thank you so much Thea!! You are so sweet to come by and give me your support! It’s much appreciated! xo
Kathy! I cried so much reading this post!!
You’re an inspiration to me. (And so many!)
It just goes to show how much sense time makes out of all our hardships!
I’m SO happy you had that amazing experience and more to follow!
Wow…times flies!
He’s shaving?! Aww!
You and your family are so blessed!
Thank you for this post!
Xoxoxo
Have a sweet week!
Maria
Thank you so much Maria! Time is a huge healer. While I was in the middle of it I could not see anything but the pain. I really kept hoping for my happy ending, and then started to feel like I would never get it. I think that’s why it’s great for me to remember this story, when I’m feeling like I just don’t understand why I’m going through something I remember that cab ride and my little lima bean. Thanks for your beautiful words, they mean so much to me!! Have a great week my sweet friend!!
Kathy… WOW!! Seems, the more I get to know you the more we have in common. I too experienced the same in trying to start “my” happily ever after… my lima bean is now 24… I can’t believe it. My heart is smiling for you! Many blessings!
24!!! Yikes! It goes way to fast Carla doesn’t it?!!! Thanks for the lovely words my friend! Much love!!
Awww, Kathy…this just brought me to tears. I have not experienced miscarriage (that I know of) but I have experienced 2 years straight of infertility. I know the emotion behind wanting a child so bad and the shock and disbelief when it finally happens. Such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your heart! 🙂
Love you,
~Rosann
Rosann, two years is such a long time. It really takes it toll on you and your so right, when you finally get it you really need time to process it all!! Thanks so much for your lovely words!!! Much love to you!!! xoxo
I’m getting my roots touched up and I’m about to cry! This was so great. I lost it at, “there was a heartbeat” The power of this post was touching someone, like me, who doesn’t have her own kids. That’s all you my lady! xoxo
You are way too kind my dear!! But you always make me feel great!! Thank you so much! You are so good for my ego!! Much love to you!!
I’ve always said – the days last forever and the years fly by. How true it is! What a wonderful memory to pass on to you son. What a blessing to be so wanted and loved! Thank you so much for sharing.
Mauntie
I love that, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard that before that the days last forever but the years fly by!! That is the perfect description, especially of the first year with your baby!! My son does love to hear this story! Thank you so much for your visit!!
Aww, what a sweet, sweet story! My sister went through years of infertility and many miscarriages, so I can almost understand how hard it is. But look at the 3 beautiful children you have now. Love to you!
I sometimes have to pinch myself when I realize that I got not one great kid, but three!! Thanks so much for the visit!! I love you too!!
You got me teary eyed. I can’t imagine going through a miscarriage once and you had to go 4 times before getting the best present a mother could ask for. It is amazing to think that after all you went through you have now 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. Congratulations!!!
I’m sure it was all worth it!
http://www.essentialmamababy.blogspot.com
It really is amazing to me too that we now have three!! Thank you so much for you visit!!
Gorgeous post, Kathy. I totally felt like I was in that cab with you! Your story is so powerful. Thank you for sharing it and giving others in your situation much needed support. Your painful journey ended in something beautiful. You brought me to tears. *hugs*
Melissa thank you so much for the very kind words. Hugs right back to you!! xo
I can relate to just keeping every little piece of memory from when you’re pregnant. I used to take pictures of just about every little detail, then I would tell my husband it’s all for the scrapbook. But amazing how kids grow up and now you have 3 kids saying ‘mom, I love you’, right…mommyhood, it never ends. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful moment.
Barbara it’s true you do want to remember every moment! Time moves so quickly!! It helps to visit these times for me to keep it fresh and for me to remember how impossible it seemed that I would be on this side of the parenting fence. It makes all the other dreams I have for myself seem possible! Thanks so much dear friend!! Much love!
aww Cathy. Thank you for sharing your life with us. So sorry to hear of all the pain you had to endure up until this point but thank God you have the blessing you’ve waited for.
Michelle thanks so much!! All three of my babies were worth the wait!! xo
Wow, what an amazing story! I’m sorry you had to endure so much before being able to have your three children. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I’m looking forward to getting to know more great people like you through voiceBoks.
Thanks so much for visiting!! I look forward to getting to know you better through voiceBoks too! Thanks again!!
Okay, so I am crying like a baby and then I get to the end and think…. wait. 13 year olds shave? My first son is 24 now and he still barely shaves. But the little one is well, a bit hairy.
God bless you, what an incredible journey.
Pam
Pam I think it’s all the Italian blood, we are just a hairy family! Lol! Thanks so much for visiting! You have a 24 year old, that’s good to know, I always love to find mom’s who have survived the teen years, makes me feel it’s possible!! Lol!!
Wonderful story! It is truly mind boggling how time really does fly. My children, Mike and Molly are 25 and 23 now, I find myself sitting here wondering where the time went. In spite of me, they grew up…Into very nice young adults, go figure.
Welcome to the teen years!
(Thank you for peeking in on my world, it made my day!)
As I said to Pam it’s so great to meet other moms who have survived the teen years!! It’s great to know you have a 25 and 23 year old and lived to tell about it, gives me hope!! Thanks so much for visiting! I’m glad I had a chance to stop by your site, I love checking out new sites and making new friends!! Take care!
Another great post. You have the BEST sense of humor!
My last comment was referring to your 13 year old and shaving!
I didn’t tell you that one did I? Oh yes, we are shaving, I’m surprised you didn’t hear the screams coming from our house that first time!!! Tom was positive Joe was going to kill him! Very funny!! How is it possible that our kids are in 7th grade? Weren’t they just little ones playing in the yard?!! Thanks so much for your support my dear friend!! Love you!!
Unbelievable story, Kathy. So thankful you got your little ones.
Unbelievable story, Kathy. So thankful you got your little ones.
Thanks so much Val! xo
It’s amazing how many women share this story and it is so good of you to reach out with yours. My ” Garden for Four” post is about mine. We had C and then two miscarriages, then I was told “Your body is done with babies”. 6 months of depression, coming to terms, back to work and…pregnant. Now we have K. Amazing what miracles each of their little lives are and how they are truly gifts. Each one so special and so meant to be. XO
It’s funny how sometimes we need to back off to let our bodies work again. It is so painful. I’m so glad you got your wonderful gifts too!! You are right each one is so special!!! Much love!!
thanks for sharing your story. It made me remember my own story when I found out I was pregnant. Such a magical time.
It is a magical time isn’t it? I love to look back on all three of my pregnancies! Each time was so special and each one was different, just like my darlings!! Thanks for visiting!!
Oh it was the beginning of your happy ever after! Tom is such a blessing because he made your dreams come true. I love this story, thanks for sharing a piece of your life!
Catherine thank you so much!! My Tom is a blessing, I’m so lucky to have him and Lizzy and Peter! It was a hard road but so worth it! Thanks for being such a great blogging friend!! I love you!!!
Oh what a sweet special memory. I remember the rapid heart beat after seeing those two lines. Thanks for making me remember that again. So sad to read of all the pain you had to go through with so many miscarriages. hugs to you.
13 and shaving? Wow – you have a young man on your hands.:)
Debbie thanks so much for the kind words! The miscarriages were so painful but now that I have my three blessings it seems worth it! You are so right, there is something just magical about seeing the lines on your pregnancy test and seeing the heartbeat, it is such a joyous time!! Thanks again, hugs right back to you!!
What a beautiful story, Kathy. Though I’ve never experienced a miscarriage or infertility, I know how shocking and depressing it can be when something goes wrong with a child (I’m thinking of Evan’s birth here). I am so happy you were blessed with your three beautiful children, and I can only imagine the joy Tom brought you those 9 months. As always, thank you for opening up and sharing these beautiful stories and emotions!
Thanks so much Laura. There is pain that you just can’t describe when something goes wrong, and I know you know what that feels like. But then, if you are lucky you can see the blessing in the mess, for me it’s my three kids. For you it’s your beautiful Evan. But I think the shock, and hurt of those experiences stay with you for a while, sort of like post traumatic stress. Little by little it heals. Much love to you!!
I’m smiling so wide I think my lips are going to crack! (I am in Minnesota during winter, after all.) Heartwarming post — you are a strong woman and an excellent writer! So happy to know you. ~Andrea (Amommynous)
I can relate so much to all the anxiety you went through and am just glad that there’s a happy ending to this…well, not ‘ending’ I guess, considering your baby is now beginning another phase in his precious life! *hugs*