The news has been so filled with stories about the volatility in the financial markets that it had me thinking about one market that CNBC and Bloomberg don’t cover: the Guilt Market.
Mothers are very familiar with this market. It starts the minute the line turns pink on your pregnancy test. Suddenly you feel guilty for the coffee you drank that morning, or the calcium you didn’t take. Heaven forbid if you had a glass of wine with dinner, or had your hamburger rare.
Perhaps you were like me and ate sushi the night before you found out you were pregnant because surely the cramps you were feeling meant another month of the baby dance so you might as well live it up.
Now as you look at the line you have spent months waiting to see, you are convinced that all your missteps will doom you and your baby.
From there the market just takes off. This is a market where I have a better eye for picking value than Warren Buffet.
Just like the stock exchange, the guilt market has a contingent of analysts, specialists, and investors—all of whom are willing to weigh in. It may be out of true concern, or maybe they just have a need to put their two cents into your portfolio.
Some of my favorite guilt tips are
· “Don’t worry about having another miscarriage, I read that stress can harm the baby and cause a miscarriage.” I had four miscarriages, and I always found my guilt index climbed anytime someone gave me gave me that recommendation.
· “You have to at least try to nurse your third child because you nursed your other two children. It’s only fair to the new baby.” I’m pretty sure my youngest child, Peter, has never gone a day worrying about the fact that he was bottle fed while Tom and Lizzy were breast fed. I’m also pretty sure he appreciated having a sane, happier mother. I know Tom, Lizzy, and my husband did. But, I will say six years later, I still think of that tip whenever Peter goes nuts if he does not have the same exact amount as his brother and sister. I have already socked a little extra money in his “money-for-therapy-for-all-the-things-I-did-to-screw-you-up fund”, just in case this is the reason.
· “You should talk and play with your children more. Maybe that is why they have speech problems.” A few times I wondered if raising my children in a convent where we had taken a vow of silence was a bad idea. How was I to know that most parents interact with their kids? That comment paid a high return to the original investor.
When I realized that something was wrong with our daughter, Lizzy, at only six weeks old, I racked up so much guilt I could have singlehandedly paid the national debt.
The idea that if only I had done something, anything, differently, my daughter would live a more normal life has eaten up more time than I care to admit.
As a mom, I want to believe that if I only follow the “rules,” everything will work out just fine. If I read the right books, feed the kids the right foods, and take them to their scheduled check-ups, nothing bad will happen.
When something does occur that’s not in my plan, it’s easier for me to blame myself. If I was at fault, I can control it and make sure it never happens again.
I wish it was that easy. Experience has taught me it’s not.
Or, rather, Lizzy has taught me it’s not.
Though Lizzy’s challenges were not in my plan, they’re a part of her.
As she marches through the house wearing three crowns, my shawl around her waist, a sock for a glove, and a hair tie for a bracelet, it’s hard not to admit that Lizzy is who she’s supposed to be. Lizzy doesn’t blame me for the things she can’t do. She’s too busy living her life and turning her brothers into frogs with the magic wand my cousin gave her.
Plus there are more important things that she does blame me for, such as not letting her play with my jewelry or my favorite blouse.
“You are ruining my life,” is one of Lizzy’s favorite expressions lately. She will use it for anything, whether it’s the fact that she can’t have another cookie, my good purse, or the TV channel she wants. She’s no fool, she knows how valuable a commodity guilt is. I’m no fool either, and her outbursts initiate some interesting arguments.
“Lizzy, I don’t care if I am ruining your life, you can not eat the whole box of cookies. Now knock it off.”
“Oh, but the cookie is my best friend.“
That one always gets me, but I’m strong.
“Lizzy, it is a cookie, not a friend. Now move on.”
“But, mommy… I love you so much.”
She’s learning to be very skilled at the guilt market!
After all, she is my daughter.
“I have already socked a little extra money in his “money-for-therapy-for-all-the-things-I-did-to-screw-you-up fund”, just in case this is the reason.” – That is awesome! I thought I was the only one saving for future therapy for my kids lol.
Mommy guilt is so common. And you get it from everywhere – parents, friends, spouses, the media, and your very own, sweet, loving, precious, manipulative spawn. What is it in our makeup that makes mothers so sensitive to it? Dads could technically have all the same guilt, but rarely do – at least not to the extent we moms do.
Great post my dear!
You know I often wonder if the people who make all the “mommy rules” and give advice actually follow it themselves! (or do they even have kids?!) B/c things are so much easier sadi than done. I think what matters is that as moms we try are best. We are only human! Following you back btw!
ah the guilt factor. my son is beginning to employ it. his current favorite is “i hate you and i hate tim (my husband, his stepfather), i’m going to find my biological dad (he’s not seen him since age 3 and then he saw him TWICE), because i know he would let me do ______(name current want).”
It really is so much easier to make sense out of unfortunate or unexpected events if we just take the blame. Guilt is so powerful in that sense.
But we know better 🙂
Ahhh, the guilt train. I ride it frequently. I just take it and throw myself into being a better mama. And to steel myself for the finger pointing.
: )
I have had a lot of guilt moments. Like I just read recently that disposable diapers on the rise, has testicular cancer rates have gone up. What did I use? Disposables. I work full-time and thought I’d never have time to wash cloth diapers.
Then both of my kids got major illnesses. Mica got a staph infection in his neck. I wonder if it was caused by me. He had an ear infection on the same side. I could have picked at his ear and gave him his life threatening illness.
My youngest Isaak got meningitis at 2 months. I wonder if I neglected to wash off a binki before putting it in his mouth.
I’m the queen of worry!
I’m always interested to see what you’ll write about and I can really relate to this one!
I already have built up a lifetime supply of guilt for my mommy ways. I think it’s required for the job.
I love Lizzy. She’s smart and hysterical. And I totally agree. Cookies are my friends too.
I have also ruined my daughter’s life numerous times and she’s only seven. I think that is my badge of honor. 🙂
Yes, I guess ruining my childrens life is a benefit of my job!!!! Lol!!
Thank you guys for your great and thoughtful comments!!! I always love to read what you all have to say! Mommy guilt is definetly part of the job, but something I would like to loose!!! Thanks again for all your support!!
Drives me insane when people talk as if they “really” know what’s going. I wasn’t able to breast feed my 3rd either coz my milk didn’t come in that time around…I did feel guilty thinking he didn’t have it as good as my first two, but he talked and walked earlier than the both of them…so go figure.
We can all relate to riding on the guilt train in our lives. I still do and it’s hard because I’m a control freak most of the time!! So what’s someone to do but blame themselves and think about what if’s. We have to train ourselves to not think that way. Because when we turn over control and relax, we can breathe a little easier and not feel guilty. Thank goodness the Lord can handle all our worries and problems so we can live the life he has planned for us!
Whoa this one hit home BIG TIME! You aren’t alone in this. When Josh was born w/ severe heart defects, I would literally lay awake at night, or stare at him in the NICU, examining my actions throughout my pregnancy to figure out what I did to cause this. I was ready & willing to blame myself for all of it. I had let my child down. I too got a lot of crappy comments about what I should/ shouldn’t be doing with my kids. Finally, after tons of therapy, I would respond, “My kids are loved, they are happy, they are well cared for, I am & always will be there for them & that’s what’s most important.” I know I’m a good mom & I didn’t cause Josh’s CHD’s. No one is a perfect mom because life isn’t an episode of Leave It to Beaver.
For others to judge a mom (w/ the exception of mothers who are neglectful or abusive) is in poor taste to say the least.
Great post! I totally laughed at Lizzy & the cookie bit. You handled that beautifully, btw. From one Good Mom to another: Thanks!
xoxo
Hi Kathy!
Thanks for dropping by my blog earlier and sharing your feedback! 🙂 Oh wow, my boy is still too young to guilt trip me but thanks for sharing this post! 🙂
Great story, I always seem to feel guilty.
Your Guilt market analogy is hilarious…because it’s so true!
Well meaning friends and strangers can say the most ridiculous things…I know I have…YIKES!
Thanks for a laugh…my best friend are my cookies tto…I don’t like to share my best friends!
Becky, I did not go into that side, but I know I have been guilty of saying silly things to people too!! I’ve been both a buyer and a seller of guilt!! Lol!!
Thank you all for your great comments!!! Much love to all!!!
I’m so glad someone finally said it! Thanks Kathy! I hate the guilt market too and I absolutely hate unsolicited ‘advice’ that only feed the guilt even more…the La Leche league and every single mother who tried (or tries) to tell me how to raise my own child and think they know best. Grrrrr!!! LOVE THIS POST!!!
I can relate with #1 and #3. Our youngest will be 2 next month and just doesn’t talk as much as the other 4 did at her age. I have been asked time & time again why to which I respond, “She’ll talk when she’s ready.” I used to feel guilt over it but was told that if she engages in conversation {which she does} it’s fine. And who needs added “Mommy Guilt” from outside resources? I am pretty sure we are each our own worse critic! 🙂
Glad to be able to connect via VB! Now following. Staci @ 7 on a Shoestring
My goodness what a wonderful post! The guilt market…I never thought of it that way, but a moms guilt certainly does go up and down the graph doesn’t it? ~Hugs to you my friend! M
People who make YOU, of all people, feel guilty are idiots! You are Super D Awesome, Kathy! My oldest has speech problems and I blamed myself until I finally realized that God has a reason for everything. You have nothing to feel guilty about and neither do I (take that La Leche) except for maybe that second cookie I ate tonight!
It’s so easy to blame ourselves for everything. That’s why whenever a friend gets preggers for the first time, I try to give her all the advice I never got, the kind that takes her off the hook. Time and time again, I am thanked for it and they do the same. Wouldn’t that be nice, if that was the new advice that is passed around, that it’s NOT all our fault!! Love your blog, thanks for stopping by mine. I will definitely be back!!
Kim
http://www.mytwintasticlife.com/
Hi Kathy, I came to realize that guilt, like worry, are senseless emotions. They do not change a thing. There are always those people in your life that will try to make you feel guilty about things (like my MIL), I do not allow it. I know I always have the best intentions in mind, as I know do you, so I don’t beat myself up about things I can’t change. Whats the point? You are an awesome mom, forget the guilt train, you will get to your destination just fine without it. Love ya, Jodi
Wow, this is such a true post I think ALL Mom’s can relate too. I felt that same guilt each time I found out I was pregnant and remembering the glass of wine I had a week earlier, through my pregnancies when I had that much needed cup of coffee, and even now that they’re here, am I spending enough time with them. I don’t think that’s every going to go away.
Oh and Lizzy and the cookies, have you seen the youtube video with the little boy telling his mom, he only loves her when she gives him cookies? That’s immidiately what I thought of. Here’s the link, super cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU
LOVE your Blog. Too bad you aren’t joining us in AZ. We will have to plan a better get away for everyone soon. I have awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award. Check it out
http://realarmyofmoms.blogspot.com/2011/08/you-like-me-you-really-like-me.html
@ Army of moms – I would love to be joining you in AZ, I’m sure you will have a great time!!! I can’t wait to read what you guys write about your time!!!! I’m laughing just thinking of it!!!
Thank you all the continued great comments!!! I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who plays the market!!! Much love to you all!!!
Being that Braeden is only 11 months old the Mommy guilt has only kicked in so many times. The worst bout of mommy guilt was last week when my Dr informed me that I had been living the last 31 years allergic to pretty much everything I ingest on a daily basis. Milk, eggs, peanuts, wheat etc. All these years I just thought the way they made me feel was normal and just part of life. Little did I know I was actually having allergic reactions. The place my mind went was holy cow that is probably why I miscarried our twins not my diet needs to change or wow I am gonna miss peanut butter. Right then and there I had my 2nd harshest guilt lesson the 1st being almost losing our son. It is funny how no one else can comprehend how our mind automatically goes there no matter what the bad or iffy news. B is already well on his way to guilting me. I figure I will hold on to it for now atleast for a while. Cause then I do not have to admit he will not be a baby forever. Oh and I would like to schedule a playdate with Lizzy please! 🙂
Absolutely brilliant on the stock market analogy! Isn’t it funny how smart kids are, and know exactly what buttons to push? Just think though, if we never felt guilty, would we really get anything accomplished. It’s a pretty good little driving force there;)
You are so right. My mother warned me before I ever got pregnant… You have to take the guilt at the end of each day and just let it go. I had no idea what she meant, now I know all too well! It’s easier said than done but it’s true… We shouldn’t feel guilty, we’re doing the best we can, and our kids would not be raised any better in any other home. We love them more than anything and that’s what they truly need, there’s nothing better than that!
This is exactly what made me write my post last night about ‘the things I did right’. We let guilt consume us and don’t celebrate the good things we do as mothers. Funny you found my blog today of all days, and I came here!
Awesome post! I was just feeling the unnecessary guilt as I whipped out a bottle for my third so I could watch the other two run around the park….you are right- he won’t remember or care when he is older that he got more bottles than his sisters 🙂
I think guilt comes with the “being a mom” territory. And funny enough, somehow gets easier with each additional baby.
We just need to learn to go easier on ourselves!
Thanks so much for stopping by. We missed you.
Now that I’ve raised 6, I have a mile long list of things I wish I could do over!! When I talk to my grown kids about mistakes that I perceive I’ve made over the years, they just laugh at me! Guilt can be so devastating! You seem like an awesome mom! We do the best we know how to do and trust that God will make up for what we lack. Lizzy sounds like a rockstar!!!
Blessings,
~Erin
I bow to your greatness and expect a return for the investment I’m about to make for my older 3. I nursed the younger 3 kids until they were 2, but the 1st 3 only got the boob until they were 6 weeks. I still have guilt.
I want Lizzy to come over and play with my kids. She’d be a welcome addition 🙂
Luv ya luv ya
Sharon
http://sharon-moms-madhouse.com/
Oh yes, I’ve had a lot of Mommy Guilt.
When my son wasn’t talking much, I assumed it was because of something I did. When I found out he had Aspergers, I blamed myself.
I have to remind myself that it’s just how he is.
My Mom was a pro at guilt and I find myself fighting the same battle. Thank goodness for sweet grace that washes away all guilt. I’m glad I’m not responsible for the success or failure of everyone around me, even though I occasionally act like it! I would love to see Lizzie marching around the house, all decked out, poofing everyone in her way!
Kathy, I loved this post. In fact, my friend and I were just talking about all the things we beat ourselves up over, after each month we find ourselves not pregnant. It is a constant battle. Sometimes I will drink a few cups of coffee or ten (today) and the next I will tell myself not to have any at all in case I get pregnant. I worry about a glass or two of wine and sushi sometimes and other times let loose. But in the end it is all in God’s plan. Thank you for that reminder. Your daughter sounds amazing (guilt trips and all). I hope you’re having a wonderful day!! Lots of almost weekend love!
Xo
Maria 🙂
*ps-ty for your comment last wk. It made me smile that you too understood my dress dilemma! 🙂
Kathy, what a clever post! “The Guilt Market.” I’m pretty sure we all have a stake in it. Remember, from one mom of a child with special needs to another, it’s not your fault. None of it. Though it sounds like you’ve got that figured out. And you’re absolutely right. Lizzy has turned out exactly how she’s supposed to be. So has my son. My fears for his future abated so very much when he reached that age – about 4 months – where he really showed off his personality. And at that time, I realized exactly what you did about Lizzy.
Again, I can’t get over this post. I love it!
What a wonderful story! Mommy guilt is written all over me lol. I’m following you from voiceBoks!
Great post! thanks for dropping by at my blog! And talking about guilt. Thanks for the advice, I think I’ll just have to be positive and always look at the bright side. I’m now starting to search for a chic eyeglasses for my daughter! 🙂
Lizzy sounds like such a sweetheart. 🙂 You’re an amazing mom.
I seriously LOVED reading your post. I will definitely be following this blog from now on. You were right on point with the “guilt market”.
Yes. The Guilt Market. For me, becoming a mother required purchasing high shares of the guilt market and the worry market. LOL
Making me cry!!!
The guilt thing is really going around lately!!! I am doing an internet radio interview at encouragementcafe.com on Friday, Sept. 2 at 6:00 — talking specifically about mommy guilt!!!! We all have it. We don’t need it. It steals our joy today and our hope for tomorrow. Letting go of the past is necessary so the guilt doesn’t eat our whole life.
Love you, my friend.
Karen
Oh, what a wonderful post. While I was pregnant, I was craving sushi all the time. I even asked if I could have cooked sushi (yuck, what was I think).
Don’t you wish you could hold onto the little ones forever. I love when my daughter likes to play dress-up and pretend to have a tea party.
I love reading your blog so much that I awarded you the Versatile Award. Congrats,
Barbara
mommy guilt is the worst. Even if I tell myself all day not to I’ll still go to bed feeling guilty about something. It will never end. After the birth of my first-born Jaydalyn people who didn’t know any better would ask me if I did this or that or this or that while I was pregnant because so and so told them that this or that can cause Down Syndrome. Yea.
All we can do is remind ourselves we aren’t perfect we’re human beings and if we were perfect life would get boring really fast.