I stared at the white stick and I just couldn’t believe me eyes. It was turning pink… in two places. Just like the box said it would if you were pregnant.
How could I be pregnant? The doctors couldn’t believe I managed to have two children. How could this just happen with no planning? My heart was beating fast, and I wasn’t sure how I felt.
One thought ran through my mind–my parents are going to kill me.
This was a strange thought. I was hardly a teenager. I was 39, married, and owned my own house. Yet I was terrified of what my parents would say.
I responded to this surprise like I do almost anything else in my life, I laughed hysterically.
My husband was waiting outside the bathroom for me. I walked out with the stick in my hand laughing… and he knew I wasn’t going through early menopause like I thought I was.
His huge smile and the look of complete joy on his face helped relieve some of my fear. Although I could list them in my head.
Would I be able to carry this pregnancy to term? Even though we had two children, I still had the memory of my past miscarriages. And my children’s pregnancies had been monitored so closely even before I conceived, testing levels, adjusting hormones. I did not want to go through the pain of another miscarriage.
Would I be able to physically handle this pregnancy? My pregnancy with my daughter had been fairly hard and had entailed taking Heparin shots to control a blood-clot disorder that the doctors had found I had after we had our son.
To make things a bit more interesting, the shots caused a painful allergic reaction that meant I needed prednisone. The prednisone caused an ulcer.
Could I go through all of that again? Would I be able to do all this and care for my two children?
And what about that? My oldest was almost six, and he was doing beautifully, but it had required a lot of work. We had been working with speech and occupational therapists to help him deal with some learning differences.
My daughter? She was two-and-a-half and getting a host of therapies. Yet we still had no answers as to why she was not talking or reaching other developmental milestones.
I knew why my parents were going to kill me. They didn’t want to see me go through all of that again. My mother, as well as a few of the doctors in my high-risk pregnancy group, told me to get my tubes tied after I had my daughter. That was the prudent thing to do.
But when my ob-gyn told me he felt I could handle another pregnancy, I let my pure love of babies cloud my judgment. Plus I figured I could only get pregnant with medical intervention. Any other way of conceiveing just seemed like a fairy tale that happend to other people. This was nuts.
Thankfully that night it was just my husband and me. A rare night alone since the kids were having a sleepover at my parents house. Joe was so happy, and so was I. I was thrilled. All logic went out the window. This just wasn’t another baby, it was a secret wish.
As I write this I am struck by how I felt the wish for a third baby needed to be a secret. I realized it seemed impractical because a pregnancy did take so much out of me physically and I had so much on my plate. I knew that I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to try to have a third, which made it all the more special. After working so hard to have two babies, I was getting a bonus child. I felt like I won the lottery.
But I still wanted to be seen as the good girl. To make the choices that seemed measured and responsible. To never make a misstep. To never risk my parents or anyone’s disapproval. I was almost 40 with a lifetime of experience behind me. Yet I felt like a teenager. The adult voice I had worked so hard to achieve and felt so comfortable with was suddenly caught in my throat.
My pregnancy with my youngest son taught me so much about myself and had me question my deep need to live my life for others. I changed.What others felt was right became less important.
I enjoyed my pregnancy knowing that this would be my last. When I finally held my gorgeous baby boy, I knew this surprise was meant to be.
Now my secret wish is a beautiful six-year-old. He is an amazing child who makes me laugh everyday. His smile melts my heart and he balances out our family perfectly. I simply could not imagine my life without him.
Isn’t it amazing how the surprising moments in our lives can bring us such joy? Another great post, thanks for sharing!
I love your blog and the way you express yourself. Thank you. thank you for sharing this blessing with us.
What a beautiful story! So glad that pregnancy had a happy ending.
Thank you for sharing this great story!
Thank you guys for your great comments. I really do appreciate the support! It is so hard to believe that my little guy is six! We just had his birthday party Saturday, he went from being a line on a stick to a little boy in a blink of an eye! Thanks again! Much love!
Beautiful, I adore my daughter and she is my one, true joy, but since I have now had a devastating miscarriage at 12 weeks I now truly cherish the fact that babies are truly a blessing and gift from God! I also have the secret wish
Thank you for posting! I just found your blog through the sits/blogfrog link up discussion! I am following you and can’t wait to read more. I am a new blogger and I’m having so much fun with it!
Hope that you have a great week!
-Katie
http://www.Savemoneyatl.blogspot.com
Beautiful story! Thanks for sharing it. Every child is truly a blessing 🙂
Excellent post sharing your love for your sweet boy. I’m happy he brings you such joy and delight (as all your kids do). Happy Monday, sweet bloggy friend! :o)
Katie I know how painful miscarriage is, I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing.
Samantha and Seams inspired, I always appreciate your comments, thank you so much!
Children are such blessings! So are wonderful blogging friends!
So Sweet! Thanks for sharing that!
Very touching, Kathy. I guess I’d feel the same way if I got pregnant again. However, I feel I’m not ready or will ever be…again I don’t know. After the recent miscarriage and the thought of doing IVF for a 3rd round, I’m not too sure. It’s too emotionally taxing for me. But, well, who knows right? As you very clearly pointed out, you can never regret anything when it comes to our children and all the joy they bring into our lives!
I love this. As always, your writing is quite honest and beautiful!
What a wonderful secret wish 🙂 I understand wanting to do whatever you think people expect of you (making responsible choices, etc). I was 29 (and unwed with a very new boyfriend) when I saw those two lines on a stick, but when it came to telling my parents, I swear I felt like I was 16 or something.
What a great story. I only have one child but always dreamed of having three or four. It took me seven years to get and stay pregnant with medical help. I spent the entire 8 months of my pregnancy in the hospital and then my little preemie was born. She is now 14 years old and worth everything I went through,
I can not have any more children because I needed to have a hysterectomy. It was not a choice I wanted to make. I feel blessed that I have a wonderful daughter.
I’m so glad your secret wish came true! It sounds like it was the perfect thing to have happen to your family!
Thank you Alexandra for you very sweet comments, I really appreciate your comments.
Nina, it is amazing how as grown women we can still fear our parents disaproval. I do wonder if my children will feel the same way. I hope not! Thank you so much for sharing that story. It must have been a confusing time.
Glynis, I am so happy you have your beautiful daughter! We went through two years of infertiltiy and that was difficult. I can’t imagine what you went through. Thank you so much for sharing your story as well. I feel so blessed to have the greatest people read my blog! Thank you all so much.
Ada, Thank you for your comment as well, we must have been wriitng at the same time. I am very glad my wish came true too! He is very cute! Thanks again!
Beautiful post. I have 2, and had many tests during both pregnancies, and I swore the day all the drama started while I was pregnant with our second that he would be the last… But as he nears 2, there is a part of me that wants that third… I’m glad you’re wish came true; miracles every one.
Isn’t it funny how our logical minds can tell us one thing but our hearts something else! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it really does mean so much to me! Thanks!
Such a beautiful post. Your kids have a fantastic mom. 🙂
That is a wonderful and beautiful story. I really love your blog and for that reason i’m giving you the versatile blogger award. I hope you will accept. http://andweareoffto.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-first-award.html
I’m not married, don’t have kids, but I was led to your blog and I enjoyed reading the last few posts. You seem to be an awesome blogger, mom and person; I’ll be coming back for more!
Kathy,
When we decided to adopt our little girl, I was afraid to tell my parents! It seemed crazy to expand our family at our late age… but my parents were thrilled for us — and for her. She is my dad’s sweet baby girl! He absolutely adores her!!!
About that blogging award, I’d be honored. Thanks so much! 🙂
Thank you all for your great comments. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the support! Thanks again!
Karen I am so glad you will accept!
Awe! I loved this post! And despite the fact that I have enough kids and I physically can’t have any more children, a surprise such as the one you described would be so terrific.
Again, great post Kathy!
Sandra I too can not physically have any more children yet I would still be completly thrilled! Thanks for the comment!
i just loved reading that. i too have a secret wish but dont tell my hubby he would freak! xxx
Nice story!
http://www.littlemisskindergarten.blogspot.com