As hard as it is for me to believe this, I’m the mother of a teenager. In fact Tom will be entering 10th grade this September.
The years have gone so fast that I really feel as if one day I was taking pictures of him graduating from our Mommy and Me class, the next day I couldn’t believe he was in the fourth grade, and then bang, he was in high school.
Play dates at friends houses have been replaced by going out for sushi, a movie, or walking around town with his buddies. Alone. No adults watching over them.
Instead of chatting with his friends’ parents over coffee at kitchen tables, we wave to them out of car windows.
The times they are a changin.
Whenever my family or friends ask about Tom and marvel at the fact that he is now a teenager, the subject of alcohol and drugs always seems to come up. As in, how will I handle it when he comes home drunk for the first time? Or what will I do if I find out that he had been using drugs?
I always find the questions a bit baffling because it’s just assumed that Tom will try these things. In fact the common answer I get from most of my friends and family is that of course he will.
Truth be told, I find this mindset maddening. And if I was a kid today, I would find it really confusing.
From the time Tom was in kindergarten, he has been learning in school that drinking and drugs are dangerous choices. He has read books and been shown movies about how alcohol can affect your judgment and make it easier to engage in other risky behaviors like unprotected sex or driving under the influence.
In eighth grade his health teacher made the whole class write letters addressed to themselves making the promise that they won’t smoke, drink, or have unprotected sex in high school.
Yet so many parents take it as a foregone conclusion that their kids will engage in any manner of risky behavior.
I’ve been accused of living in “La La Land” if I think otherwise. “Kids will be kids,” some say. Others will chime in with, “after all we did it.”
Really? Is this the criteria we are going to base our parenting on?
I get it. My son is growing up, and he’s going to have to make choices for himself.
I want him to spread his wings and discover who he is. And as much as some people think I’m living under a rock, I do know that he is going to make mistakes along the way.
But, I want him to know where I stand on engaging in behaviors that are at best risky and at worst illegal or life threatening.
I never want my son to say that I wasn’t clear about my feelings — so I’m writing them out here, for all to see.
Dear Tom,
The legal drinking age in this country is 21. Please know that dad and I will never allow you to have alcohol in our house or in our presence until you reach that age. Please also know that no good has ever come from a group of teenagers drinking. It’s a recipe for all kinds of disasters.
If you should choose to drink, you’ll not only be breaking the rules of our house, you’ll be breaking the law.
If you get stopped for driving under the influence, or the police get called to a party where you have been drinking, you may be in a position where we can’t protect you.
Always call me and your dad. ALWAYS. No matter what you have done.
Don’t ever follow up a bad choice with one that’s worse just because you’re afraid of disappointing us or making us angry.
Will we be happy? Of course not. But we would much rather get you and any friend that wants to come with you home safely, then get a call that you are NEVER coming home.
Let me be clear that the fact that we love you and will stand by you does not in any way mean we will stand by while you do things that you know aren’t good for you.
There will be those who will tell you that your parents are being unreasonable and totally unrealistic. Some may tell you that you are a teenager and that it’s a rite of passage to get drunk. They may even regale you with stories of their own youthful mistakes.
Listen to your own heart and trust your gut. Also know there is nothing cool about waking up in your own vomit, or having a DUI before you are 18.
Your father and I are so proud of the man you are becoming. We love you so much that we don’t care if you hate us. That’s our gift to you, we are your parents not your friends.
Always,
Mom
Related articles across the web
This is such an important message to share with teens. There are so many that will tell them something else.
JDaniel4’s Mom recently posted…Fun for Kids: Ice Play- The Sunday Showcase
Thanks so much. I do feel as a parent it’s our job to set the bar high. xo
Kathy – I told Melissa the same thing. I told her to NEVER get in the car with someone who is drunk, and she can always call us, it doesn’t matter what time it is, or where she is. I also truly believe that she is a good person with a great head on her shoulders, and that she will not make made choices. I also feel that way about 90% of her friends, who I love dearly, but here are a couple that I can see giving in to peer pressure and making bad choices. Kathy, you and I have raised great kids, I know that both Tom and Melissa are going to be just fine!!
Lisa in the end we really don’t know what they will do, and they are human beings that may (Lord I hope not! Lol!) make mistakes. My issue is with the idea that we should assume they are going to make a mistake, that seems confusing to me. I know Tom and Melissa are great kids and I too trust that their better heads will prevail, and if they should make a mistake, will at least keep at it one and call us!! Love to you! xo
Beautiful message in your letter here and I will admit I have a bit of a ways to go here with my own girls, but I truly hope that they too know right from wrong enough not to make these types of mistakes from being taught by Kevin and I, because like you I will be I stilling these lessons as they grow up now, too.
Janine Huldie recently posted…Today It’s My SITS Girls Day!
Thanks Janine! You do have a ways to go, but you will be shocked at how fast it goes. I know I was! xo
Oh god Kathy still not ready, but I pinned so that when it does happen in the end, I will be more then covered. Huge thank you again 🙂 xoxo!!
Janine Huldie recently posted…The Stars And Stripes Edition – GLOSSYBOX June 2014
Kathy I congratulate you on taking a stand and for making it very clear to Tom. And it was clearly done with lots of love. I think teens need to know what’s expected of them. In any event, it doesn’t hurt you and will probably be a huge help. Best of luck!!!
[email protected] recently posted…Skinny Baked Chipotle Chicken
i got stuck on your comment about how we used to have coffee with friends and now wave from cars.. so true already. i couldn’t love the letter more. and i so agree with the fact that we confuse them with these message of don’t do drugs/drinking and then assume they will. yet i’m such a realist… still, i think your take is way smarter. i’m going with you. i’m am an optimistic realist. 🙂
Ice Scream Mama recently posted…Mom on the sidelines
It is strange isn’t Alisa! My friends and I sometimes find ourselves sitting in our cars, holding up traffic and chatting because it’s so strange to just drop off or pick up with just a hi, catch you later! Lol! I like your term being an optimistic realist. xo
This letter really struck a chord with me. I agree that it’s a mistake to start with the foregone conclusion that, “Kids will be kids.” It’s up to parents to raise the bar of expectation. We are raising strong individuals, not a herd of sheep. Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Liesl thank you so much, I completely agree it’s up to us as their parents to raise the bar. And I love your comment that we are raising strong individuals not a heard of sheep! xox
Thank you for this! We have this conversation with our teenagers quite often. As someone who doesn’t drink (and didn’t, even when I was a teenager and “everyone else” was doing it), I have always been offended by the presumption that every teenager is going to engage in risky behaviors. Yes, teenagers will try new things and test their limits, but that doesn’t mean we need to lay out a blanket approval for them to do things which we know are unhealthy and dangerous.
Kari recently posted…10 signs you might have waited a little too long to mow your lawn
Kari I totally agree with you. I think it’s really confusing to be a kid now because they are getting mixed messages. It’s not that different than when they were babies, we covered plugs, we made sure the house was as baby proofed as possible. Did it mean that no child ever took the cap off the plug, or figured out how to climb the tallest shelf, of course not, but we did make it harder and let them know what we expected. Thank you so much for your feedback! xo
I’m certain this resonates with every parent, it’s such a good letter.
Carol Cassara recently posted…Summer beach treasures
Thanks Carol! xo
Really love this. I think I’ll do the same when my kids are a bit older. My mom was an alcoholic, and she tried to talk to me about drinking when I was in highschool, but it had to be hard for her because she probably felt a little hypocritical telling me not to drink when she was drunk :-/
I also don’t assume that my kids will try alcohol or drugs. They are smart kids and I tell them that I trust them to make good choices. If that’s living in La La Land, then I guess that’s okay!
Julie recently posted…Good Stuff #1 – Air.
Well maybe we can get a discounted group rate in “La la land! Lol! Thank you so much for sharing Julie, I really appreciate it! xo
Yup, we also made sure our daughters always knew to call us (they never really partied, so they never did). Funny thing, my youngest works for Safe Ride on her college campus, so now she gets the calls!
Kim Tackett recently posted…practicing flex(ability)
Kim thanks for sharing about your own kids. I always love to hear about kids who do make the best choices for themselves and the fact that your daughter is now helping other kids get home safely means you must have taught her well!! xo
Thank you, thank you , thank you! I am so tired of hearing this crap from parents who are usually so busy getting drunk themselves that they don’t parent anymore. I have lost friendships with people I care about because I feel so strongly about it. My best friend of 20 something years because she allowed my daughter to drink not only in her home but WITH her (her daughter is now an alcoholic). I see it all the time then they say “Well at least they are home when they do it” 90% of children who commit suicide are home to, does that make it okay? My kids are grown and gone and yes there was a couple of times they did drink but it was dealt with swiftly and NO tolerance was given. Now they are grown adult and my son may have a beer seldomly and my daughter and her husband don’t drink at all. I am not saying I am perfect by any means but parents don’t take this seriously enough I don’t think. Know your children’s friends that would be the most important piece of advice I can give oh and check up on them once in a while. Even the best kids can be talked into stupid activities. I was not my child’s friend, I was her parent ONLY! Guess what she is married and pregnant and NOW we are the best of friends and she thanks me!
Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver recently posted…ALZHEIMER’S WILL FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE…EVEN YOUR DREAMS!
Thank you Rena. I feel very strongly about being my sons parent and not his friend. That does not mean I’m not friendly or don’t share past mistakes. But I really feel that kids are getting a mixed message and that is dangerous. I realize Tom may make choices I would prefer him not to, but I don’t ever want him to doubt where I stand on those choices. Many people disagree with me too! Thanks so much for sharing!
I handled this a little differently – I was very honest with my kids about the mistakes I made, and in turn they were open with me about their (few) bad choices. I also think it helped that their father and I rarely drank around them – in fact, I don’t drink at all anymore. A lot of what kids do, I believe, comes from what they see around them.
Sharon Greenthal recently posted…Searching for the New in an Empty Nest
Thanks Sharon. Both my husband and I do not drink, and stopped long before our kids were born, so they have never seen it around them. I think this may help. But I also think it could work against us. I don’t think Tom would do something because of peer pressure but I do know he is a very curious person who wants to have a lot of experiences. I do hope that the open communication we have set forward will help him as he carves out his own path. 🙂
Been there,had the conversation x3. Be prepared to be alone on this one much of the time. Other parents start strong and then cave in to peer pressure to be “cool.” I’ve heard stories about parents turning a blind eye to activities under their own roof–and think they’re being responsible by putting out a bowl for car keys so no one drives home. And many parents don’t have a clue what goes on. I used to be the mother who called…and found out after the fact that kids had been drinking or smoking dope at their house when the parents assured me that there wouldn’t be anything like that happening on their watch! My husband and I lost several of our young friends due to carelessness, drug overdoses and drinking-related accidents. As our kids reached the age yours is, he pulled out our high school yearbook and pointed out who those kids were, saying the one thing they all had in common was that they thought they were indestructible.
Risa recently posted…Grandmothers, Canned Goods, and Natsukashi
Couldn’t agree more with your letter – perfect! My sons are 19 and 16, and they both get angry when others assume they will drink and/or do drugs. As a parent, there’s nothing wrong with the expectation that they won’t do those things. We also agree that we are their parent, not their friend.
Lana recently posted…A Reason To Eat Chocolate
Great post, Kathy. I’m lucky to be the mom of a kid that’s pretty put off by drinking and drugs and has called me from many a part she no longer wants to be at. A couple of days ago, though, she told me that she often shows up at places where she knows friends will be drinking, because she wants to be there to drive them home and to make sure nobody puts themselves or anyone else in danger. And I applaud her wanting to protect her friends, but at the same time, I liked it better when she stayed away from those situations altogether. She’s doing a good deed … at a place where I don’t want her. She’s home now and I need to bring up this discussion again. And I’m honestly not sure how I want to react to this.
Parri Sontag (Her Royal Thighness) recently posted…Podunk, Podunk, A Hell of a Town!
That’s a fantastic message Kathy. My parents were much of the same ilk. And I didn’t drink until I was of age, aside from a sip here and there, and was never tempted by drugs. I’m as sure as you are that your son won’t be a statistic.
Liv recently posted…Learning to Let it Go
Amen. Kids need to know where we stand. We can’t assume it. We have to say it.
I am many, many years away from this with my two kids but this letter is fabulous. I think that kids need to know clearly where their parents stand on issue especially drinking, and drugs. What i love most is that you reminded Tom that you are his parent and not his friend. I think a lot of parents forget to parent and want so badly to be their teens friend and be “cool” that they truly forget to remind their kids of what’s important. Well done!
Renee @ My So-Called Mommy Life recently posted…Toddler Pampering with Kandoo Bubble Bath
Congrats again (on the Huff Post)! I really loved how you ended this by highlighting that you are a parent, not his friend. Rules and boundaries are important in parenting and as odd as some might find this, it’s true that children thrive and need such boundaries. Bravo!
Joy recently posted…When Helping Doesn’t Help
With you all the way, Kathy! I only got drunk once in high school, and honest to God I didn’t know I was walking into a drinking party and wouldn’t have gone if I did know. But once there I felt a bit of pressure to be cool, drank, go caught, got punished, and didn’t do it again until college. In college, I drank underage, engaged in dangerous behaviors, and if it weren’t for good friends who made it a priority to watch out for each other and to always have a designated driver, I’d have been very unlucky indeed.
The funny thing is, once a person is so drunk they become ill, or arrested, or get hurt, they realize there’s nothing cool about it at all.
Great post.
Nicole Leigh Shaw recently posted…50 Shades of Food–Sex Dreams
Every parent should print this out and use it, it’s that wonderful. I read another blog that has been making the rounds the other day about a mom that gave her daughter her first joint because she would rather have it come from her than someone else because, “she’s going to do it anyways.” It was infuriating! I drank before the legal age, I dabbled in some pretty low key pot smoking. But none of it was a good idea and when I think back on those experiences, I looked like a completed idiot. I will not, not ever, tell my child it is okay to drink, especially not drink and drive! do any sort of drugs, or have sex as a teen. I will let them know my expectations as well as letting them know I will always be there to help them. I love this post, it reaffirms my belief that there are reasonable parents still out there in this day and age of “being best friends” with ones child and allowing them to do what they want just because “they will anyways”. Thank you thank you thank you!
My Special Kind of Crazy recently posted…Instead Of Standing There With The Refrigerator Door Open, Try This!
Oh, and to those that say they are years away from these conversations with your children…I have already started talking to my 5 year old about smoking and drinking. Not indepth worst case scenario conversations but more along the lines of, “ew…smoking is so stinky! And it makes your lungs black…who wants that??” or “beer and wine are okay for mommy and daddy’s, but not okay for kids, not ever.”
I think the more it comes up in conversation, the more it gets ingrained into the family culture, the more comfortable kids will be talking about it when the time REALLY comes to have those hard discussions. And by that time, you’ve been talking so much about it, maybe it won’t be that hard anymore.
My Special Kind of Crazy recently posted…Instead Of Standing There With The Refrigerator Door Open, Try This!
I saved this to perhaps use to draft my own letter. It is completely absurd that we continue to tell children “do not make these choices” but tell others later in life, “of course they will try things.” I only hope my boys realize the lives their father and I have chosen to lead are the examples we hope they choose to lead. My mother sat me down when I was a teen and said something very similar, and I signed a contract, stating I would call home, no matter the time, if I was ever in a bad situation, understanding that of course they would be upset and disappointed, but it was better to deal with the disappointment than to lose my life. And I think all of those who state that you are dreaming if you think something like this would work for your child need to take a little look at their own lives and the choices made. Because if a parent’s words match their actions, the child will not make those choices. My parents raised 3 children who did not drink or do drugs while teens. And yes, I attended parties and I lived my life (I was not a hermit) and no, my parents did not have strict rules. It can work. And if you know your child, you already know what you need to do to protect your child.
Sarah thank you so much for your comment!!! I know it drives me nuts too. The mixed message must be so confusing as a teen. I am glad that the letter has sparked so much conversation and of course my husband and I have been talking to Tom about all the comments and what they mean. I do have to wonder if sometimes we want to be friends with our kids thinking this will help them. I do not agree, I think they need parents. Thanks again for your support! 🙂
Would you warn your son about the dangers of homosexuality too?
I don’t think there is danger in homosexuality. I do warn my kids about getting into any sexual situation before they are emotionally ready. I would not want any of my children to enter into a sexual relationship until they were in a committed relationship, whether they were gay or straight. Of course, all I can do is teach and guide my kids. They will ultimately have to make their own decision.
I am so glad I read your open letter. I have daughters who are currently 4 and 1… and time is already flying by. I hope to be able to share some similar sentiments with them when they are pre-teens / teenagers… … and I fully agree that it should NOT be a foregone conclusion that any kid would engage in such behaviors. I hope there are more and more parents out there who are continuing to read your letter and are encouraged by it.
Jennifer it’s tough! I’m actually surprised at how many parents disagree with me. Especially since our kids get such a strong anti alcohol/drug message in school. On a very happy note, I have gotten messages and emails from parents who did take a similar approach with their children and their kids did not drink and did not go crazy when they went to college. Thank you so much!!! 🙂
Hi Kathy,
Great letter. We told both of our 2 kids that no matter what, they could call us ANY time they needed too. Our “youngest” is now 31 and we’re still talking! I’m going to show them your “Letter” and remind them.
Thank you for saying it so well.
Rob
Rob thanks so much!! I think it’s so important that kids know that they can come to us, even if they know we won’t be thrilled. It’s so good to know your kids are grown and are happy and healthy people!! It gives me much hope!! Thanks again!
Hey Kathy,
Funny that I stumbled on your blog today. I was going through boxes of old things last night and found a similar letter my father wrote to me when I was about 15 years old. I am almost 28 and have held on to that letter for all this time because of how much it meant to me and the impact my father’s words had on my life. I definitely still made mistakes but I dodged many bullets that friends of mine did not because I knew where my father stood on things like this. Friends who overdosed, crashed while DUI and much much more. Your son may not tell you right now but letters like this do imprint themselves on your children’s soul. Good job mama!
Sincerely, Laura
laura thank you so much for sharing this!!! Contrary to what many think, I realize Tom is going to make mistakes, but I do hope, just like your father did, that by knowing where we stand it will help Tom as he goes out into the world. Thanks again!!!! You made my day!
Women are such dumb control freak prison guards. I tell my son to drink and smoke, stare at Kim Kardashian’s ass, and walk around on stage in your underwear. I always get this, “Dad, you’re crazy” response. See? Lesson learned. Short sweet and to the point. Now tell your girls to stop walking around on stage in their underwear and we’ll call it even.
Thankfully we are all entitled to our own opinions. Thank you for sharing yours.
I read your letter (which appeared on my yahoo news. What a beautiful, meaningful, heartfelt letter, I am going to show my own 4 kids this and explain to them that this is how I feel. I am a single daddy and I am so proud of how well they are growing and becoming young adults. My first will be leaving for college in less than a month. . .where as the time gone?! I still remember her on my lap and I reading to her her favorite Bunny books. 🙁 Oh how I wish those special times where back. . .time just keeps on getting faster and faster and it seem I cannot stop the flow of sand slipping through my fingers. Teach them to be good, to follow and love God and all of His rules. . if we have taught them this, all we can do is TRUST that they will have the grace and strength to say NO to drugs, drinking and sex. Thanks again
Congratulations on your daughter going off to college! You are right, it does go way too fast, my husband and I can’t get over how fast it all goes. Thanks for your feedback, it’s nice to know we are not alone in our beliefs.
My parents had a strong anti drug or alcohol approach in my upbringing. I am proud to say that I am 25 years old and I’ve never done drugs or had a taste of alcohol. Of course friends have tried to influence me in high school and in college to drink or do drugs, but I would always stood my ground. I didn’t care if they said I was a loser or not cool; those things just weren’t for me. I’m glad that I choose to stand my ground because; I’ve had friends that have died doing drug, alcohol poisoning and driving drunk. I feel very lucky that my parents had high expectations for my 3 older brothers and I and that they never assumed that drinking or drugs was a rite of passage.
Thank you so much for saying this Lisa! It gives me much hope!
I think parents are given too little credit in the influence that they have on their children’s decisions and that its a norm that friends will alway out influence the parents.
Thank you Lisa!
Kudo’s. I sent a similar message to my son 25 years ago when blogs did not exist. I let him know, I tried to raise him in a loving caring atmosphere, did all his costumes, attended all his sports, his riding lessons, sat hours at night working on algebra, read every book he needed to do a report on to help him, but there was no way I would ever abide by drinking, drugs, tattoos, or piercing’s. I am happy to say my son is 42, never a moment of real problems, the usual spats with friends, but a stand-up person, who takes total responsibility for his actions, which include, not even a pArking ticket, I am blessed.
Thanks for saying this, it gives me hope!!!
The problem with this hopeful but inaccurate letter is that it speaks to the wrong brain. The writer just assumes that if her child has been taught and understands the dangers of drugs and alcohol, he won’t try them. If that were true, no one would drink. It is not our rational brain (prefrontal cortex) that decides to drink. It is the emotional brain (amygdala). And it doesn’t consider all the sensible points set forth in the open letter. It just acts.
Since man existed he has tried to alter his consciousness. (All of the moms here no doubt make jokes about “two glasses of wine days.”) From scary movies to roller coasters to just spinning in place, humans like to alter how they feel,l and drugs are the easiest way to do it. Plus they stop for a while the social anxiety that teens are especially prey to. Your son will try alcohol. You can only hope he is not one of the percentage who become addicted.
Mike your opinion is one that is shared by many people, including many in my own family! Thank you very much for your thoughtful response, I do appreciate it.
Really, really, really love this powerful letter! I understand what you are saying about mixed messages, but I see this a bit differently. I am teaching my child about making good choices, but I have to be prepared to handle the very real possibility that he may make some poor choices. From that perspective, what I love about your letter is that you are stating your expectations, but also offering an option – you can call us, your mom and dad, no matter what. As a teen, I made some poor choices (thankfully with no long lasting consequences), but never knew or felt that I could call my parents. Thank you for sharing this.
Jena thank you. I know this is a concern to many parents I know, how do you teach them one thing, and say one thing, yet know that so many kids make other choices. And that making choices and even making mistakes is all part of growing up. I do feel as Toms parent it’s my job to set out what we expect of him, but let him know we are here, no matter what. It’s a tough job Jena and I think we all are doing the best we can. Thank you so much for your great comment. 🙂
PARENT! Not “friend.” YES!! Ugh, my own two parents had/have the weirdest time walking that wonky line… RIP Mom and now, my Dad’s disabled so realistically, I do the parenting now. :/ #firsthandexperience
Thank you so much!
When I graduated from High school in 1991 I was a virgin and have even to this day never abused legal or used illegal drugs of any kind. Yes, that means not even pot. I didn’t go to parties and get drunk in high school or anything like that. I don’t feel as though I have missed out and I can honestly tell my son that No, not everyone does it. My son has a heart condition and has had 4 heart surgeries. With all the designer drugs out there It terrifies me to think of what could happen to him if he even tried it just once. And yes, people think I am naïve to believe there is a chance that he wont. It’s good to know I’m not the only mother out there who believes there is at least a chance and isn’t afraid to address it with her son.
Candy thank you and no you are not alone! Like you I realize that my influence is only going to carry my son so far, but I do think as parents we need to raise the bar and let them know what we expect of them. Maybe we can get a discount rate in La La Land!! Lol! Thanks again. And, please know my thoughts are with you and your son. Four heart surgeries!! You guys have been through so much. Wishing you both all the luck in the world!! xo
Excellent! I have an 18 year old son getting ready to go to college. Like his 21 year old sister before him, he has NEVER drank or drugged. Some people have told me they have been the exception and not the rule. It’s odd though all their friends are that exception as well. I suppose my kids, and their friends, are just exceptional. 🙂 I do believe there are many kids out there making the choice not to drink or drug and for people to say this is not the norm, well they may be the naive ones. To say we are being unreasonable in our expectations is almost like their permission to their children. So, thank you. A great reminder there are other roads for young people to take…and there are many on that road, perhaps enough to cause a traffic jam. Excellent!
Thank you. I have been so touched by all the parents that have reached out to me and told me the same thing. This is a sticky subject and people have strong feelings about it. I think what will always baffle me is that as a society we say it’s wrong, and teach them it’s wrong, but then say, they are going to do it anyway. I love your last line, and I hope it does cause a traffic jam!! Thanks again! 🙂
While I mostly agree with your letter to your son, I feel that there are ways to significantly reduce a teenager’s experimentation for some substances – the way my parents did for me (I’m 54 so that was back in the 70’s). My father was a wine expert of sorts and even made his own wine from grapes that he grew on our property when I was a kid. He told us that, if we wanted to drink, we should drink in the house and he would provide the alcohol. We weren’t to drive out of the house anywhere. This made the idea of drinking fairly mundane and I had no interest in doing something crazy just to say I drank a little alcohol. My mother smoked cigarettes, something I HATED (waking up to the scent of cigarettes was yucky as a kid). She told us that if we ever wanted to smoke, we should ask her for one of her cigarettes. Case closed. Nobody wanted to smoke because it wasn’t “cool”, anyway.
I think telling a kid that the drinking age is 21 is fairly ridiculous when he could join the military at 18 and be fighting in a foreign country a year later.
Your point is valid and one that is shared by a lot of members in my own family. As for me telling my son that he can drink till he is 21, I’m not telling him that, the law is telling him that. I do agree that it is beyond messed up that a young person can fight for our country at 18 but not drink till they are 21. I would argue that if we feel as a society an 18 year old is too young to handle alcohol then 18 is also too young to go to war. But we can open up that can of worms another day. Thank you for your thoughtful response, I do really appreciate it.
Great message about drinking and drugs but why the message that sex is okay as long as it’s protected? The premise of your message is that your son could have protected sex at your home but not a beer? I have 2 daughters whom I was going to have a look at this but kept hearing a message that premarital sex is acceptable with protection. An interesting contrast in the values we are trying to instill in my opinion and was curious. We tell them to abstain from drugs and alcohol but sex is okay as long as it’s protected?
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I was citing what my son has been taught in school and that is that drinking, drugs and unprotected sex are dangerous. Personally I do think it’s a bit more of a gray area, the law is not telling me or my son when he can have sex. My biggest concern with all three of my children is that when they decide to have sex that they are in a relationship that is healthy and committed and part of that means they are protecting themselves from unplanned pregnancies and STD’s. I am teaching my children to value themselves and others, and that sex is not something they have to jump into. I imagine that many reading my letter may expect me to have a different attitude and I understand your confusion. To be clear, I would not condone my children having sex in my home anymore than I would condone drinking a beer. Thank you again for a very thoughtful comment.
Very raw and honest. As parents, all we want is for our kids to be safe and law-abiding.