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one mom's attempt to find humor in the chaos

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It’s All Good

May 25, 2014 By Kathy Radigan

Group of happy children lying on green grass outdoors in spring park

The other day my daughter LIzzy and I were out to lunch with my parents. I was having so much fun watching her tell our favorite waitress what she wanted to order.

“That one” Lizzy proudly says as she points to the macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. This is the whole reason we’re having lunch at Friendly’s instead of someplace my parents and I would find a bit more appealing. My daughter loves her mac and cheese.

I coached Lizzy to use her words and not just point. Despite having to deal with many more tables, Colleen waited so patiently for every word to come out her 12-year-old mouth. Then she lavishly praised her for doing such a great job.

Once lunch was finished and Lizzy had just as much ice cream and hot fudge on her dress and face as she did in her stomach, Colleen came back to our table to bring the check and chat a bit.

Eating out can be a bit of a hassle for anyone with kids, but when you’re the parent of a special needs child, restaurants can be particularly stressful. Colleen is also the mother of a child with special needs, and she’s always been wonderful and supportive to me through the years we’ve been coming here.

My family has known her for so long that she was very excited to share with us that her daughter got engaged and would be getting married soon. My parents and I smiled and let her know how thrilled we were for her family when Colleen said something that literally took my breath away.

She said that her daughter had always made it clear to her future husband that she came as a package. It meant so much to her that the man she was marrying understood and was OK with the fact that she would take care of her brother when her parents could no longer do it.

Colleen saw my reaction and the tears that fell down my cheek and smiled.

“Kathy, it’s all good. It’s what she wants and how she feels. You know your boys feel the same way about Lizzy. It’s what’s important to them.”

I do know my boys feel the same way about their sister. Especially our oldest son, Tom, who has been telling my husband Joe and I that he would make sure he and Peter took care of Lizzy when we were gone ever since he was about seven.

I’ve always had mixed feelings about the devotion Tom has to his sister. Of course I think it’s beautiful. But we’ve been very clear that Lizzy is our daughter and our responsibility. Though we are deeply touched by his desire to always be there for her, we have been so careful to never give him the message that he has to ever alter his life because Lizzy has special needs.

Yet despite this, I know that he feels differently. The idea that he would one day tell his future wife that if she wants a life with him, she’ll have to accept the fact that his sister could one day be his, and their, responsibility, scares the hell out of me.

For me it’s one more reminder that we are not a typical family. Other parents talk about the day their chickens finally leave the nest, but I know in my heart that that day may never really come for us. At least not in the way I thought it would when Joe and I started our family.

I always describe myself as being a special needs mom, but in reality we are a special needs family. We have not had to tell our boys to feel responsible for Lizzy, they do that because they love her. I will do all in my power to make sure that our daughter is well cared for, even after we are gone so that our boys never feel they have to help her. But it does warm my heart to know that they want to. As my friend Colleen said, it’s all good.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Special Needs Tagged With: brothers and sisters, Eating out with kids, special needs children, special needs families

Comments

  1. Leigh-Mary says

    May 25, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Awesome post. Could have written it myself … Right down to our lunch at Friendly’s today. : )

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 6:01 am

      Thank you so much!!! xo

  2. Terrye says

    May 25, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    I don’t think I even remember what it’s like to live in a “normal” family any more. Special needs kiddos make life more interesting. 😀

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 6:02 am

      Terrye you are so right! xo

  3. Ice Scream Mama says

    May 26, 2014 at 4:59 am

    So beautiful and heartwarming. Your family is clearly special in many ways. xo
    Ice Scream Mama recently posted…The good old daysMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 6:03 am

      You are so sweet!! Thank you so much Alisa! xo

  4. Karen says

    May 26, 2014 at 6:53 am

    The fact that your boys feel a sense of responsibility to your daughter is merely a testament to how well you’ve shown them to love. Your family is beautiful. Thanks for sharing this.
    Karen recently posted…Mum’s imaginary thoughts on Social MediaMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 8:48 am

      What a lovely thing to say Karen, thank you! xo

  5. Pam@over50feeling40 says

    May 26, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Such a sweet story…and I a great example for families who don’t have special needs. We sometimes take each other for granted and I have seen some get annoyed when asked to help a family member. But, you family has always known to be there for one another. So sweet and precious. Enjoyed the story.
    Pam@over50feeling40 recently posted…Evening at the Museum…Worthy of Two Posts!My Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 8:56 am

      Pam thank you so much for saying that, I have never thought of it in that way, but you are right. Having a family member with a special need, (whatever that may be) does mean that there is an extra amount of understanding that may not be present otherwise. It’s one of those strange blessings that occur in life! Thanks again!

  6. Katie Paul says

    May 26, 2014 at 7:03 am

    As well as a great post, that’s a fabulous photo. I LOVE it!
    Katie Paul recently posted…My Work in PrintMy Profile

  7. Janine Huldie says

    May 26, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Aww, Kathy straight from the heart and I know in my heart of hearts you are the best mother and that is why your boys are the way the are. I have no doubt Lizzie will be cared for after you are long gone one way or another now. Hugs and beautiful said once again 🙂
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Tumble Leaf – Amazon Prime’s Entertaining & Educational Kid’s ShowMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 8:49 am

      Thank you, thank you dear friend! Love you!

  8. Jennifer Wolfe says

    May 26, 2014 at 8:43 am

    Beautiful, Kathy. Families do come in all sorts of shapes and sizes- andoat important of all is the love your kids have for each other.
    Jennifer Wolfe recently posted…Don’t Ever Let Go Of The ThreadMy Profile

  9. Kathy Radigan says

    May 26, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Jennifer thank you so much!! You are right, families do come in all shapes and sizes, that’s a great thing for me to remember! xo

  10. Lisa Weinstein says

    May 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Kathy – it is really so simple….your boys love Lizzy. End of story. xoxo

  11. Carol Cassara says

    May 26, 2014 at 8:58 am

    You’ve raised a family of beautiful souls. Lucky you–and them!
    Carol Cassara recently posted…Oh for a bookMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      Carol thank you so much! xo

  12. Sharon Greenthal says

    May 26, 2014 at 9:28 am

    What a wonderful family. It’s all a reflection of your parenting. You should be so proud.
    Sharon Greenthal recently posted…A World War II Love Story for Memorial DayMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      Thanks Sharon, I really appreciate you saying that. 🙂

  13. Ava Chin says

    May 26, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Beautiful and breath-taking post, Kathy! What a truly lovely family you have. So proud of you and your boys!
    Ava Chin recently posted…The Birth of a Book, Enter Eating WildlyMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 26, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      Ava, you are so sweet dear friend. Thank you! xo

  14. Elin Stebbins Waldal says

    May 26, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Beautiful. Truly, love knows no boundary, and when we catch a glimpse of that in our children, it’s pure magic. The thing that I also love about this story is the love that Lizzy, by simply being who she is, evokes pure devotion. I am always caught off guard when I am witness to the deciton our children have for one another, your story really touched me, thank you for sharing.
    Elin Stebbins Waldal recently posted…A Memorial Day Love StoryMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 27, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely words Elin! xo

  15. Lisa Froman says

    May 27, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    What a beautiful post. Made me tear up; the timing of this message for me is perfect. Thank you.
    P.S. Yes, what a special family you have. Says a lot.

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 27, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      Lisa thank you so much. xo

  16. Stephanie says

    May 30, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    How sweet that your son and her daughter have thought about the future in a way that so many kids have/do not. It’s really something special that they are not only aware but are willing to take on whatever comes. Amazing kids.
    Stephanie recently posted…HomeMy Profile

    • Kathy Radigan says

      May 30, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      Thank you so much!

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Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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