Lately it seems I can’t go a day without seeing a quiz pop up in my Facebook timeline asking me to find out what Disney Princess I am or what my taste in music says about my personality.
With the school year quickly coming to an end, I decided to come up with a quiz that crazed moms like me could really use: Just how over the school year are you?
I understand you may feel you don’t need a silly quiz to tell you that you’ve had your fill of science projects and math homework. But we moms are busy people, especially at this time of the year. You may not know whether your stress level just requires a few deep breaths and a cup of tea, or if you are in full overload mode that only a girl’s night out or two weeks in Hawaii will relieve.
Never fear, I am here to help. Answer the following questions as honestly as you can.
When you see paper cups in the supermarket, do you think…
- What a waste of precious resources? Why does anyone still use paper cups?
- Paper cups, paper cups? I need paper cups for my daughter’s Flat Stanley party tomorrow.
- Paper cups? Sh*%! I was supposed to send in the cups for my daughter’s Flat Stanley party today. Thank goodness I remembered.
- PAPER CUPS? Damn it! I totally forgot I was supposed to send in cups last Friday for my daughter’s Flat Stanley party. Wait a minute. Did I volunteer to bring cups for her end-of-the-year soccer party tomorrow, or did I say I would bake cookies? Cookies, cookies, I think I told my son I would bake cookies for his Friendship Club party on Wednesday. Or was it cups?
The sight of a backpack stuffed to the brim with a year’s worth of drawings, paintings, and school work makes you…
- Thrilled that your child had such a great year. You can’t wait to add them to the collage you are working on to surprise them for the end of the year.
- Roll your eyes a bit. But you’re glad to see the work your kids have made. You pick one or two to put on the fridge.
- Put the backpack in a closet. You’ll worry about it later. (Later comes when the smell of the lunch your kid didn’t eat wafts throughout the house.)
- “Accidentally” throw the whole thing out. When asked for the location, feign ignorance. You won’t have to feign much. By the time anyone mentions it, you’ll have forgotten the backpack.
Your child comes home with a note informing you that the book they took out of the school library back in December must be returned before the last day of school, which is tomorrow, or they will not receive their report card. Do you…
- Realize the name on the note is not your child’s, which you knew anyway because your kids return all books in a timely fashion?
- Feel horrible that you let this slip? Remind yourself to have a good talk with your kid about the importance of living up to their responsibilities. Then walk in their room and see the book safely in the book case. Take a deep breath and slip it in their backpack.
- Remind your child that you have told them no fewer than 1 million times that this book had to be returned? Deal with the tears when your sweet progeny admits they have no idea where it is, and then spend two hours searching the entire house to no avail. After you’re both completely fried, go online and find out how much the book costs, write a check for that amount, and put in an envelope with your sincere apologies. Two weeks later when the book turns up, feel relieved that you now know what you are giving junior for his birthday.
- Realize the name on the note is not your child’s, which you knew anyway, because you no longer let your child take anything out of the school library?
Your child gives you one more form to fill out. Do you…
- Fill it out with all the appropriate information and promptly return it?
- Roll your eyes, sigh a bit, and silently use a few choice words and then fill it out and send it back?
- Put the form in your papers-to-be-signed folder and hope for the best?
- Take the form, turn it into a paper crown, and sing “I Feel Pretty?”
If you have mostly 1s, congratulations, you’re at the peak of your game. You have either just had a vacation, have kids who aren’t yet in school, or have kids with fur on them who walk on all fours.
If you have mostly 2s, you’re ready for the year to be over but are hanging on. Take a long bath or grab a cup of tea to celebrate that you survived another year.
If you have answered mostly 3s, you’re coming to your breaking point. You’re in need of a serious girl’s night out. Quickly grab a few harried-looking moms from the carpool lane and get your freak on.
If you have answered mostly 4s or were the one who actually wrote the quiz, I’m sorry to inform you but you’ve already flipped. Beg your friend, sister, mother, or nice lady in the line at Starbucks to take the kids and run away with your husband for the weekend.
This piece is a reworking of an essay that first appeared on the Dishwasher, June 1, 2014, under the title, No More Pencils! A Quiz for Stressed-out Moms.