The other day, as the kids and I were driving home from picking up Tom from his after-school club, my youngest said, “Mom, there’s another baby Jesus,” referring to a manger scene on someone’s front lawn.
“Oh, that’s great. How many does that make this trip?”
“That’s three. Oh, I just saw another one. Four.”
“Four, that’s good. I wonder how many more we can find today.”
With that, Tom added that if we went the “long way” home, we would find at least two other manger scenes. Lizzy, 14, and Peter, 11, agreed this would be a good idea, so I happily obliged.
This has been a Christmas tradition for years. But with the kids getting older, I was pleasantly surprised that they were still into it.
We found the house that Tom was talking about. As I was starting to make the turn to our block, Peter asked me why there were three other figures in the scene.
“I’m not sure what you are talking about. There was Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, and the three Wise Men.”
“Who are the three Wise Men?”
And with that my heart sunk. My mind started to go a mile a minute. Is it possible that he doesn’t know who the Wise Men are from the first Christmas? Well of course it is. After we had kids, we were never regular churchgoers, and we haven’t gone at all in years. Unlike Tom, who spent two years at a Lutheran preschool, Peter had no such instruction.
Yes, we did say our prayers at bedtime. And I did speak about the birth of Jesus at Christmas and the resurrection of Christ at Easter. But that was about the extent of Peter’s religious education. How is it possible that I have just realized this? The kid is 11, and this was not in my well crafted parenting plan.
Both my husband and I were raised in the Christian faith. I went to Sunday school, sang in the choir, and made my confirmation in the Lutheran church. My husband was raised Catholic, complete with eight years of Catholic elementary school. We were married in the same church he was baptized and confirmed up in and where my father-in-law attended mass every Sunday. Before we had kids, we did regularly go to church.
All three of our kids were baptized as infants, and we are members, at least technically, to the same church I grew up in and that my mother goes to on Sunday morning.
So why does our kid not know about the Wise Men?
We stopped going to church when he was a toddler. It wasn’t planned. As a family with kids with special needs, church was one thing that became more complicated than we anticipated. After some futile attempts, we decided we could no longer do it.
The dyslexia that made school so hard for Tom to manage during the week wasn’t any easier to deal with at Sunday school. Lizzy’s developmental delays ruled out putting her in the church nursery during the service. When we took her to the service ourselves, she couldn’t sit still. Dealing with Peter was also a struggle. His ADHD made it impossible for him to sit quietly and listen.
It became a herculean effort to get everyone out the door each Sunday for 9:00 services. When we did make it, we would end up having to leave early because someone was crying or melting down. We took a break on going in the hope that the kids would settle down as they got older, but it never happened.
It was never my intention to deprive the kids of the same religious foundation that Joe and I had. I do know other families that have kids with issues that do make church a priority. As I pondered Peter’s question, I had to face the reality that I just couldn’t make it work for us.
Where do we go from here? I’m not sure. I have begun to read the Christmas story to Peter and he now knows who the Wise Men are. We are seriously considering going to church this Christmas. It is a day known for miracles.
Aw, Kathy we too are Catholic and weee raised that way. But we also don’t do Sunday mass either here. My kids are in religious education, but I honestly am not very religious at all. And yes I went to Catholic school, as well and my husband was raised religious with going to church every weekend growing up, but still this is where we are at, as well. So you aren’t alone at all my friend.
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It’s hard isn’t it? I felt so bad, it wasn’t what we planned. Thanks for letting me know we are not alone. xo
It’s so hard!!!! But at least your girls are going to religion. I appreciate that my parents gave me the foundation, but as LIsa said, it’s never too late. Love to you my sweet friend. xo
Hi Kathy – it’s never too late to teach your kids about your religion. Take a few moments and read them a story, share something during a meal. Melissa become very involved in a Jewish youth group as a teen and that really helped to teach her lots about Judaism. Are there some religious youth groups that Peter could join?
Hope that helps!!
Hugs!
Lisa thank you so much for saying that. It’s really not. And now Peter is at a point where he might be able to handle going to church with me. xoxoo Lots of love to you my sweet friend. xo
Yeah, we did a terrible job at that as well….but, my kids (all adults now) are compassionate and kind, so I’m counting it as a win.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
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Thanks Michelle! I totally think its a win if our children grow up to be kind and compassionate. I think I just felt bad that I didn’t give Peter the same base that I had. But as Lisa said, it’s never too late. And he is getting to a point where I think he could handle sitting in church with me, especially if it’s something he would like too. xo Wishing your family a very Merry Christmas too!! xo
Kathy, you are amazing and I know you’ll find your own way through this. There is no”right” way, after all.
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Thank you my sweet friend. xo I hope to, I would like Peter to have more of a foundation. At 18 I know Thomas will find his own way, but Peter is still young enough to need our guidance. xo
Hi Kathy! I enjoyed reading your story and totally understand how difficult it is to sometimes get the kids out on a Sunday morning to sit still for a couple of hours without disturbing everyone else in church. As Lisa stated, “Its never too late….” Being a parent is a hard job and we constantly readjust to raise awesome kids. You are doing an awesome job! When my children were young, we attended “bedside baptist” at least once per month because I was just too exhausted as a divorcee and didn’t feel up to getting dressed and constantly redirecting the kids while sitting in church. Today, many churches offer online services where you can experience great teaching in the comfort of your living room with the kids. Although my children are grown now and I serve at church, I still take advantage of attending church from the comfort of my living room at least once per month.
Keep trying until you find what works best for you and your family. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much!! I never even thought about online services. I so appreciate your thoughts. I think we will find our way. I too like what Lisa said, that’s it’s never too late. Now that Peter is a bit older I think we will try it again, it might be just what we both need. Thanks again! xo
Kathy what an honest post! I know you will find the way like your have done with other problems that you have solved. I love you and am very proud of you!
Sending prayers! Love Mom
I don’t think you need to go to church to teach your kids good values such as being a kind, considerate, Horst, loving person. You clearly have taught your kids well Kathy!
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Kathy, a very honest post. I am a student pastor at a baptist church and your post got me wondering if there are things churches, my church, can do to help parents more who struggle with kids during church time. Sure, we have children’s church, great Sunday school and other things but parents still have the struggle to get them here and feel comfortable leaving them in our care. Now I’m thinking about what I can do.
A side note, (very important note), religion is only a set of beliefs, I think it is better to give our kids (and ourselves) a relationship with a loving God and merciful Savior. As a pastor, I struggle sometimes with getting up and going on Sundays or dragging my college kid and two teens out of bed for church. However, I know how important it is for them, and me, to spend time each week with like-minded believers and in the presence of the “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” May God bless you this Christmas and find that Christmas Miracle (spoiler alert: that miracle is Jesus)
Pastor I can’t thank you enough for reading and commenting on my piece. I was very nervous to share this one, and now I’m feeling as if listening to my heart was the way to go.
As for helping other special needs families who feel the same way I do, there are many of us who have felt that church is something that we had to let go of. I think your congregation is so lucky to have a pastor who is thinking about how to better serve families like mine.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!
I know there are a lot of families with special needs kids who struggle with this, and there are some churches who have really risen to the challenge. We have friends in the Seattle area who have two nonverbal higher-need children. Their children’s ministry caters to special needs families by having a team of volunteers available to be one-on-one with each child. They are all trained/background checked etc. Parents check in and their child is assigned a “buddy” to escort them around. They have the freedom to move around the entire children’s department, doing song time in one class or playdoh in another or just hanging out in the nursery. For the higher functioning kids, they can participate in any class lesson and then leave if they need to. I was pretty impressed. It has been a lifesaver for our friends and enabled them to attend church and participate in choir, etc. when they weren’t able to previously. And their kids have learned to love their buddies and look forward to church too. Anyway, places like this do exist, they are just harder to find.
Wow!!! That is amazing!!!! Thank you so much for letting me know this. I have actually had a few misters reach out to me after reading this piece to ask me what they can do, now I can tell them. Wishing you a very merry Christmas!!! xo
A little reading from this link helped me understand about Christmas.
http://www.kingdombiblestudies.org/Christmas/Christmas.htm
And if you want further study about Christianity and various topics of what you might be hearing about religion of Jesus Christ in your town and communities, you can go to CONTENTS PAGE and save the link for later studies and inquiries. No rush. Religion is part of natural life here on this earth. I always come back to this site everytime I have questions and do search on this site. Here is the link: http://www.kingdombiblestudies.org/tablecontents.htm
Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
You might enjoy this Christmas Bible study. If not, someone else may like it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIzgbSs7U04 … FYI, my wife grew up in Lynbrook.
Thank you very much. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.
Find a church where you are accepted “as you are”. Church shop! Our hunch welcomes everyone no matter where they are on life’s journey. No matter where their children are on life’s journey. We accommodate all and make an extra effort to make everyone welcome. It is a unique, open and affirming church with an incredibly powerful idea of making a huge family out of all us work together to make life better for everyone. We work for the homeless, we work for AA groups, we devote time to Habitat for Humanity. We are a loving giving congregation. We provide a daily soup kitchen and a local temple uses our facility on Sunday to provide a meal. We work with all faiths and support all people. So look around. There are groups out there that would welcome you and your children. God loves us all.
Thank you so much for letting me know this. Your church sounds wonderful!! Wishing you and your church family a very Merry Christmas! xo
Hello Kathy,
I thought a lot about your post and I felt as if I needed to make a comment. I had taught Sunday School in a church for over 20 years. I realized that I have the kids for an hour maybe three a week while their parents have them more than that. We did not go to church when I was a child, but yet I knew the Christmas story and many other stories from the Bible because my parents read them to us. We had a Bible story book that we all loved.
My grandchildren do not go to church, but they know the Christmas story because it is read and told to them.
They know of God and Jesus because they are part of all of our lives.
My point is that it is not necessary to go to church for your children to know of God and Jesus.
Many blessings to you.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I appreciate it. Yes, I think that’s what hurt me the most, that I hadn’t even read it to him. I had done that with my oldest, but he was actually having a really hard time with the stories of the old testament so I stopped doing it and never picked it up again. I think the idea that Peter was 11 and didn’t know the story just got to me, sort of like an epic “parent fail.” But as many have pointed out, it’s never too late. And we have been reading the story now. You are so right, and I really thank you for reminding me of this. xo
Praying that God will give you peace and help you get back into church this year !! We never had to deal with anything you are going through, but we believe that being involved in a church is important. We were both raised Catholic, I went Catholic school through HS. We no longer attend the Catholic church, but are very active in a local Pentecostal one. It helps keep us grounded through the week.. Have a Merry, Blessed Christmas !
Thank you so much for your prayers. Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas! xo
Kathy, You might be interested in my book from a few years back, “Amazing Gifts: Stories of Faith, Disability and Inclusion” (Alban). It includes 60 short, mostly best practices stories of faith communities making welcome people across the spectrum of physical and intellectual challenges. Also across the ecumenical and geographic spectrum. As you might expect, Moms are the heroes
Thank you so much for letting me know about your book. I will check it out.
I’ve been sending my kids to CCD for years & they still don’t know anything. Don’t feel bad.
I love you Stacey!! xo