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Thank You Twin A

September 6, 2015 By Kathy Radigan 19 Comments

Thank You Twin A

A week after I had the thrill of seeing a very strong heartbeat blinking away on the ultrasound, I was at the doctor’s office again for what we were hoping would be my last visit to the fertility specialist. If all went well, I’d be released from the practice and sent back to my regular OB/Gyn for prenatal care.

After four miscarriages in fifteen months, it looked like we were finally going to get the happy ending we had prayed for.

Joe and I were nervous but excited. I lay on the table and watched the doctor turn on the ultrasound machine.

“Oh my,” she said.

My heart sank. I knew it was too good to be true.

“What’s wrong? Is there a problem?” I was so nervous. I’m sure I was cutting off Joe’s  circulation from squeezing his hand so tightly.

The doctor was smiling and said, “No problem at all. Look at this.” She turned the screen around and in a very happy voice said: “There are two babies, not just one.”

Joe and I started to hysterically laugh. We were beyond excited.

She showed us where Twin B was. This was the baby I had seen the week before with the very strong heartbeat. This baby was measuring perfectly, and his or her little heart was flickering away on the screen. I was thrilled.

The doctor then showed us Twin A, which she let us know was measuring a bit smaller.

There was much excitement and joy in the room. The doctor took several pictures and labeled them. She gently let us know that there was a possibility that due to the smaller size, Twin A might not make it. But she was very confident that Twin B was doing great. We made an appointment for the following week, and then we would go from there.

Joe and I were beyond thrilled. We shared our news with our families, making sure they also knew that there was a chance we could end up with one baby.

I was elated and excited. But I was also very nervous. I had a hard enough time being pregnant with one baby. How would I be able to carry two? Was my body up to this? And if it wasn’t, would I end up losing both babies? After all we had gone through, could I even handle that type of loss?

It was at that moment that I decided I would enjoy every single moment of this pregnancy. And I did. I milked every moment out of carrying two babies and insisted that when I needed ice cream at 8:00 at night, it wasn’t me but both of our children that needed Joe to go out and get me vanilla Haagen-Dasz.

Our next doctor’s appointment was bittersweet. Twin B was continuing to do great. But, just as the doctor had warned us, Twin A had stopped growing a few days before. She couldn’t find a heartbeat and felt that it was now safe to say that I had a viable single pregnancy.

My feelings were jumbled. Joy and relief mixed with sadness. I wanted to mourn Twin A. I had just been told that I lost another baby. My dreams of double strollers and two of everything were dashed.

But it was impossible for me not to be thrilled that we had one strong baby. This caused me to feel guilty. What right did I have to be so happy when one baby was gone?

There was some concern over what would happen if and when my body miscarried the lost twin. Most of this concern came from me. It seemed beyond cruel that God or the universe would bring us this far only to leave us with nothing.

Those first few weeks I spent panicked over every cramp and pain, but my pregnancy continued beautifully. I never miscarried my baby’s twin. It was just absorbed by my body.

We were told that it was very possible that Twin A was the reason that my pregnancy was able to continue. The fact that my body was forced to make extra hormones could have been what I needed to finally carry a child to term.

My doctor later told me that the medical community would never be able to fully explain why I had all of the losses, nor what it was that finally made it possible for me to have my son. But I have my own theory.

When I finally held my beautiful newborn son I knew he was our miracle, and I was grateful for the baby I believe made him possible.

A version of this piece was first published on the Dishwasher, October, 2013, under the title, My long and Winding Road to Motherhood. It has been edited from the original

 

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Filed Under: Motherhood Tagged With: happy endings, loss, marriage, miscarriage, new babies, recurrent miscarriage, twin loss, twin pregnancies

Comments

  1. Jennifer Wolfe says

    September 6, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    What a beautiful story, Kathy. Thank you for sharing such a personal memory.
    Jennifer Wolfe recently posted…Leaving Her At College The Second YearMy Profile

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 7, 2015 at 7:52 am

      Thank you!!xo

      Reply
  2. michelle says

    September 7, 2015 at 7:28 am

    This is lovely. Thank you so much for sharing.
    michelle recently posted…My Hibernation Schedule Is FuckedMy Profile

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 7, 2015 at 7:53 am

      Thank you! xoxo

      Reply
  3. Janine Huldie says

    September 7, 2015 at 7:30 am

    A miracle indeed and thank you so much Kathy for sharing your very heartfelt and personal memory here with us. Hugs xoxo.

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 7, 2015 at 7:53 am

      Thanks Janine! xox

      Reply
  4. Lisa Weinstein says

    September 7, 2015 at 9:49 am

    Kathy, that’s beautiful! Maybe Twin A was Tom’s guardian angel! 🙂

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 7, 2015 at 4:40 pm

      I’ve always thought that Lisa. xoxo
      Kathy Radigan recently posted…Thank You Twin AMy Profile

      Reply
  5. Marcia @ Menopausal Mother says

    September 7, 2015 at 10:50 am

    This brings back too many memories. I lost my Twin B shortly after he was born full term. Doc said that baby stayed alive inside me so that I could safely deliver Twin A. She was our miracle.
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother recently posted…Eight Types Of People Who Annoy MeMy Profile

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 7, 2015 at 4:40 pm

      I’m so, so, sorry Marcia. I can’t even imagine how difficult this was, but I am so glad you got your gorgeous miracle!

      Reply
  6. christina says

    September 7, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    I believe everything happens for a reason, even if we cannot readily see that reason. <3
    christina recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful- ‘It’s Good Shit Edition’My Profile

    Reply
  7. Kenya G. Johnson says

    September 7, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    Wow Kathy. Love this, thank you for sharing your story. You gave me goosebumps!

    Reply
  8. nancy@skinnykitchen.com says

    September 8, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Wow Kathy what a story and with such a beautiful ending. As always, I’m in awe of how strong you are! xoxo
    nancy@skinnykitchen.com recently posted…Skinny Mexican Style Chicken and Cornbread CasseroleMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Christine says

    September 8, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently carrying a thriving “twin B” and like you, have had so many conflicting and overwhelming emotions. I am still nervous at times but reading your happy ending gives me even more hope! Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 8, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Christine it is such a strange place to be in, isn’t it? Please know I am so sorry about your own sweet angel and wishing you and your Twin B all the happiness in the world. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. My own Twin B is now 16 and a junior in high school, and was followed by a daughter three years after, and than shock of all shocks, another boy three years after that. Yes, the woman who couldn’t seem to hold on to a pregnancy had 3!! Much love to you!! xo

      Reply
  10. Rena McDaniel says

    September 8, 2015 at 10:16 pm

    I had this exact same thing happen to me when I was pregnant with my first child, my son. I had never heard of anybody else that had gone through it until now.

    Reply
    • Kathy Radigan says

      September 8, 2015 at 11:13 pm

      Wow Rena, thank you so much for sharing this! Love to you! xoxo

      Reply
  11. Kelly Arnell says

    September 9, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    Beautiful story! 🙂
    Kelly Arnell recently posted…I am Married to MacGyverMy Profile

    Reply
  12. Janie Emaus says

    September 10, 2015 at 9:53 pm

    This was a beautiful story. I’m so glad it worked out for you.

    Reply

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Much thanks to Joseph Radigan, who besides being a great husband and father, also uses his talents to gently and ever so tactfully edit my blog. Joe is a business editor at Thomson Reuters in NY.
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