For a few days this week, I visited a place I haven’t been in years… NoKidLand.
For four nights I slept in a bed with my husband with no children trying to sneak in between us. We even had a chance to share a kiss without anyone claiming we had emotionally scarred them for life.
No one woke me at 4:30 with a box of cereal or requests for toast, with butter. At no time did anyone spit their food in my hand or give me a half eaten apple to throw out for them.
It was heaven. It was blissful. It was the life my husband and I shared for almost six years.
We lived in my favorite place in the world, New York City. Although our one bedroom apartment wasn’t large, it was on the 26th floor. I could look out my window and see the lights of the city, and it always thrilled me.
My husband and I had only ourselves to worry about. We took long walks on Madison Avenue or through Central Park on weekends. If we wanted to go to a movie or out to dinner we did. We had no responsibilities beyond our jobs and our cat.
Funny thing though, as much as I enjoyed our life, I wanted more. I desperately wanted to go to KidLand. I would look enviously at women who pushed baby carriages or were obviously pregnant.
Manhattan is famous for beautiful shops filled with designer clothing, jewelry and shoes, but I would drool over the baby shops, the maternity stores, the toy stores.
When three years into our marriage I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed. I felt as if I was given the keys to a world I always wanted to enter. Our apartment barely had enough room for our cat, my husband, and myself, but I started planning for where our new baby would sleep.
I even took a certain amount of pleasure from having to throw-up while walking down a city street with my husband. We were going to have a baby.
When at 10 weeks we found ourselves at our obstetrician’s office looking at a sonogram with no heartbeat, I was devastated. I still remember the day I had my D&C. My husband and I praying together in a small room that tried to be homey with dried flowers which only seemed to remind me that nothing was alive anymore.
Lying on the operating table, the anesthesiologist asked me to think of something happy. I started to cry because the only thing I could think of was a beautiful baby and a nursery. My doctor looked at my tears, and sensing what I was thinking, quietly said, “Kathy, think of a beautiful beach on Hawaii.”
Three more times I would have the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test only to be devastated two or three weeks later when those pregnancies ended as well. Why me? Why us?
After a little more than a year, four miscarriages, and infertility treatments, my husband and I deiced to end the baby dance. We started to research adoption. We had recently moved to a house in Queens, and the room we had painted blue for a nursery started to seem like a good place for a guest room.
Imagine our surprise when only about a month after ending our fertility treatments we were back in the office looking at a strong heartbeat. We were pregnant!
Each week, I held my breath as the doctor would do an ultrasound and each week I would leave the office feeling exhilarated. I promised myself I would enjoy every minute of my pregnancy and every minute of motherhood. Morining sickness, heartburn, and dirty diapers were the things that dreams were made of.
Three kids and twelve years later we are as far into KidLand as we can be. The chaos of the morning routine, the seemingly endless trips to the pediatrician with a sick child, and the bouts of tween attitude seem like a small price to pay for the other wonderful things KidLand offers.
The wet kisses my five year-old gives me. The look of pure pride on my special-needs daughter’s face when she shows me the outfit she dressed herself in. Or the quiet conservations my oldest son and I have over hot chocolate and coffee before school. I love the whole messy package and am grateful for each day.
I would be lying, though, if I didn’t admit that sometimes the memories of my old life call to me. Especially when I remember eating a meal in peace or taking a shower without someone asking me if I’ve seen their shoes.
And, it was lovely to be in a hotel room with my husband and know that nobody was going to knock on the door and ask what we were doing in there. To feel free to read, go for a walk, or deep condition my hair.
NoKidLand was a wonderful place to re-visit, but, I am so glad Kathy doesn’t live there anymore.
Romina Garcia says
Beautiful post. I can absolutely relate. I had three miscarriages myself, and now I’m pregnant with our fourth child.
I remember when mornings used to be a quiet start to the day. Now every morning through squinted eyes I hear the sound of my children saying “Mummy wake up it’s morning time WHY you still sleeping?”
I miss the quiet…although my soul smiles by the fact that it’s not.
Logans momma says
I’m so glad you got a break this week! It’s so important to have a little time for yourself to re-charge! I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, it reminds us how precious our little ones’ lives really are. Great entry!
How heavenly! So wonderful to get that much-deserved break, Kathy 🙂
I, too, have experienced that devastation. (((hugs)))
And I, too, sometimes long for a visit to NoKidLand! I’ll live vicariously through you for now 😉
I thought of you all when I was sipping my coffee! I sent all my mommy friends good energy! We all need a break don’t we! I knew I needed to get away when people asked me how long it had been and I said when I had Peter, via C-section, almost 6 years ago! And I don’t think that really counts!
I’m sorry that any of us had to go through that loss, it does make motherhood a little sweeter though don’t you think!
Thank you all so much for reading and posting and the kind comments and support! It means so much to me!
What a great post! My little one is still quite a baby, but I can completely relate. Hubby took me out for dinner sans baby the other night, and I was SO glad to have both time away, and then get home to his little smile. 🙂
Following you from Bloggy Moms!
SoMo Mom says
Wow..what a great post. I was hanging on ur every word. Love it! Glad u had time to rejuvenate. I’m sitting poolside right now in Florida trying to rejuvenate myself…. However the kids keep dragging me back in the pool for dolphin rides… As much as I would love to just chill, I know I’ll miss it someday!
Kelly H. says
That brought tears to my eyes! I dont want to think of the day when my kids leave the nest 🙁 Hope you have a blessed Monday!
Amazing post. Nokidland is nice for a day or two, but Kidland is so much better. Actually, I’m not sure if I even know what Nokidland looks like anymore? We’ll all know again one day. I’m glad you enjoyed your “break.”
Wow, what an incredible story. So glad to hear that it ended beautifully though 🙂
I can totally relate to wanting to enter KidLand and join the Mother Club! We were only married for 3.5 months before we started trying!
As for NoKidLand, we get the occasional night away, as we have some awesome family close by, but 4 days?! Nice…
I found you through My lifes Stories and I love your blog. I am further along in the mommy journey but I so completly relate to the feelings you expressed! I love that your first tip to yourself was that your baby would be fine! I will tell you that having traveled this road three times, my youngest will be 6 in a few weeks, it is very diffrent the second time. Your first baby will survive the second baby and will not remember that you had to leave him playing by himself for a minute because the baby needed you now! I look foward to following your adventures!”
Thanks for your comment! It’s funny actually you should say that, as I had a mini-meltdown to my husband last night saying that I love Jonathan so much and don’t want him to hate me for not spending so much time with him and having to share me! To which my husband gently laughed and reminded me he won’t really hate me and that he’s going to love having a little baby to play with! (he’s just reached the stage where babies and other little kids are completely fascinating).
Kathy, what a beautiful story. It always amazes me the frequent stories women tell of multiple miscarriages and mentally let go and then be pregnant without help. And I totally agree that as much as we want nokidland, we only need to visit to keep us in kidland! Hugs to you!
Great post! Thanks for following my blog!
Beautiful Post Kathy, You always bring tears to my eyes. I know first hand how sad you were before Tom and how truly blessed you are now with all three of them. They are so blessed having you as there Mom. I am glad you got to take a break and I am happy we were able to enjoy your children. Love you Mom
Thank you everyone for your great comments, I so appreciate it!
I do have to say a special thanks to my parents for watching my darlings! My kids did have a very hard time and did cry a lot…when we came home! They did not want to leave grandma! Much love mom!
So sweet. My husband and I reminesce about no kidland often but we love kidland. I have a 13month and had a D&C in December at 10 weeks and my baby was only 9months at the time. It was difficult but we are going to keep trying.
Thank you for visiting. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, it is so difficult. My thoughts are with you!
An Irish Italian Blessing says
Wow, another incredible story, thank you so much for sharing. It’s so nice to hear a happy ending to your struggle. It’s funny because when I’m with my husband alone I remember how easy it used to be, so carefree and all about us, then I remember how my daughter made my life the best life I could possibly live. It’s an incredible blessing I wouldn’t change for anything!
Beautiful story! Found you on Bloggy moms and following you now. Can’t wait to read more from you!
Oh I have a love hate relationship with all that chaos!! The other day I was driving by myself with all four kiddo’s, the baby was screaming his lungs out, the oldest was coughing hers out, and the two middles were fighting about how what music should be playing. It was literally so loud and horrible that I just started laughing. After a while they all stopped I’m convinced they thought I’d finally lost it!! Thanks for always commenting and offering the sylish blogger award. I always love awards. I will say though that I havent posted in almost two weeks (wierd for me I know) so I dont know if that changes things, but still very honored even if it does!!
Oh so sorry just got caught up on posts, I would be honored to except and I will get right on those steps that are outlined!!
I had tears in my eyes as I read this post. I can not imagine the heart break.
I am glad you are now blessed with such a lovely family. And, yes, I agree, KidLand is a wonderful place to live.
Thanks for stopping by my site http://therejustonemommy.com
I’m following you, too, now.
I love kidland, but I too enjoy the breaks every now and then. I think they are quite mandatory for the soul. kidland won’t last forever, so I’m doing my best to enjoy it while I can.
Really great post! very sweet and touching!
Susie B. Homemaker says
Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you and your husband had to endure so many losses, yet how amazing that you now are a family of 5- so beautiful. And no kid time is nice… for a short while at least. 😉
Glad you liked the picture of my baby girl 🙂 Have a great weekend!
I can’t thank you all enough for your kind words and support. It really means so much to me! Thanks for reading and comming back!
Mom Daughter Style says
grea post! it’s good to know that you are enjoying life as we should.
I’m definitely liking my kidland too!
What a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing your story. NoKidLand is a wonderful place and definitely cherished when it comes along. I look forward to reading more. Following you now from MBC. ~Alfie
Seams Inspired says
Beautiful post, Kathy! Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself and your heart. Happy Tuesday, sweet bloggy friend! :o)
Letters From Home says
Beautiful post. So well written and a great last sentence. We went through a couple years of infertility treatments, had given up hope and started the adoption process when we found out I was pregnant. Now, I’m just like you. It’s great to visit No Kid Land every now and then but so glad it’s just a visit.
Oh my goodness, what a beautiful and inspiring blog post. It’s amazing how life sneaks on you sometimes. Glad that at the end all went well, miscarriages are never easy for any woman. Just visiting from VoiceBok.
Espanol para Ninos
Very Inspirational. You are a very tough person and I admire you for that. Keep inspiring us.
lovely post full of honesty and emotion
What a lovely post. This post says all- the pain and endurance you have had while going through 4 miscarriages, the joy of seeing your children, the pride on your face when they come to you for silly silly things, the happiness of living in a mess as a mom…brilliant and emotion packed. Kudos to you for your patience and faith!
Amberr Meadows says
What is no-kids land? Is this the place where I can use the bathroom by myself? Is this where there are no leggos to step on in the middle of the night? Haha! Take care 😉
Misadventures in Motherhood says
Beautiful post Kathy. It’s amazing how we just never know what someone’s been through. I am so sorry you had to go through all of the heartbreak on your way to KidLand, but I’m so happy that you eventually arrived! It’s probably a bit crazier than you expected, but it’s a wonderful place.
As much as I gripe about my kiddos on my blog, I am so very grateful that I have them in my lives, and that they give me so many reasons to laugh!
Thanks for sharing!
Lisa Ladrido says
I am so thankful that God gave to you your three blessings! I know how hard it must have been especially in the beginning when you are trying to build your family. The one thing that got me through it was knowing that Alexandra was in Jesus’ arms and He was watching over her for me. Being able to get away for a few days is a great thing. Your husband sounds like such a wonderful man. You are blessed in so many ways. Love you. Lisa